Princess behaviour?

[Laststraw25]

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

This!
I’d have been upset in your shoes, OP. TBH, my DH did nothing for my 50th, but a, I know he’s rubbish at stuff like that so had low expectations and, b, he does lots of little things for me throughout the year, so it ultimately didn’t bother me. It sounds as though your case is different though, because (reading between the lines) you’re not necessarily shown you’re valued the rest of the year and would have liked ONE day of being thought about. That’s definitely not too much to ask, I don’t think — regardless of whether or not other posters celebrate birthdays as adults.

I think that if he couldn't think of anything he should have said.

I usually say what I want to do & it's organised for me.

Many people get to their 40th without a husband, children or living parents. I’d focus on what I have instead of moaning and crying that not enough was done for me.

Perhaps some professional counseling is in order.

This is really awful. Your DH should have organised something special and then read the riot act about being selfish if your DDs were not willing to commit to showing up.

It's more that it makes very little sense to say you have no family to celebrate with, when the same post mentions a husband and two young adult children.

I think this is really rubbish on the part of your DH and kids. If messages were mixed the decision or apathy that resulted in nothing being done is just pretty poor. There are lots of ways that you could have been made to feel special in a planned way. You are not being a princess to be feeling sad at all. Sending you huge hugs x

Why do you feel alone when you have a DH, DD and friends who celebrated with you the following week?

Were you worried about becoming 40?

I'd be disappointed in your daughters' lack of effort, but I don't see what your DH did wrong. I seems that you were putting a lot of pressure on him to think of a "surprise" that you'd really like. Whereas the reality might well have been that he'd organise something and you'd hate it, and that would have been equally bad. Just tell him what you want him to organise and take the pressure off if you want your birthday to be special?

women should really use birthdays to do something nice for themselves and get away for a bit, if they can. most men really do not care! which is fine...you do nothing AT ALL for theirs. maybe after a while, once they notice that you are NOT hanging out with them on your special day, they may get the message....

I would be saving the Tesco bag that your DD gave you your present in and on her Birthday do the exact same....using that same Tesco bag!

See how she damned will likes it!

You reap what you sow. Never too late to teach them a lesson.

Your kids do sound a bit obnoxious.

I'm guessing your DP thought cards and presents and cake were enough and maybe just thought you wouldn't want a fuss as you said you'd been dreading it, but I think your adult kids should have at least managed to wrap you a bloody gift and make the effort to see you.

TBH I never understand people wanting a big fuss over adult birthdays. I can understand anyone being upset if there’s literally nothing, nobody has bothered to remember, but having cards, presents, cake and lunch out sounds like what most people would be pleased with.

Exactly! It’s sort of a slap in the face to them, too.

I'm sorry but it sounds as though some nice things did happen on your birthday. Cake, presents and lunch out sounds lovely

You were sensing it would be ignored but then still left him to it? I mean, it wasn’t ignored anyway but I think if you have fairly specific ideas of what you want to do you need to be clearer about it. Expecting your DH to be a mind-reader isn’t going to go well.

It was my 40th recently and we had a weekend in London organised entirely by me, which is the way I wanted it.

Obviously if you feel your DH isn’t cherishing you properly day-to-day and this is affecting your judgement on this, then that’s another thing.

I am very much of the opinion that we should give back the energy others give us.

Two years in a row my 'partner' forgot my birthday. The first year, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and still bought him gifts/card/dinner. The second year, I ignored his birthday. He was hurt. And accused me of tit for tatting when I told him why. Well, yes mate!

He wonders now why we have a much reduced relationship. Because he now gets what he has given energy wise for most of our relationship.

Cards present and cake , followed by a spa weekend with friends doesn’t sound too bad to me.

Has your DH arranged any special dinner or night away for another time.

Your DC behaviour is typical but at that age I would reciprocate for their birthdays. They need to understand that mummy makes things special to an age but then it needs to be how the family treats each other

So you have learned a life-lesson, that not everyone puts as much 'weight' on a birthday as you do, and you can't 'demand' that people show in a way you want, that they care. That's life. It's tough. It's not helpful to dwell on it and to go on about it - rightly or wrongly that could encourage comments about being a 'princess'.

It is our job to love our children. It's our emotional maturity that accepts that they won't always reciprocate in a way we would like.

For the future, make the plans for yourself to do what you want to do and just accept that others won't necessarily do it for you.

I spent the evening of my 60th at the vet with a dog who’d fainted 10 minutes before we were due to go out for dinner and a night in a local hotel. Nothing wrong with him.

DH organised cards, presents, cake, lunch out etc so he did do a bit. In future instead of telling him to organise ‘something’ then being upset when it’s not what you wanted just bloody tell him. “DH, I think X will be fun for my birthday this year, can you sort it” or just do it yourself.

Your children however, they are who I would be annoyed with. They are old enough that they should be behaving better than self absorbed, selfish teens and I’d suggest you start treating their birthdays with the same effort. Put the money you’ll save in a pot and use it to treat yourself.

Then that’s what you needed to say

i do empathise because I have this same history either birthdays linked to not feeling special as a child but I’ve taken responsibility and communicate clearly and if I’m relying on unreliable people that’s my fault! Don’t set yourself up - given you’ve said you’ve been doing everything that’s your clue

I think your children thinking you are a princess and saying it to you suggests bigger issues in your relationships and mis communication and not a shared understanding of what birthday celebrations involve says something as well. You said we celebrate in a certain way when really it's just you do so for everyone else. It sounds like they are taking you for granted and you've allowed it.

I would not be planning much for them in future.

its not about the gift / activity itself. People who see the lack of gift are missing the point. Its about the attitude. It's about feeling you matter. People who don't give a shit what matters to you don't deserve you to make an effort for them.

I’m with you, what a let down. You asked for a lovely day to cheer you up and no one made an effort. Has he apologised?

I think going forward it’s probably best that you get involved in the planning, think of some ideas, talk them through and once you’ve agreed you can get him to arrange it. I know suprisises are lovely but often we have an idea of what we want and it’s so easy to get disappointed. Especially when they’ve made barely any effort! Sorry that your 40th was such a disappointment. Hope you make up for it next year!

I was only down because he didn’t organise anything.

I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it.

I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day

I'm sorry OP, I don't think you realise it but you have 100% set yourself up for failure here, on one hand you said you wanted DH to 'plan something', but then spent the run up to your birthday telling DH you were dreading it and how hard you find birthdays.

He has kept it low key, and he isn't responsible for how other adults (adult daughters) and friends, choose to celebrate you on your birthday.

There is absolutely no reason you couldn't have told him WHAT YOU WOULD ENJOY DOING, then leave him to organise it? Did you want a party? Did you want friends involved? Did you want a day out? Did you want to stay at home and ignore the milestone (which is the impression you gave off).

You set the negative tone here, it's no surprise the whole thing failed to meet your requirements as you never told people what they were.