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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

222 replies

PinkBalloona · 28/03/2025 13:33

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

OP posts:
Regretsmorethanafew · 28/03/2025 13:35

He's not refusing to, he's unable to. That's not a long term workable model.
Get childcare like everyone else.

Pootles34 · 28/03/2025 13:36

I don't blame him for not wanting to work 7 days on the trot in a physical job (or any job for that matter). Why can't you use childcare?

Can you look for a different job? You say about 2 day a week jobs - why would it need to be a 2 day job? Sorry if I'm missing something here!

simpledeer · 28/03/2025 13:36

Why can’t you use childcare?

Fagli · 28/03/2025 13:37

If his job is making him ill he needs to look at changing it with a view to find more flexible employment.

With extra income in the household, can you look at outside support (I’m not sure how old the children are, I imagine very young if you have a year off), so a childminder who can do any school travel and look after the littlest ones.

roseymoira · 28/03/2025 13:38

Doesn’t sound reasonable to him at all. You either need to find a job with more regular hours or use childcare

JamSandwich27 · 28/03/2025 13:38

YABU. He must feel as though he’s always working! It sounds like absolute hell for him. Maybe you could get an evening job (supermarket/care home) and once the kids are older, you can go back to your normal sector.

araiwa · 28/03/2025 13:38

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.
His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

Your dh has explained very clearly. Try listening to him

Or are you gonna put random internet people over your dh?

saveforthat · 28/03/2025 13:39

This is a reverse surely. Otherwise poor bloke.

TeapotTitties · 28/03/2025 13:40

On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

And that's less important to you than the opinions of internet randoms?

Miloarmadillo2 · 28/03/2025 13:43

He’s making a valid point that the proposed set up doesn’t work for the family as a whole - so you need to look at all options. Put in a formal request for flexible working and see what your company come back with and at the same time look for other roles with a more sensible working pattern, or childcare to cover at least some of your working hours.
Is it the case that DH works 30-40 hours a week but has to compress a fortnight’s hours into a week to cover your shifts? (Being pushed into week in week off in a job that would otherwise be office hours?) If so that’s obviously unsustainable.

Lightuptheroom · 28/03/2025 13:43

I can understand his point of view, presumably because you haven't been doing these shifts, he's realised the negative impact it's having on him (and it sounds like it's impacting his health so needs to be resolved). How old are your children? Is there a way of using childcare so that your DH doesn't need to compress his hours quite so drastically? That would be the logical way of sorting it out, compressing two weeks into one regularly sounds soul destroying and I certainly couldn't do any wouldn't want to. If hes looking after the children during most of his 'week off' he's not getting time to resolve any issues that these compressed hours are causing.
If no childcare, can you extend your career break?
I can see his point of view as feeling unable to work those sort of hours continuously rather than refusing to accommodate your shifts and there's surely some way to meet in the middle

Ponderingwindow · 28/03/2025 13:48

The current schedule doesn’t work for him. He shouldn’t have to squeeze full-time work into such a short time period.

you can work. You just may need to work more hours and the two of you may need to secure childcare.

Espressosummer · 28/03/2025 13:49

Fagli · 28/03/2025 13:37

If his job is making him ill he needs to look at changing it with a view to find more flexible employment.

With extra income in the household, can you look at outside support (I’m not sure how old the children are, I imagine very young if you have a year off), so a childminder who can do any school travel and look after the littlest ones.

It's not his job that's making him ill. It's having to cram 2 weeks of work into 1 week to accommodate the OPs shifts. Her job is the one making him ill.

LadyOfACertainAge · 28/03/2025 13:50

I see both points of view and it clearly doesn’t work for you as a family. However it’s a problem for you to solve together. Why should you be the one to “get an evening job (supermarket/care home)” or change you job. The fact you’ve had a year career break shouldn’t not count against you returning.

AllyCart · 28/03/2025 13:50

Fagli · 28/03/2025 13:37

If his job is making him ill he needs to look at changing it with a view to find more flexible employment.

With extra income in the household, can you look at outside support (I’m not sure how old the children are, I imagine very young if you have a year off), so a childminder who can do any school travel and look after the littlest ones.

FFS. His job isn't making him ill.

It's trying to cram all of his work into half the days, to suit OP's job, that's making him ill

Original poster
PinkBalloona · 28/03/2025 13:53

Thank you all for replying. It’s been useful to receive balanced views on the situation. He works shift work but obviously with my being off all the time it means he now does three 12 hour shifts per week rather than them all being crammed together which he was struggling to manage. Childcare wouldn’t work unfortunately as our youngest is disabled and he needs either of us home with him at one time.

OP posts:
RedSkyDelights · 28/03/2025 13:55

Have you tried requesting specific days/a better shift pattern again?
The fact that it was rejected "a long time ago" doesn't mean that it will be now.

Original poster
PinkBalloona · 28/03/2025 13:58

We will also be separating and co-parenting. I fear I won’t be able to survive on just two days per week. I have thought about hybrid working but that’s not possible in my current position.

OP posts:
GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/03/2025 13:58

YABU. If he is becoming ill then your set up is not sustainable. Either you or he need to find new jobs.

Gardendiary · 28/03/2025 14:00

If childcare really won't work for you then you have to make some compromises. I get it, I have a child with sen and its definitely impacted my work choices. Can you both go part time and work your hours round each other? Obviously what you are suggesting DH does is unsustainable, he will make himself unwell and then won't be able to work at all.

claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer · 28/03/2025 14:00

I’m sorry I really don’t understand the set up here, especially this bit-

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

Which one of you works one week on, one week off and why?

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 28/03/2025 14:01

LadyOfACertainAge · 28/03/2025 13:50

I see both points of view and it clearly doesn’t work for you as a family. However it’s a problem for you to solve together. Why should you be the one to “get an evening job (supermarket/care home)” or change you job. The fact you’ve had a year career break shouldn’t not count against you returning.

I read it as if OP was the one insisting her DH needs to be home with the children when she is working.

Several ways to make it work:

  1. you both work FT and pay for childcare or
  2. both of you prefer for the children to be looked after by a parent, in which case you decide together
  • if you want to both work PT in ‘opposite shifts’
  • or if one wants to be FT, with paid childcare when the PT one is working
TeapotTitties · 28/03/2025 14:02

PinkBalloona · 28/03/2025 13:58

We will also be separating and co-parenting. I fear I won’t be able to survive on just two days per week. I have thought about hybrid working but that’s not possible in my current position.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

Errm well whether you enjoy it or not, as you're just about to become a single mother, you're going to HAVE to have your own money aren't you? 😳

Original poster
PinkBalloona · 28/03/2025 14:03

claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer · 28/03/2025 14:00

I’m sorry I really don’t understand the set up here, especially this bit-

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

Which one of you works one week on, one week off and why?

My hours are one week on and one week off (3 days crammed into one week) He has to work all his shifts in one week apart from one day mid week to accommodate my shifts. So he ends up doing 60/70 hours a week with a week off.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/03/2025 14:04

I think you need to look for a job which works around the job he is already working in. Or you need to support him changing his job to one with less hours and you work more.

him working like that isn’t sustainable