To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

[PinkBalloona]

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

OP you sound like you’re asking for two things that are probably not possible. You intend to separate. You also say that third party childcare is not an option. It sounds like at least one child isn’t in school. Unless you’re going to say you have a £1m house with the mortgage paid off and £500k of savings to split between you, then those things probably aren’t compatible. If you separate you’ll have to run two households, which is more expensive than one. So you’ll both need to work, and probably more than three days a week. Possibly you both need to work full time. It’s already clear that your DH can’t compress full time hours into alternate weeks of working/not working.

So something’s going to have to budge. It sounds to me like your options are a) find third party childcare - possibly separate childcare for you and DH or b) don’t separate, one of you works a normal FT job with normal hours and the other works part time on days when the other parent is off.

I don’t see any other options. But it’s overwhelmingly likely that separating and wholly avoiding childcare is not going to be possible.

N he needs to work hours to accommodate having his children 50/50
so when he has the kids one week op works and when he doesn’t have the kids he can do as he chooses . Even the time he had the kids if he chooses to work he just sort other childcare paid or family it’s not up to op to sort. .

He is in full time education so it could be possible for me to work when he’s in school but someone would need to be with him in the morning and when he comes home from school (school transport)

The youngest is in full time school?

He is applying for a 30 hour position with much nicer day shifts. I am supportive as it would be much better for him but I am concerned as I’ve told my work a date of when I supposed to be returning. I can extend my break if needed.

If you’re separating then I don’t think this is going to be sustainable anyway. If you’re youngest is at school what about an after school nanny to look after them for a few hours whilst you’re at work?

A nanny for before and after school would be ideal. Depending on the Sen you could possibly find a college student looking to earn some money that’s even doing the childcare courses.

So he’s not working that pattern at the moment? How long until you go back to work, OP?

No set date but probably in the autumn or winter this year.

He needs to sort his job out 70hrs a week is madness - he should go part time

Are you planning 50/50 childcare .
I would ask him how he can do the nee job with no childcare . This will
have to make him stop and think that it’s all
very selfish.
Tell hiM you are happy to talk and arrange childcare to suit “both” your jobs but
you will not be held back anymore . You both having a good work life balance and decent income is beneficial to your kids . He really needs to get that just because he is male him and his job doesn’t trump his ex wife and kids .

It sounds like he's exhausted.
If your partner was female and said that then it would be a given it's not fair and nobody should have to be feeling unwell balancing childcare.

If he works all these hours can you use some of his wages on childcare? Obviously when you go back yours would contribute too.

It needs to be feasible for both of you else the whole thing will break apart.
I wish you well x

so he's working 3 x 12hour shifts every week.
You're working 3 days every other week? How many hours?

I don't understand how this is causing childcare issues. When you go back, you need to see if you can adjust your working days around his. It is unreasonable to expect him to work 6 x12 hour shifts back to back, when he's told you it's affecting his health.
If he's on a shift pattern where his working days each week change, you need to discuss with your employer when you go back to work and see what can be worked out. It may be that you come to some kind of arrangement between the two of you where, if his shifts are more flexible, he simply works around your three shifts the week you're at work, so if you do mon-tues-wed, he works thurs-fri-sat, but you ensure he gets a proper rest once he's back home in order to avoid becoming ill if he's doing back to back shifts, or if it falls in such a way where he does end up working more than three in one week.

Think I've read that you're separating elsewhere in the thread, at which point this pretty much becomes null-and-void anyway, as you'll work out some kind of formal custody arrangement.

You first need to agree what childcare he will be doing when you split. Get it in writing. Then find a job that fits in with that.

@BobbyBiscuits I agree that he’s working too much right now and it’s not sustainable.

Having said that, a separated couple is in a different position to one what’s together, because they’re not a team in every sense anymore-except as parents. So they each need to do what’s necessary for them to live independently from one another, especially if they’re going to have the children 50-50.

Neither can expect the other to be as flexible as they were when they were together. So both will have to compromise.

So sorry for DH having to work the same hours most women do, since we almost always do both outside paid work and unpaid work at home, which works out more hours of work than the majority of men.😃(See how sorry I am!)
That said, get childcare. Also joint account where both salaries go in completely, and you both take out same amount of spending money (childcare comes out of both salaries). Explain in words of one syllable to DH that you work the same hours as him but most of your hours are unpaid, but no less valid and he won't be able to go to work if you cease doing them - therefore his salary should be covering the unpaid work you do, hence joint account.
This was how most of my generation worked household money - I do not know why women have let this slip. So many on MN talk about their DPs having more disposable income as they earn more, MNetter works part-time etc. It's time men pulled their weight on this one (as many others!) rather than being allowed to get away with hogging more of the household income than is their fair share.
NB When I was at home with small children I not only controlled all bank accounts (joint mostly) but regarded all the money ex-DH earned as equally mine - and spent it as I decided for the most part (open to discussion on expensive items, obv).

Also no guarantee that the exH even if he does 50/50 till be having the children the op wants him to either surely. He might only be able to have them the weeks she’s not working.

Rotas are set by work and there’s nothing to say which parent should get to pick which week is theirs over the other if they are both working say the same week on.

Why would he open a joint account with his separating wife.

It's completely irrelevant until you separate and decide what the custody split is going to be. Surely? Is it just me?

It’s very difficult to say due to his shift patterns changing every week, possibly it’ll end up being 70-30 or 60-40.

Why can't you get childcare?

Too late to edit, but I meant to type “that’s together” instead of “what’s together.” 😂

I don't think that's actually so bad. So 10 hours a day max for 7 days (thats only two hours a day more than norrmal).

What's bad is that you have a disabled child to take care of between you.

So rather than saying, hey OP, you sacrifice your career and do all the childcare, you should between you be having equal career opportunities and equal childcare. Of course most men don't like that.

Can you up your hours and he decrease his hours to balance the roles out more equally?