To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

[PinkBalloona]

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

It sounds as though the gymnastics needed with his full time job, to accommodate your part time job plus childcare, are not manageable for him.

Working 60-70 hour weeks is not sustainable.

I think you should either pay for childcare, or find another job.

IMO his job takes priority given it’s the majority of your household income.

If you’re separating then that was info that really needed to be in the OP.

Co-parenting means that each of you is responsible for finding childcare when you have the children. He doesn’t need to change his days, you don’t need to change your job. You will each need to find something that works for your youngest.

If you’re separating then that was info that really needed to be in the OP.

Oh what, that little minor detail?

Agreed.

For the life of me I can't think why the OP dripped it.

Hmm, the critical separation factor is here. If you are separating your DH cannot dictate what you can and cannot work - you will need to earn your own money to be able to support your children and your own lifestyle. I question whether you'll be able to survive on 3 days per week yourself - work out what you need income wise. Then you need to work out how you cover childcare. Obviously, cramming it all in is going to make him ill but similarly, he has a disabled child that he will be coparenting so will need to factor in how tired that is going to make him too - he;s had the luxury of you not working for a while and that is not something that can continue.

Apologies, I didn’t mean to drip feed.

I still don’t understand the set up. How do you cram 3 days into one week? I do 5 days work in one week with no cramming?

Or do you mean you do 35 hours across three days one week, and then no hours the next week? So you’re effectively 0.5FTE? And then your husband picks up shifts when you’re off? But even then if you’re only doing 3 days he has 4 days to work so it still makes no sense.

But I suspect it’s irrelevant if you’re separating. You’ll likely both need to work full time and figure out childcare along the way.

Am I reading this correctly, OP…
week 1 - you’re with the children, your DH works 60-70 hours
week 2 - your DH is with the children and you work 3 days (unsure of hours?) and he’s with the children
repeat on a loop?

why does he have to work so many hours on your non-working week to accommodate you working 3 days the next? Why can’t he work on your non working days? Can’t you work 1.5 or 2 days a week so it’s less intensive when you’re both working?

Could he reduce his hours so instead of doing 60-70 hours a fortnight he does 45? And you work three days?

Poor bloke.

Working 70 hours a week in paid employment followed by childcare for the following week (presumably for a child with high care needs if paid childcare is out of the question) sounds completely unsustainable. How are you going to manage caring for youngest when you split up?

What happens on the 2 days per fortnight you have together (the 2 days in your working week you don’t work?)? Wouldn’t it be better for DH to do some work then instead?

This ^^. As you’re separating, you both need to be earning enough to live on and it sounds as if you’re going to need some paid childcare. Will your children be starting school in the next few years, as that might make things easier? Or will that not make much difference given your youngest’s care needs?

I think paid childcare is the only viable route.

You need to change roles OP. It doesn’t sound sustainable as it is. I also strongly suspect that your stbxh will say at some point in the near future he won’t facilitate this anymore and you’ll be stuffed.

Week 2 - I work 6 days then have a week off

If you are separating then the obvious choice would surely be to do one week off/one of so that you have the kids the week you don't work and he has them the week you do work.

How old are your children?

what is sounds like is that you can’t cover each others shift work he can work 6 12 hour shifts and you need to work as well

so at the moment is the plan one week each for the children?

YABU OP. I don’t blame him whatsoever and I cannot imagine thinking it is at all okay for him to be working that many hours a week.

If he is now doing his shifts as 3 12 hour shifts per week (is that right?) then why can’t you work for the alternative 4 days that week?

This is very confusing OP.

So you currently live in the same house but will separate? Separate to different houses?

How old are your children? Will they both be in school soon? That might make life easier?

Can you afford private childcare between you both, specific to your child's needs? Or is there respite, centres for whatever disability your child has that they can attend on days you both work?

What do you mean cramming 3 days in to one week? That's not what cramming is? Can you not spread your 3 days into a few half days?

In a 2 week period you husband could have 7 working days (assuming he doesn't work weekends) so he could work approx. 7, 10 hour days over 2 weeks? That's fairly normal. Isn't it?

You're going to have to consider his needs whether you are together or not, especially as he is told you the current set up is making him ill.

Is anyone else a bit confused?

Totally!

If you're separating then it's your own choice how many hours you work during the week you don't have the kids. He can work fewer hours if he can't manage that many in a week (which is understandable) but it's not your responsibility to solve. Do the kids go to school? There may be scope to make extra money while they are at school in your week 'on'.

Waiting for the next drip feed. (Ex)DP is also part antelope and must work close to the local watering hole.

So, to be fully clear, you work 60%, but instead of 3 days per week you do 6 per fortnight back to back? And your husband effectively works full time/100%, but in shift work, hours wise equivalent of 10 days in 7?

Sounds completely unsustainable for both of you.

^^ This

As you’re splitting, he doesn’t have to work opposite weeks to you. Even if you split and he went back to the old routine, he could turn around and say he won’t work those hours and you’d be stuck.

You didn’t walk into a trap by taking a year off- your h previously tried to make it work but realised that working 35 hours each week is much easier. Even if he didn’t take that year off, he would have eventually burned out and left.

You need a new job. I’m sorry that you can’t go back to the role that you enjoy but your h shouldn’t burn himself out to make it happen.

She means she works a 3 day week, but instead she works 6 days one week, no days the second. Essentially both parents are working their full work fortnight in a week, but OP's job is a 24 hour a week job whereas the father's job is a 40 hour job so he's working a lot more in his week on.

This is an important thing to miss out!