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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Princess behaviour?

252 replies

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:23

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

OP posts:
MrsTWH · 28/03/2025 19:03

I‘m really sorry, OP. I get it, and no you aren’t spoiled or being a princess. I would do bare minimum for everyone from now on. And arrange lovely things with friends. It’s time they all grew up and you stop doing all the thankless jobs and start living your life. X

PassingStranger · 28/03/2025 19:36

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:50

It was my dc that said I was a princess and spoilt, and I should be grateful they have got me something as they didn’t have to.
DD1 had said she would try and come, and then spent the day with her new boyfriend. It was hurtful.

He sounds a prince.
Your daughter dosent sound very loving or caring either.
Some people haven't a clue have they?
Match their effort on their special day.

Moonnstars · 28/03/2025 19:44

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 18:58

Typically had the busiest day ever at work. Thank you for all of your posts.

Just to answer my dh definitely knows the things I love to do. With a little thought I personally feel he could have come up with something.

Lunch to be clear was a cafe on a farm it was not special in any way.

I would have preferred a nice day over any gift.

My dh knew this might be an issue as we had exactly the same problem on my 30th and he knew how much that upset me. I didn’t think it would be the same…

DD does have a long way to come, she could definitely have tried harder.

I have a chronic illness and currently being screened for cancer. I have so much going on in this dept I thought they might have understood and made an effort.

When I say we all celebrate birthdays. I do most of it for dc, dh and our friends.

It has been helpful writing this. As it’s made me realise I wasn’t asking for the world. They are the only family I have.

Edited

As you knew you had issues on your 30th then I would definitely have taken control this time.
As I said previously, do other family members care so much about birthdays or is something you like to celebrate? You say it is you who does most of it. Is this because you are generally seen as a good organiser or is it because you are the one who thinks people should be doing something?
I think you would save yourself a lot of upset if you just accepted that maybe other family members don't feel the same about birthdays as you do, and to feel special on your birthday you need to make the arrangements and say this is what we are doing.

TrixieFatell · 28/03/2025 19:49

I'm a complete birthday princess and wear that crown with pride. I see birthdays as a celebration of you, and I will celebrate a birthday as such. I always book mine off. I put effort into all my family's birthdays, they get to choose what they do on their day. My partner had a different approach when we first met and I had some meh birthdays where there had been no thought even though I'd go to town on theirs but we celebrate now. My kids are the same as they have been brought up with birthdays being a day of big celebration.

People can have their birthdays as they want but if you've expressed how you want to celebrate yours (and this was a milestone birthday) anf they have paid no attention I'd be upset too. I find birthdays tough as I don't have any family other then my partner and kids, and a crap birthday makes me feel very isolated and alone. Birthdays were a big thing when I was a kid so to not have any celebrations highlights who I don't have in my life anymore.

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2025 19:50

mrsmiggins78 · 28/03/2025 16:36

Encouraging people to sweat the small stuff doesn't 'help'

Show quote history

To the OP it wasn't 'small stuff'

And it doesn't change how you spoke to her

AliBaliBee1234 · 28/03/2025 20:05

YANBU, I would be upset too.

Like others have said, maybe your DH thought you didn't want to celebrate. Although personally I would have still arranged something special.

Don't feel down about turning 40. Age really is just a number. I bet you look back at 30 and see how young it is.

mrsmiggins78 · 28/03/2025 20:38

Nanny0gg · 28/03/2025 19:50

To the OP it wasn't 'small stuff'

And it doesn't change how you spoke to her

Show quote history

She asked for feedback and has got it. Why should I lie? And why do you care so much?

TheHerboriste · 28/03/2025 20:47

mrsmiggins78 · 28/03/2025 17:09

I don’t totally disagree. Interesting to see the overall vote is quite closely tied as well.
I think what’s squewing it for me is she expects them to “know”. And I think there are definite princessy overtones to all of her posts. I suspect she’s the type who routinely goes OTT and the rest of the family are bored with it.

Show quote history

Exactly. Expecting them to be psychic is a bit much, especially when giving out mixed signals re dreading the day.

I

ShriekingTrespasser · 28/03/2025 23:55

It seems like you’d value a meal, an activity or a day out more than anything else. Why not start doing that for every birthday? You don’t have to wait for milestone birthdays.
Sorry to hear you’ve been unwell. All the best and hope you have a quick recovery.

BunnyLake · 29/03/2025 15:34

I think the least he could have done was book somewhere really special for lunch. A farm cafe is somewhere I go on any old day. You have every right to be upset.

Pices · 29/03/2025 15:45

Drop the rope, OP. March their efforts. Your children are adults. If cake and presents is their standard then match it. Plan your own celebrations without them.

m00rfarm · 29/03/2025 19:00

I gave up years ago - now I arrange my own parties, invite who I want, cater how I want, have the music/entertainment how I want - works out fine for me. Wish I had done it sooner.

BakelikeBertha · 29/03/2025 19:11

Not that I want to rub salt in the wounds OP, but my DH arranged for us and our best friends to go to Paris for 4 days to celebrate my 40th. He even called my employer, unbeknownst to me, and arranged for me to have the time off. If he can do it, I don't see why any man can't do something equivalent, even if you don't have too much money to splash around.

I totally get how disappointed you must have been. As for your daughter, choosing to spend the day with someone she barely knows, over and above her DM, that is really disappointing, and selfish. As I once told someone, you've known it's my birthday, ever since the one last year, there is NO excuse!!

Retiredfromearlyyears · 29/03/2025 19:16

So you had lunch,gifts and a cake with your family and a lovely spa break with your freinds!?
I really think you are a very lucky woman. Kids can be thoughtless but you say you have cared selflessly for them for decades.Thats as it should be,it is what good parents do. You gave your husband very mixed messages about how difficult the day would be for you but then wanted surprised? "Spent the whole day crying"What did you want.? How awful for your family! Just move on and be clearer on what you hope for next time.

Iamnicola · 29/03/2025 19:56

I get you! I felt exactly the same about my 40th I felt like everyone had forgotten I was really upset by it and still get upset when I think about it! For my 50th I’ve decided I’m going to book something for myself like a holiday.

Calliopespa · 29/03/2025 20:48

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:32

Dc are 20 and 19

Oh in that case the Tesco bag is a bit off.

Laurmolonlabe · 29/03/2025 22:34

If I really wanted something organised I'd tend to do it myself- otherwise you would just be thinking something else would have been nicer- you can't expect a surprise party, it wouldn't be a surprise.
Asking your DH to organise is a perfect recipe for disaster in my opinion.
Personally I think surprise parties are just fodder for TV programmes and films, real life isn't like that.
Not being prioritised by your children is just part of being a parent, not having children is often called out as being selfish- the other side of that is that being a parent is meant to be selfless.

Thefsm · 29/03/2025 23:10

It’s not unreasonable to wish a fuss was made of you. But it is unreasonable to expect it from people who haven’t previously shown that kind of effort. Some people don’t understand how to plan surprises or get stuck on second guessing what the other person would like. Or else work is stressful and a million other things get in the way.

moping about it helps nothing. You got cake, gifts and went out with some of your loved ones. That’s a decent day. 40 is just another year no idea why people attach importance to numbers like that.

I’ve never really had a good adult birthday. I find it best to think of it as just another day.

Calliopespa · 29/03/2025 23:15

Thefsm · 29/03/2025 23:10

It’s not unreasonable to wish a fuss was made of you. But it is unreasonable to expect it from people who haven’t previously shown that kind of effort. Some people don’t understand how to plan surprises or get stuck on second guessing what the other person would like. Or else work is stressful and a million other things get in the way.

moping about it helps nothing. You got cake, gifts and went out with some of your loved ones. That’s a decent day. 40 is just another year no idea why people attach importance to numbers like that.

I’ve never really had a good adult birthday. I find it best to think of it as just another day.

I agree with the “ ignore it” approach!

DH and I just have a nicer family meal than normal, perhaps open a special bottle of wine and we give gifts to each other and get them from Dc. ( They do tend to actually wrap them though so am with Op on the Tesco bag!)

Gemmawemma9 · 29/03/2025 23:23

They have treated you really poorly, OP. I’m sorry. You deserve to be made a fuss of and feel special.

Calliopespa · 29/03/2025 23:26

Gemmawemma9 · 29/03/2025 23:23

They have treated you really poorly, OP. I’m sorry. You deserve to be made a fuss of and feel special.

I think they tried; they just didn’t grasp the scale op was envisaging. I wouldn’t like a surprise party - many wouldn’t - so they may not have thought along those lines.

Calliopespa · 29/03/2025 23:29

BakelikeBertha · 29/03/2025 19:11

Not that I want to rub salt in the wounds OP, but my DH arranged for us and our best friends to go to Paris for 4 days to celebrate my 40th. He even called my employer, unbeknownst to me, and arranged for me to have the time off. If he can do it, I don't see why any man can't do something equivalent, even if you don't have too much money to splash around.

I totally get how disappointed you must have been. As for your daughter, choosing to spend the day with someone she barely knows, over and above her DM, that is really disappointing, and selfish. As I once told someone, you've known it's my birthday, ever since the one last year, there is NO excuse!!

The Paris jaunt is not normal though.

Most elaborate I’ve attended has been dinner parties and all my friends are over 40 now.

lazyarse123 · 29/03/2025 23:33

I'm so sorry your birthday was not what you wanted. I have no words for your daughters. Selfish, it wouldn't have hurt for them to make an effort. I would be surely tempted to put that much effort into theirs in future.

Calliopespa · 29/03/2025 23:35

One thing I would say op - and I don’t know if it is helpful or not - but some people ( and IME particularly men!)) - tend to find it harder to be demonstrative if they feel they are being led by the nose into it. Think how many men get totally irritated by those rose sellers that come into European restaurants! I think next year you might have more luck if you stay quiet and let him feel he is delivering above expectations.

Gemmawemma9 · 29/03/2025 23:42

Calliopespa · 29/03/2025 23:26

I think they tried; they just didn’t grasp the scale op was envisaging. I wouldn’t like a surprise party - many wouldn’t - so they may not have thought along those lines.

Show quote history

Giving a gift in a Tesco carrier bag is not trying. Being fucking rude and horrible to your mum when she expresses disappointment is not trying.
They don’t have to roll out the red carpet.
They could have put some balloons and banners around the house for her. A special cake from a bakery. Book a table for dinner in a special restaurant, somewhere a bit fancier than they would usually go. This is the norm for a milestone birthday I think!