To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

[PinkBalloona]

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

So, it sounds like OP is expecting her STBXP to be her childcare on the 6 day week that she works (obviously he can also work some or all of his hours in that week e.g. 3x 12 hr shifts, but then there would need to be additional childcare sorted). The week that OP has off, she then has the kids, and so will not be paying any childcare, although STBXP is also free to work then - albeit it is beyond unreasonable to expect regular 72 hr weeks which is what he would be working.

Essentially, what OP wants to happen is this:
STBXP's proposed working pattern/life to be: 1 week providing all childcare, then 1 week working 72hrs (Ok, he gets 1 day off technically but after working 72 hrs in 6 days, that will barely scratch the surface of resting)
OP's proposed working pattern for her - 1 week doing all the childcare, and 1 weekdoing 6x 8hr shifts i.e. 48hrs.

I wonder why OP can't see that this is unfair?

You've still not explained why you can't use child care? This is what most people do when they return to work.
I can see why your DH does not want to work like that, it's unhealthy and not sustainable. But you should also be able to go back to work so the solution is - childcare!

No. No no no. If you split you don't start with "Oh but I like my job", and work backwards. You decide what you're going to do with regards to what is best for the kids then arrange your work life around that. If that ends up being you having them more and him paying more maintenance then so be it. Same in reverse.

Wacky working hours only work if they suit everyone, no one feels unfairly treated and are manageable.

It sounds like there's no reason you can't work more standard hours, just not the weird ones you'd prefer, or that come with this job.

If your not with additional needs is in school in the day, then find a job that's school hours if you can't find appropriate cover.

But he has been doing exactly that, working every other week. He says he can't do it anymore as it's too many hours in one week. He can then work, oh I don't know, 70% of full time and carry on working every other week. The every other week part doesn't seem to be a problem with the employer.

If you have a disabled child who can't use childcare both parents will have to make adjustments to meet their needs and this seems to be the fairest way of doing that since they both have an employer who accepts them working every other week.

It was the OP who said it wasn't possible. I don't know the needs of their child so I just assumed she knew.

Fuck me, I need a diagram.

As you are separating I think you'd be mad not to work FT. Decide how much work you want/need to do and then arrange childcare around it. Surely you both simply arrange childcare/work as needed on the days you are responsible for the children. He's ultimately not going to be sharing his salary with you anymore - other than CM - so stop factoring in his wishes. Neither of you have to work those jobs or those shifts.

If I have understood this correctly, he works 70 hours in one week and then does one week full childcare, and you work 35 hours in one week and then do one week full childcare?

And ‘full childcare’ means wraparound to school hours, plus all the weekend, as your children are school age, but one is disabled so needs a parent out of school hours.

That sounds tough on you as a family as you must get very little time together.

It sounds very tough on him as he works far more than you and does the same childcare shifts.

If childcare really isn’t possible, I do think it is reasonable for him to want to do some of his work shifts in a more spread out fashion. I think you have more of a chance to work this out if you work together on this to brainstorm rather than battling.

When OP said "it wasn't possible" I took that to mean it was difficult and/or they didn't really like any of the options available, and because they'd found a solution that meant they didn't need any they hadn't really progressed it.

Or possibly even that they did try to find some, but that would have been at least a year ago and their child is now older, their needs may have changed, and the options available might have changed.

I wouldn’t want to work 7, 12 hour shifts then have to be on the ball to look after young children for days before doing it all again. Would you, OP?

Yea, it's possible. The whole thread is a bit confusing really.

Not 7 12 hour shifts in a row but 3 long days then one day off then 2 long days and one day shift. Still it works out a lot of hours in 7 days.

I think you need to re-think your childcare arrangements, OP. You cannot expect your ex to do 3 long days with a day between that and 2 long days + a day shift. That's no life for anyone. And would you do it, if the roles were reversed?

It seems to me that you are both on impossible schedules and need to look for work which better fits having a disabled child.

One day off after three long then two long then a day shift is crazy when you don’t need too.

And he doesn’t need to. You need him too as long as he arranges his childcare on his days.

Because she likes her job and thinks that she should be able to do it and her ex should facilitate this. Which is a blind spot so big I don't see how she does not realise what she is asking.
Ex has no obligation to work himself half to death every other week and then work at childcare (equally hard work with no tea breaks). I can see why they are separating - OP is completely unreasonable and thinks life revolves around what she wants all the time.

@PinkBalloona What jobs do you both do that have such strange shift patterns/long hours/are inflexible?

With a disabled child to factor in it feels like you both need to re-evaluate your job choices.

I think I'm missing something here because everyone seems to think differently to me. Is it not the case the OP and H is separating and OP is suggesting that they do 50-50 childcare as they both can work one week on/one week off? She isn't working full time so that she can cram all her days from two weeks into one week and he has been doing the same but with a full time position. He is now saying that full time crammed into one week is too much, but he could just work less, right? OP can't say how many hours he works, that's up to him.

Wouldn't the fairest thing be that they each sort out childcare for every other week and work every other week as they have employers who are fine with that? OP shouldn't have to give up her job to facilitate her ex's career. All she wants is that the week she works, he has the kids. Which is totally fair.

Tell DH that childcare is an option and that he can pay his share of it.

He doesn’t get to dictate your future security so you can be the unpaid nanny for his children.

The fairest thing would absolutely be to do what you suggest (and I think most people are saying the same thing).

The issue is that OP has decided on an arrangement that suits her but her H is refusing to do it as it gives him an unsustainably hard work pattern. He in turn has suggested something that would suit him and she equally thinks it's unreasonable.

Yes, I think that is what OP is saying - though it's not very clear. But if she is separating from her H then she needs a full-time job, not one she can cram into six days and then a week's childcare (which sounds devastatinly awful tbh). The H is reluctant to continue this pattern as it means him squasing 70 hours work into one week and doing childcare the other, and he doesn't wish to do this (not unreasonably IMO). They need to sort out both working reasonable hours all week, with childcare for when they are at work. Afaik both DC are at school and disabled DC needs care before and after school - some have suggested a nanny for this, which seems a good idea, but expensive. But OP is resistant to this idea as she 'loves her job' and doesn't want to change it for something else that might fit her and DC needs better. Her job is part-time, so she is doing 35 hours in one week, whereas her H is going to do 70 hours in one week. Anyone can see why H would object to this arrangement.
It's easy to say H could work less, but that means a cut in income (he is doing a shift pattern that works out at 35 hours a week, done in one week so 70 hours) which, if they are separating they cannot afford.
The solution is for OP to get a full-time job and pay for some childcare, which can be shared cost-wise with H as they are co-parenting.
OP seems unaware she cannot have her nice part-time job and make H work 70 hour weeks constantly because childcare for a week is probably more than 70 hours a week. If a man were demanding this arrangement we'd be up in arms about it, too!.

So, would you do this? It doesn't leave much room for a life, or any rest, either. Anyway, you need to sort you, which means a full-time job with hours that match your DC's school hours, which pretty much means a school setting. Then you need to source childcare. What you stbxh does when he is doing his share of childcare is his bag, not yours, but you cannot expect him to work a 70 hour week one week then do wrap-around childcare the next on an unlimited time scale (and nor should you do it) because that's exhausting and soul-destroying.

As someone who works 12 hour shifts, there is absolutely no way I could do 70 hours over a seven day period. Followed by a week of doing absolutely everything for the children, especially when one is disabled. My dp would never have asked this of me. The ideal option ( I feel) would be for one of you to work mon- wed and the other thursday- saturday each week.

The thing is, in most relationships where one person works FT and the other PT, the PT person takes on additional responsibilities to balance it up a bit.

So the PT person does more at home, maybe the cooking in the week etc, extra childcare duties. Or if not, the PT person has a reason (ie health) why they 'contribute' less (in terms of overall, not just financially).

But it's not the case here, it's literally that she wants to work and half his hours, with no upside for him. I find it hard to believe he'd be happy with that ordinarily. It's bonkers to think he's be on with it if they split.

I do take on all the extra responsibilities such as all cooking, shopping, most of the cleaning, life admin and organising activities etc. I don’t think my working 3 days per week is unreasonable plus when we first set up home together and had children we both agreed that I had to work, we couldn’t afford to live on one wage only. A few of my shifts I’m home by 5 then I cook, clean and do the bedtime routines. It wasn’t necessarily planned with my odd shift patterns, it wasn’t something I chose, it was the only shift pattern my organisation had available and flexi work just isn’t an option unfortunately.

I promise it wasn’t something I forced on my husband. He made it clear that I had to work as we couldn’t survive on just his wage. It was then a number of years in that his shifts eventually changed from eg - 7-2 or 1-8 to long days which exhausted him. I’m grateful for everyone’s input and I’m considering all possible options including potential hybrid work or working when the children are in school. He’s happy to cover two days so I can work then I’ll have to have a think about the other one or two days and how to cover them. He’s also considering dropping a day himself but obviously we will both need to support ourselves financially when properly separated.