To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

[PinkBalloona]

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

That's what it is now

And means he does 60/70 hours

I think

Tricky with a disabled child

That's the issue

Exactly!!

Thank you! I’m equally baffled. Women telling a woman who is about to be a single mum to compromise her earnings so that her ex is comfortable. I really thought we had come much further than this.

How much he works during his childfree week has nothing to do with OP and should have any effect on her job. He can do the same as her and work less. He just doesn’t want to because he doesn’t want to compromise his earnings to be an equal parent.

Judging by lots of threads popping up here on Mothers Day, I’m afraid we’ve remained static.

That is exactly the conversation I had with my husband (soon to be ex) where for the last 15 years I’ve been unable to progress in my career or take up any opportunities as I’ve been either on maternity leave with both children or as I am now on a career break where a great opportunity came that I couldn’t go for.

I enjoy my job but I’m stuck in a low paying position whereas H has been able to move up the career ladder.

He did say he would happily be a stay at home Dad if I earned what he earned but hes had years and years to train and progress whereas I have not had that opportunity and I obviously can’t just walk into a high paying position just like that. I have loved having more time with my children and it was always agreed that I would work part time (no more) I feel like it leaves me vulnerable now though.

It does leave you (and millions of other women) in a vulnerable position.

You're married, yes? Please ensure the court is fully away of what you have sacrificed in relation to security whilst he has had the opportunity to fly off the back of having his parenting responsibilities taken care of for free by you.

I don’t think OP is wrong at all.

In fact, these responses belong in the bloody 1940s

It’s a complicated situation, we never had any help with childcare and had to work alternate days so one of us would always be home with the children. It worked for us for a while until his shifts became much longer and condensed.

We will split during my career break and I have no clue what I’ll do when it’s time to go back!

Options are him covering the two days and I would have to use annual leave or figure something out on the other day. School wrap around is out of the question as they wouldn’t be able to cater for my youngests needs. We tried a while ago to hire a nanny but none of them could manage or were willing to take our son on either his high level of needs unfortunately.

It’s complicated because he sees you as the default parent for his convenience and his security.

My guess is he’s going to very rapidly turn into a weekend dad once you split, and you won’t be able to force him to contribute more.

The ‘child support’ won’t make up for the fact that you’ve been left with the childcare (and SEND childcare is notoriously difficult to source) so you need to start getting your ducks in a row now and safeguard your future (and your children’s)

He is basically stealing security and safety from his own children so he can be safe and secure.

Ok so is he refusing to look after HIS children?
what are his hours? If you can only work 2 days a week when he’s off then get a weekend job until children are all at school?? Or could he do 4 long days and then 3 off so that you can then work 3 days?
Can you get help with childcare funding from government? If you work on the days he’s at work - will he pay a share of the childcare costs?!

No, he is not refusing to look after his children, but he cannot work 60/70 hours in seven days (one week) any longer, because it is making him to start feeling ill, and it happening during his week off to look after the children.

The majority of responses think that OP is BU to expect her DH to work 60-70 hour weeks. Not that she is 100% responsible for childcare. There have been many many posts saying DH needs to sort childcare.

It's also not the man's responsibility to be mostly responsible for the finances. Particularly when the couple is separating anyway.

Do you hate your husband? Why would you want him to have to work like this, to the point it's making him ill? You're extremely selfish and you are a million times BU

But the father isn’t working those hours currently! He’s being pre-emptively obstructive and trying to lay down the law about how things will be when the OP returns to work later in the year! He has time to figure things out as much as OP does!

He hasn’t worked those hours since last August and in the years that he was working them it was broken up by my being on maternity leave/he’s taken a couple of long term sickness absences etc.

So the issue was my agreeing with work when I would return and H not covering my shifts upon my returning.

I promise I didn’t force that working pattern on him. When we only had one child he worked normal(ish) shifts and we also had family helping us with childcare. Due to our second child’s high needs no family members will look after him for longer than an hour or two. Then his shifts changed to long days (everyone does them now) and my hours are set not flexible. I was basically told to deal with it or find another job unfortunately.

do you work in healthcare? Im wondering because of the nightmare shifts but loving the job anyway.
Could you think of any other sector you could enjoy just as much? education?

Then he'll need to reduce his hours.

I don't think he can reduce his hours, as it would mean less income.

The same as OP then. She will be working part-time so that she can fulfill her half of the childcare once they are separated. Why should he be entitled to work/earn more than OP when they are both parents and should share the burden equally? OPs part of the arrangement works well with a 50/50, his doesn't so he will have to make the adjustment.

The husband had worked his way up and now earn a decent wage, as probably has a high hourly rate. The OP hadn't worked her way up and would be reflected in what her hourly rate is. If they both work the same amount of hours each, the husband would obviously be earning more. In one of the OP updates, the 60/70 hours worked by the husband in a week was up to last August. The OP is on a year career break, and is soon going back to her career, but the husband doesn't want to doing the 60/70 hours again, as it waa making him feel ill, of which he experience during his week off, whilst looking after the child that's disabled. Had Disability Living Allowance been applied for yet? The DLA payments received should enable the husband to not having to work up to 60/70 hours every other week, plus the Carers Allowance payments should help out financially also. The OP had mentioned they had tried childminders, but the child needs specialist help whilst being looked after, therefore aren't suited.