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AIBU?

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Original poster

Princess behaviour?

252 replies

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:23

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

OP posts:
LeaveTaking · 28/03/2025 10:27

I think if birthdays are big thing in your house then it doesn’t feel fair yours wasn’t treated in the same way.

Have you spoken to your DH about how it made you feel?

I wouldn’t blame a young child for giving a gift in a bag though. It’s the thought.

This wouldn’t be a shocker in our house but we don’t do huge birthday things for adults.

NuffSaidSam · 28/03/2025 10:27

I think your DH was in an awkward position where he'd been asked to organise something, but also repeatedly told how difficult it would/how down you were etc. I can see why he might have thought keeping it low key was best.

What did you want him to organise? What would have been the best day he could have given you?

Fancycheese · 28/03/2025 10:30

I’m so sorry birthdays are hard for you. I think this is likely just a miscommunication issue. Your idea of what you meant by planning something is obviously very different to your DH’s. They did organise presents and a cake, so it’s not like they forgot entirely.

My DH is exceptionally good at surprises and organising things like this, but not everyone is. And if I wanted to do something specific, I’d tell him in advance. Perhaps your DH genuinely thought that you just wanted to keep it low key.

it seems as though your upset here is largely stemming from the feelings of loss and being alone that you mention. Maybe you could speak to someone about that and going forward, I’d just be clearer to your family about your expectations. Have you told your DH how you feel?

I also love celebrating my own birthday and those of other adults in the family, so you’re not alone there!

Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:32

Dc are 20 and 19

OP posts:
YoungSoak · 28/03/2025 10:33

You were sending mixed messages to your DH. On one hand you were saying you find birthdays tough but on the other hand you were telling him to organise something which he did but it wasn’t what you wanted. You need to be more specific if you wanted a spa day or a party etc in future

IllMet · 28/03/2025 10:33

NuffSaidSam · 28/03/2025 10:27

I think your DH was in an awkward position where he'd been asked to organise something, but also repeatedly told how difficult it would/how down you were etc. I can see why he might have thought keeping it low key was best.

What did you want him to organise? What would have been the best day he could have given you?

Yes, exactly. You were basically saying 'Organise fun things to make me feel special for a day I've repeatedly told you is causing me enormous distress, triggering me about feeling 'alone' etc! It's your responsibility to stop me feeling terrible!'

It was an impossible job. Your DH is not responsible for your own complex about birthdays, and frankly, I'm not sure I would have wanted to spend the day doing 'fun' things with someone who was permanently on the verge of tears, or who got upset about the wrapping of a present.

If you had specific ideas for what would have made you happier, you should have communicated them. And you clearly aren't 'alone' in any sense. You have a spouse and children and friends.

yeesh · 28/03/2025 10:35

He should have made an effort and your children are adults they should have made more effort as well. It’s not princess behaviour to want a fuss on your bday, especially a big one

Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:36

I am sorry I don’t think I made myself clear.

I was only upset because nothing was done, not because I would have been upset anyway.

I had asked him to organise something nice. His answer has been that he couldn’t really think of anything. I was upset because so little effort was made.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:37

My older dd didn’t come at all, as she was busy.

OP posts:
mamajong · 28/03/2025 10:38

I love celebrating my birthday and others, but I do feel it's up to the person whose birthday it is to say what they want to do. It feels like you didn't communicate very well and are disappointed that no one read your mind. I have a big birthday coming up, I've told DH I'd like a weekend away and have made a few suggestions of places, and I've chatted with a few close friends and we're going to do something involving cocktails. Yanbu to expect some effort but I think as an adult you need to take a degree of control

OhCobblers · 28/03/2025 10:39

That’s shit of him and your daughters. Tell him it’s not too late and he can get your daughters involved too!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/03/2025 10:41

Something nice is really vague. You had a spa weekend booked with your friends so the day would be just for you DH and
DC, presents, birthday cake and lunch sounds about right. I would struggle if my DH said organise something nice whilst simultaneously saying how difficult birthdays were for him

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 28/03/2025 10:41

Nothing was done?

You had cards, presents, cake and lunch out. What did you actually ask him to plan that he didn’t plan? Or did you just literally ask him to plan ‘something’? If you wanted a special day out and you knew you’d be upset if you didn’t get it, why not communicate that to him clearly? “On my birthday, I’d love to go to London for the day to see a matinee and then go for dinner. Can you book it so that I don’t have to?!”

Maitri108 · 28/03/2025 10:42

Is this a case of your expectations being unrealistic? Is he any good at organising and planning things or were you expecting a miracle?

He sounds like a lazy prick and I can't believe people are making excuses for him. He could have booked a city break or a restaurant or a fancy hotel or a cocktail bar or a theatre trip...If he was absolutely skint, a meal at home and some flowers.

mrsmiggins78 · 28/03/2025 10:43

I don't mean to be brutal but I think it's time you grew up.

NoctuaAthene · 28/03/2025 10:43

When you say adult birthdays are a big thing in your house, is this all organized by you or do your DH and adult DCs make a lot of effort for one another too? I don't think you're being unreasonable and princess-y either way but if it's the former maybe you want to reassess whether the birthday fuss is all a one way street and therefore dial down the effort you make for others if it's not reciprocated, some people just prefer lower key and less fuss which is OK but it should apply equally to them as well. Whereas if it's the latter and they put a lot of effort into other people's birthdays but not yours then that really is super hurtful and I'd be questioning them all quite deeply about why that is. How have your other none-milestone birthdays gone, were you happy with what they organised last year and the year before for instance or has this been simmering resentment for some time now?

Notsosure1 · 28/03/2025 10:43

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:32

Dc are 20 and 19

Oh dear, I’m not surprised the Tesco bag was a let down 💐

witheringrowan · 28/03/2025 10:44

I'd be having sharp words with your daughters who did nothing, not your husband who does appear to have made some effort.

Fairyliz · 28/03/2025 10:44

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:32

Dc are 20 and 19

Blimey I thought you were going to say they were about 4 and 6 in which case a present in a bag was reasonable.
Honestly I think your kids need a rocket up their arse. From early teens my kids managed to sort out presents and treats for me with no prompting. They actually do a lot more than I would expect.
Perhaps tell them how upset you feel. How do children learn their parents have feelings too unless you tell them.

Cognacsoft · 28/03/2025 10:46

My 60th birthday was a washout and since then it’s not got better.
Strange because my dh used to be brilliant at organising nice birthdays.
Now I go into it with an idea of what I want and I make it happen.
It doesn’t help that I’m a summer birthday so people are not always around.

Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:48

I just hoped for one day where I felt like I mattered. Like most mothers I dedicate decades to ensuring they are loved and cared for. I haven’t been well, and it’s been a tough period. I didn’t expect a full on surprise party or anything, but just some recognition that it is a milestone and have one day together doing something nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:50

It was my dc that said I was a princess and spoilt, and I should be grateful they have got me something as they didn’t have to.
DD1 had said she would try and come, and then spent the day with her new boyfriend. It was hurtful.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 28/03/2025 10:53

Hard to tell. It may be that your DH and children were being shit but it sounds like a really mixed message you gave. You were dreading it but you wanted it celebrated? You find it hard but you wanted it to be special? I would find it very hard to know what to do with that that would make you happy. Especially as it also sounds like you wanted to be surprised so didn't want to talk about it ahead of time

Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:54

I was dreading it because I sensed that it would be ignored, that even though I had spelt out how much a surprise would mean to me that it just wouldn’t happen. And it didn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:55

I just think what’s the point? That’s how it’s left me feeling.

OP posts:
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