To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

[PinkBalloona]

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

Right now he’s working around 3x12 hour shifts and when I was working I worked one week of full time hours and one week off (still classed as part time)

I think the issue is that you need to find a childcare solution. One that doesn’t always involve STBXH.

oh right, I see. That does change things slightly then!
I'd say put in a request for flexible working and ask to work part time properly 3 days each week, and then it will be easier for him to plan his shifts around (and if you're splitting up, childcare and custody too).

Is there a particular reason for your working pattern? It seems there's some flexibility in his, so hopefully something sensible can be worked out that doesn't involve him doing back to back 12 hours shifts for a long period, or you feeling that you need to work less overall.
If possible, you could do the hours across a fortnight whilst your child is at school, or perhaps work shorter shifts more frequently, so you'd still be available on the days they need you, but just for a few hours, and could then do the work you've got independently on the short shifts the next week (if it's that sort of job?) Is it possible for you to Work from Home at all? as that might be another reasonable solution.

You sound incredibly self-centred, which a lot of posters are picking up, but I think I can hear something additional, which is linked to the inevitable struggle that comes in when there is care for a disabled child. It is very tough. I know someone who used to do exhausting and stressful 80 hour weeks, away from home, tonnes of responsibility and stress, and packed with travel to add in a kicker. He would get home on a Friday to be left with the very disabled child on the weekend as the wife needed a break. Eventually this person's elastic snapped and, many years later, they still cannot work much. But then the wife thought him completely unreasonable for not allowing her to do her own thing at the weekend - the care was very difficult and she absolutely needed that break away. The divorce was hideous.
Would it be worth getting some help aimed at becoming more accepting of your less than perfect situation? It may not only be that you're driving your DH beyond breaking point - you may be driving yourself in the same direction. Life is tough when choices are taken away. However, circumstances can miraculously improve with full acceptance of imperfect situations. I can read grim determination in many of your comments - there are just hints here and there of charging forward regardless - and that isn't always the right way to go, especially with an "external" constraint. It's only a thought, but I think you're being too bullish all round.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

If you are separating then he isn’t going to do something the only benefits you is he?

So he is not a "DH" - he is an ex partner, who is father to the children.

He can only do what he can do. If the shift pattern that you want from him cannot reasonably be done, then you have to work together to find ways round this.

It might involve using child care other than him.

Becuase he doesn't have a problem if he works 36 hours a week, a perfectly normal thing to do.

She wants him to work 70 hours one week and nothing the next, a highly abnormal thing to do.

She's not asking him to work like that to facilitate his own childcare issues, but to facilitate hers.

The OP was (before leave) working 6 normal days in 1 week then having a week off so effectively working over full time hours for a week (about 40 to 48 hours) then having a week doing child care. So twice as much as you have said.

If the soon to be ex is working at all the ‘on’ week, there is nobody available for childcare on those days.

I’m not surprised you are confused. The OP was not at all clear!

thanks for clarifying - definitely a confusing post/ title!

I think this is a very confusing post.
Are you actually separating? If so you need to worry about yourself and what happens on your days, not dictating what your ex does on his days.
The child care issue is confusing. How old are they? Are they your ex husband's children as in your initial post you say you are on a career break to look after my (not out) children? If they aren't his children then he might not be fussed about them if and when you do separate.
I think you need to look at childcare options and what provision is available as you state one child is disabled. This might mean changing jobs and working in a school setting as that will fit in with the disabled child.
To be honest though I am not entirely sure I understood your arrangement and what exactly you are trying to decide is unreasonable.

Hopefully to make things more clearer again - he’s counting from Friday to Thursday- for example my shifts start on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday then 3 week days. On my week off he would work Friday, Saturday, Sunday then possibly Monday Wednesday Thursday. So adding that together equals over 60 hours in 7 days.

But they are classed as two separate working weeks.

They are his children.

So what is the plan if he just full stop says no he wants a normal 9-5pm job and will arrange childcare on his days?

@PinkBalloona

I'm still kinda confused.

1- So you will be working during week A and he works during week B?

2-One child has SEN and needs parental supervision rather than childcare?

3-And you're separating?

Once you're separated your childcare issues during 'your days' are no longer his concern and vice versa. If he wants to help you out (and vice versa) fine. But don't expect it. Especially as an Ex may stop cooperating at any time. They may meet someone new, get a new job, decide to move. Or just decide they don't want to help anymore. It's always best to be as independent from an Ex as you can possibly be.

The first thing you and he need to do is to figure what you expect as far as child residency goes. If you work opposite weeks and can do 50/50 or something similar then he can have them week A when you're working, you'd have them week B when he's working. But If he's saying he wants to go to a 'regular' work schedule and doesn't want 50/50, then each of you will have to figure out childcare for 'your' days.

Why should the DH be giving the OP access to all his salary when they're separating 😂😂 it also sounds like he is doing half of the child care currently

"NB When I was at home with small children I not only controlled all bank accounts (joint mostly) but regarded all the money ex-DH earned as equally mine - and spent it as I decided for the most part (open to discussion on expensive items, obv)."

You realise how bad that sounds? Do you think you should have said "we regarded all the money as equally ours", or are you happy with the way you put it?

That doesn’t sound sustainable for him tbh, I wouldn’t want to do it long term.
Can’t you use childcare some days?

Can he look for a different job?

@AthWat why? It WAS equally hers.

Indeed. But do you not see the difference between the way I put it and the way I put it?
Her way is "this is joint money because I say so." That can never work. It has to be "this is joint money because we say so."

If you're separating, you need to think about that. Have you discussed what child arrangements will be like?
If 50/50, you will BOTH be needing to find something that works but with a child with SEN that needs one parent with them at all times, that won't be easy....
I assume for you, 1 week with each parent would be great, for him not. I would ask him how he suggests childcare arrangements should be post-separation and take it from there. Surely it can't be kids switching houses every night (assuming his shifts as 12hr on, 36hr off?)
It seems to me that, whatever way he wants to do it, he will have the kids on his days off and will be exhausted... unless you're not doing 50/50?

I don't think that's the case. She wants to be able to work every other week as per her contract and look after their kids every other week and she wants him to do the same. She hasn't said he has to work 70 hours, how much he works when he doesn't have the kids is up to him. Once they are seperated that's none of her business how much he works as long as he can sort out childcare on his weeks, and she can do the same on hers. Why would that be more on her than him? She doesn't need to facilitate his career anymore.

The only fair thing to do is to have the kids 50-50 so that both of them can make enough money to live off.

This sounds like a very tough situation. You enjoy your job and want to return to it. You are separating, so remove your partner from the picture for a moment. Can you work three days per week when you return (as opposed to squashing two weeks of work into one)? Then, you might be able to work hours that work with school transport, etc. for your youngest.

As a separated person, you will be single and entitled to make your own decisions and build your own career. Your preferences matter as much as his. Obviously, you will both have to compromise but you shouldn't feel trapped into giving up work. Can you agree on getting extra care for your youngest? Is there really no way s/he can be cared for by someone else (properly qualified etc). If not then both you and your partner have to find work that accomodates that - one of you starts early, the other does the pre-school bit. One of you starts later and the other does the post-school bit. At the moment it seems a bit 'all or nothing' when there is probably some middle ground where both of you get at least some of what you want, and your children get what they need.