To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

[PinkBalloona]

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

Childcare, which many of us have to do, or a different job really?

@PinkBalloona so you support yourself financially when separated and he covers the kids two days a week and you 5 how is that fair ? Will it balance out with his cma payments ?
will he have the children weekend on and weekend off

This all sounds messy tbh .

I’m not sure how it’ll work yet unfortunately, due to my sons age and his high level of needs I wouldn’t be able to work full time anyway but essentially I’ll be covering all of ex husbands shifts and then try and figure out a way of working and supporting myself. Yes very messy!

Usually when I see posts like these it seems like the husband is trying to control the wife. Here, I agree with your husband. It seems like you either need to get some child care to make this arrangement manageable so you can work or find a different job. Perhaps get some child care and then look for a better job which suits the needs of the family?

For those of you who use childcare in order for you to work (school age children) - what do you use please?

See I think you need to agree set schedule for each of you having him maybe 65/35 a set amount of maintenance to cover that discrepancy and then get shifts in his time

he needs to cover you as much as you covering him

It seems as though tag teaming long exhausting hours at work with caring for children - including a child with a disability, has taken its toll on your marriage.

Rather than you both having to look at your working hours to allow you to co-parent when you separate is it worth both trying to change your jobs/hours and lifestyles now to see if you can recover your relationship?

If your husband moves to a day job he will be less exhausted and hopefully have the capacity to be a better dad and husband. He can do one end of the school run if it is possible e.g. if he works a shift of 6-2 he could pick up from school. You could look for a job that allows you to see something of him and your kids when you are all together.

I also work opposite ends of the week to my husband and when either of us are not working we are caring for the kids. It's tough. I am trying to use the odd day of annual leave this year to have a couple of days with him when the kids are at school. Fortunately as he is a teacher we do get days as a family when he is on the school breaks and I am on a day off.

If you think there is any chance of saving your marriage give it a go. Life with a child with a disability is tough and many marriages don't survive. It's normal for things to be tough but consider if anything might be saved by making changes.

I know childcare for children with SEN is very difficult, not many after school or holiday clubs cater for them.
OP have you looked into paying for DLA?
It's very hard to give up a job you love and financial independence just when you are going to need to be to be financially independent.
You have to decide whether you want a 50/50 childcare arrangement or if you are happy with ex doing less childcare, eow or somewhere in between.
If you were to work part time hours each week instead of current working pattern of full time one week and off the next would it help cover childcare ?
Could you get a childminder, or nursery place, can DH do 50% of childcare? That should really be the starting point in negotiations.
Do you have any family that can help with DC?
His 30 hour contract is 6hours a day so can he do school /nursery run? Should be possible to do at least mornings or afternoon pick up.
Equally if your contract is 20hours a week, if you just did those hours over the course of one week childcare should be easier, what type of work do you do/did do that means you both have shift work? Are their opportunities to transfer to a role with more regular hours like DH has done?

Would be worth looking into what benefits and childcare vouchers you
are entitled to and if you are married see a solicitor.

It sounds a really difficult situation but 6 or 7 12hr shifts in a row is not sustainable long term. Its not like he would get time to recover on his non working days if he is looking after the children. He will end up in an early grave. It might be researching childminders in your area. Some may be trained in looking after children with extra needs. Hope you find a solution but it is a difficult one

OP did I read correctly that your son is in full time education? Can you request to work school hours, potentially more days per week? Sorry if this has been asked, I did check but there was a lot to go through!

@PinkBalloona

I think the thing you seem to forget is that you are separating. So what you did in the past isn't really relevant anymore. If it happens to work out that you work opposite shifts and can cover each other (and both are willing to do so), then fine. But both of you need to understand that neither of you are under any obligation to provide childcare for the other. Nor are either of you obligated to exhaust yourself working long hours to facilitate the other's working hours.

Chances are that, if not right now, at some point you'll each need to source your own childcare for the period of time the children are with you. Probably best to do that now. You know, 'begin as you mean to go on'.

What are your husbands normal working shifts when your home? How many shifts is he meant to work? I understand him being tired but it's also unfair to expect you to not go back to work. If childcare is an option then I would go that route. If not you both need to compromise somehow on childcare responsibilities it's about both of you having equal childcare and work home balance cleaning etc

You work three days a week
Your DH work six days a week doing 35/40 hours.
You have a child that's disabled and needs to be looked after by at least one parent and childcare is out of the question.
You changed your hours to six days one week plus a week off and it's repeated continuous for every two weeks.
Your DH changed his house to 60/70 hours over six/seven days in one week and then having a week off and it's repeated continuous every two weeks. Your DH is right to say he cannot do this any longer as it's making him ill when on his week off and is looking after the child that's disabled. If he continues the unreasonable hours he may walk into an early grave.
Have you made a claim for Disability Living Allowance for the child that's disabled? If claimed, you would be entitled to Carer's Allowance. You might be able to claim for UC.

Look for work for two days per week.
Look for work that fits in with DH'sjob and your child caring responsibilities.

Train a couple of child carers to manage your youngest child.
It's not right that you never get to go out together because of the child's disabilities.
Pay for child care for one day per week regardless - to help your child adjust to other carers.

Its not sustainable him doing 60 - 70 hours in 7 days.

What actually is your job op?

• can you apply for the same sort of work but with a different employer where a more normal/ regular shift pattern is available?
• is it highly paid? Or actually could you earn similar in something else, even if its not where you have experience?

Most people i know (me included) use wraparound childcare 2-3 days. Eg it might be something like: 1 parent works part time or a weekend day and has 2 week days where they can do school runs, the other perhaps works flexi hours to pick up DC from school on a friday.

I don't know anyone using no wraparound care at all

Why should she give up her job when they are separating and work around her ex’s hours? She needs to make a decent living too and she’s already working less than him.

Absolutely not, this is the trap arguably most households fall in!

If his job takes priority now because he earns more then her earning potential will be lower, therefore his job will still take priority in a year, etc etc, viscous cycle. This is exactly how us women end up fucked later down the line. Their jobs are equally as important!

Cannot believe the responses on this thread. So bloody typical. YANBU OP,

Look for work that fits in with DH'sjob and your child caring responsibilities.

”his work” and “her child caring responsibilities”?! Wtaf.
OP also has a job and her DH also has child care responsibilities!! And why should OP be the one to accommodate?

Ofcourse youre being unreasonable, it's concerning to me you even have to ask.

I love it when folk come on here assuming the hive mind will validate their opinion...and then the hive mind backs the partner.

If Mumsnet agrees with the hubby, you know you are wrong!

Sorry I really don’t get it- can someone please explain the logic? OP is morally required to facilitate DH’s job by caring for his child full time so he doesn’t have to and can go to work full time.

DH is entitled to this free childcare from OP and not required to support OP to work even part time, so that she can have some financial independence? That would be far too exhausting for the poor man.

Someone, for the love of god, please please explain how and why that is fair?

We don’t have family near to help out, so I use after school club which runs from 3-6. DH and I both work flexibly and with a short commute or WFH, so can do the school drop off instead of using breakfast club. There are also some childminders who will do after school care from DD’s school. School holidays are covered by a mixture of leave and holiday club.

I work 4 days a week, but spread over 5 days, so I only need afterschool care on a couple of days and work school hours on the other days.

if you’re separating you need to start thinking like an independent person rather than as a partner to your husband.

Does your child get DLA? Do you get carers allowance? Do you currently claim UC?

you need to sit down and work out what your income will be when you separate, use a benefit calculator to help you assess options for continuing to work and for stopping for now to care for your disabled child and see where you will be at.

one if the hardest issues with separating from a partner when you have children with extra needs is that it can be hard to see through the every day to allow you to consider the overall picture. I was in a similar situation about 10 years ago, at the time I struggled to see my way through anything but eventually it came together.

i know you want to work, not give it up and be on benefits BUT the benefits system, especially the disability benefits system, is here for exactly your circumstances. It exists to give a safety net, a protection, when we need to take a step back and focus on our children in order to find the right way to raise them.

it may be in your best interests to stop working right now, separate from your husband, get everyone adjusted to the change with a strong arrangement for contact with both parents in place, and set your (ex) husband’s expectations of when he has to fit his work around for parenting his children, so that then you can workout hours that fit for work and find yourself a new job that works for your new life.

12 months of benefit support for you to get your life arranged and transition the care of your disabled child into two separate households so that everyone can move forward successfully and pay their taxes for another 30-40 years is exactly how the system is supposed to work.

I’m truly scratching my head at yhd majority of responses. Why is it the woman’s responsibility to be 100% responsible for all childcare and finding work to fit around the man’s job?

this is exactly why women end up in poverty later in life - their ability to earn money and a accumulate security ruined by men who expect women to do all the labour of child rearing and all the admin that goes along with it.

Why are women advocating gif this bullshit?