To work 3 days a week to the detriment of DH

[PinkBalloona]

Sorry for recently posting about this - reposting to receive balanced replies after listening to DH’s perspective.

I’m currently on a one year career break(to care for my children) from a part time role that I enjoy.

DH has now said he cannot/will not accommodate my shifts when it’s time to go back to work.

His reasoning -
I work one week on and one week off - DH is home when I work to look after the children. On his week off all his hours are crammed into one week so he ends up working 6-7 long days in a row which he says he cannot physically manage anymore and it makes him feel ill on his days off.

He wants me to drop my hours down but my job is contracted a set amount of hours/fixed days and times. I cannot pick and choose my hours and after requesting a long time ago it was suggested that I redeploy elsewhere or give up my job.

I now feel like I’ve essentially walked into a trap by taking a year off as he’s now not going to cover my shifts going back. I also don’t even know if 2 days per week jobs exist?? I enjoy working and having my own money.

AIBU? Am I not thinking of DH’s needs? His job is physically demanding and he said he sometimes ended up working 60/70 hours to accommodate my shifts?

What are everyone’s opinions please? Thank you

Ahh okay, thanks for clarifying.

This does sound wholly unsuitable for both of you. I know you say your DC is disabled but if you’re separating and want to continue working then you’re going to have to sort out suitable childcare (both of you). I suppose the other option is that you do a week on/week off arrangement with the children and work your own hours that actually suit you in that week? It might mean you’re both worse off financially but it could work.

I think you should ask for this to be deleted then repost with a much, much clearer OP, including the pertinent information that you're divorcing. You're going to get pages of replies trying to clarify your working patterns and assuming you'll continue to be in a relationship in the same house.

You are going to have to sort out some childcare that works for you.

You might also need to change your job.

YANBU, for 2 reasons. First, this was agreed before you took the year off. He may not want to go back to it, but until you find an alternative, unfortunately he will have to. Secondly, he doesn't cram his work into 1 week to accommodate you, he does it to look after his disabled child every other week. It sounds to be like you have a nice arrangement which allows for one parent to be with your child at all times. Yes, a 2 day job would work but it would have to fit on his days off (are they the same every week?) and would not be a sufficient income for you if you are separating.

Ah right! Thanks!

It's all completely ridiculous and un-manageable as it is.

You (OP) both need to sit down together and work this out properly, especially if you are separating.

I don't know why so many people are saying if you are separating he can't tell you what you do or vice versa. Obviously neither of you can dictate, but you need to agree and both probably compromise, you can't both say I'm working 9-5 Monday to Friday and will only have both children on the Saturday and 1 on the Sunday or I will only have the children the 3rd week of each month etc.

It's vitally important you talk this through unselfishly with the main focus on the children and both your physical and mental health.

There will be jobs that are 2 or 3 days a week - I saw a dinner lady job recently that was 2 days a week, but it totally depends on what you want or are willing to do.

Why is it op’s problem . Why doesn’t she go back to work and he deals with his job and childcare. .

Its team work they both need to find a solution

What would be the plan when you separate? Would you be able to work at all?

Classic MN drip feed…pretty vital piece of information missed off from the start 🙄

But if they separate and keep the kids on a 50/50 pattern as they are now, it's up to each of them to determine their own working patterns around their children. It's up to OP how many hours she wants to work and likewise up to the father too. If it's too many hours for him he can reduce them. It's nothing to do with OP whether he works 10,40 or 100 hours in his week without the children.

I think you need to be very clear with him that any discussion must involve you both accepting equal responsibility for childcare and both of you having an equal right to work. That you are prepared to manage your week to enable you to do 50% of the childcare, and he needs to do the same. If the week on week off isn't working for him, then he needs to find another solution. I'd sit with him and help him generate options, but be very firm that me covering more of his share was not an option. It's a shame when discussion needs to come to this, but when a man is so clearly focused on his own wishes and assumes you will be subject to them, that you are the default carer and his right to work takes priority over yours, there's no option but to correct it firmly unless you want that to be the blue print for your life.

Then he works less hours too. Youre both going to worse off after splitting up and running two households but that’s what happens.

Tbh OP, now that you're separating your ex is obviously not going to keep working hours he doesn't want to do to accommodate your job, so you will definitely need to find another solution.

But it is hers and the children's problem if he has to work that many hours in that pattern to keep his job and income and to be able to look after the children on his week. If he is saying now it's making him ill, it will only get worse and possibly render him incapable of looking after the children on any week.

I can't understand why the health and availability of the man you are co-parenting with would not be important and a deciding factor in any career decisions for either of them?

It can be important but it can't be more important than the OPs ability to support herself. If she has the kids every other week he can then choose how much he works on the weeks he has without the kids. He can do what OP does and work part time. Why should he be entitled to work and earn more than OP and OP has to work around that? She wants to keep her job, he wants to keep his job but they have both decided to have kids so it's only fair that they split the time with them 50% and figure out their own work schedules to fit around that.

talk about burying the leads

you are going to need to work more to support yourself and your household.

he can’t physically handle so many hours in one week. The human body can only do so much.

What about mtWRFSN-mtWRfsn custody schedule? That way you would each have predictable weekdays and weekends on a 14 day rotation, but the longest child-free spell to work is 5 days. You will both struggle to work full - time, but that is life as a single parent if you can’t hire care.

Ok, but it's still his responsibility to sort out! Not hers. Yes it would be better if they had reliable childcare that they paid for between them but if he's looking after the kids 50% of the time it's up to him how he fits his work around that. That's life when you're a separated parent. Why is OP responsible for facilitating him working when she's in exactly the same position?

I don't think there's any sort of trap involved here. He's given it a good bash this way, it's too hard, so there needs to be another solution.

You both working shifts is potentially a workable solution for sharing the kids. Just not these particular shift patterns. Between you you are either going to have to find childcare or more flexible jobs. Or probably both.

Is there any scope for him to go back to a more regular pattern, you do your shifts and you get a nanny on a fortnightly pattern?

Financially I would have to work, the difficultly with my current role is that it’s set hours and set shifts. When the time comes to go back I will have to think of all options, I definitely understand how him continuing cramming all his shifts together isn’t feasible. It’s very difficult.

I totally agree, neither of them are entitled to anything more than the other. Neither of them gets to dictate to the other. That's why communication and a workable agreement between them both is the best option with neither of them being selfish and it's probably going to involve compromise on both sides.

Like it or not, they decided to reproduce together they are going to have to decide how to raise these children together whether in a relationship or not. They are going to have to factor in each others wants and needs, for their own well-being and their children's.

Separating adds a whole different thing to this.
Your not asking your dh to work as a team your asking your ex to keeping working in a way he finds he cannot cope with long term to help his ex (you).

With the separation how is the day to day of the children going to be divided? 50/50 40/60 EOW?

Both of you need to find your own childcare on your own days.

Many years ago in my early 20’s I worked shifts in a call centre. Part of the rota was 7am - 3pm Monday until Friday, plus Saturday 7am-2pm, followed by 5 days off before the next shift. I had no children then, the first day off was awful, I was shattered, second day, just coming round, followed by 3 days feeling normal again. I dreaded this shift on a 13 week rolling pattern, I was knackered. I was very fit during this time period as well, swimming a mile twice a week in 45 minutes. But didn’t have any other responsibilities other than a few house chores, which wasn’t too taxing.

Your situation is very different to what I did, you have a family in the mix and I believe you’re asking too much of him. My job wasn’t physical, ok mentally draining, but tiring. Your husband has explained that he can’t physically do anymore than what he’s already providing. Having childcare in place could alleviate this predicament if you really want to do the job you love. I once worked with a woman whose wage literally covered childcare every month. She looked ahead to when they’d be that bit older and no longer required it, and no longer using most of her salary for it. She loved her job and sacrificed these years knowing it would get better eventually.

It’s probably unlikely that we would do exactly 50-50 childcare with his shifts and him working full time, it’s hard to know until we are properly separated though. It’s likely that I will have our youngest a lot more, our other child is old enough to make their own decision and is old enough to be able to look after themselves for a few hours.

Dripfeed!

Right. If you are separating, then you both need to have your son .5 and find work and childcare around that to accommodate as many hours as you are able. Now, you may be able to accommodate each other some of the time, but neither of you should be taking a career hot to the benefit of the other.

Also, calculate how long this situation will last. Look at your dc with additional needs and try to predict how long he will need extra care/supervision. This may be very hard for two years, but fine once he’s in full time education so is worth you both pushing through, or it may be a permanent extra care situation so a permanent solution is needed.