Princess behaviour?

[Laststraw25]

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

Maybe after years of being with someone who’s difficult to please, the husband’s confidence is undermined & he can’t think of anything that would have satisfied. It would be interesting to get his side of the story.

She clearly means extended family - Also OP hasn't mentioned why this is, but there's all sorts of very sad reasons you might not have extended family to celebrate with, and if you've seen a lot of people around you celebrate their birthdays with family events, it's not even really about the birthday, it just reminds you that you don't have that and of the reasons why.

'Some people have noone therefore you are not allowed to have any problems related to family ever' this cannot be a serious comment. It's okay to have expectations beyond nothing or the bare minimum out of life you know, it's not actually a competition of who needs the least emotionally - doesn't make you a better person for having different emotional needs to OP.

I think it's piss poor on the part of your DH and DC, who collectively have all the attributes of the Wizard of Oz characters.

We hear this time and time again that men didn't know what to do, so they did fuck all! And adult DDs calling their Mum a princess because she wanted to see them/have a wrapped present on her birthday is awful. It's not even about money, it's about wanting to make a fuss of those you love for one day a year.

Despite what you said, OP I think that birthdays clearly AREN'T a thing in your house and tbis won't ever change. So, in future I would focus on arranging something fun for you and your friends, that way, it will always be something to look forward too.

Not really an excuse though is it, to agree to DW request to arrange a nice day for her birthday and then not putting in any effort. If it is as you assume - putting in years of effort and DW not being happy then he was free to say ‘sorry DW, I know what will happen you won’t like what I plan, let’s plan together’. Instead of letting her down on her 40th

Well I think that was pretty shit for any birthday but for a milestone one —- your family were awful. Daughter said she didn’t have to give you anything , wonder how she’ll feel if you make no effort for her birthday.
Your DH could easily have organised a restaurant, cinema, theatre, outing to somewhere he knows you love. He could have ordered a gift ready gift wrapped online and a bouquet of flowers, it’s not rocket science.

Sorry it was a rubbish 40th ( mine was as well, I paid for a weekend away, husband got drunk as per usual and gave me the smallest, cheapest Body Shop basket — I hated Body Shop stuff)

Same here! I had to organise what I wanted to do for 21st 30th 40th 50th myself. I have had a few colleagues surprise me with meals out etc, which was lovely but as a family we are expected to speak up and get things done.
DP would have gone into a stress meltdown if I had told him to organise stuff.
For his milestone birthdays I ask him what he wants and if he wants me to help him organise that or not.

I didn’t vote at the start as wasn’t sure if YABU, but I don’t think that you are, and I am someone who isn’t bothered about their own birthday.

There was a distinct lack of effort by your husband which must have felt quite hurtful, it sounds as though something lowkey but thoughtful would have been all that you wanted. I wonder if in a few years your daughters will look back and feel ashamed at their lack of effort, too.

OP, I fully understand your hurt at your family basically ignoring your 40th birthday. They are in the wrong, it would not have been difficult for them to make it a special day for you. They had a wonderful opportunity to show you love and thanks for all the things you do for them all but instead chose to do so little. I send you belated birthday wishes.

Now, what to do? If I was in your shoes I would not do anything for your husband and each adult child on their next birthday. Of course you will find this difficult but provide a cake for the one who got your cake, a gift of similar value wrapped in a Tesco bag for the one who got you that gift. Match their energy, put the same amount of effort they put into your birthday into each of their birthdays.
They won’t like it but it will be the kick up the backsides that they need.

I would also be less amenable in daily life for each of them, not quite so helpful, not getting stuff, not sorting stuff out for them, not giving lifts or money. I’m not saying stop completely but cut it down so they start to value it when you do things for them. Something like every third time they ask you to do something for them or give something to them say no and stick to it. I guarantee that after a few strops they will start to value you more. See it as a plan to actually make them better people.

Sadly many people stop valuing people who constantly help and support them, they take the help and support for granted and that leads to not valuing the person. Your two children and husband and guilty of this.

Some people would consider presents, cake and lunch out a nice day?

For my 40th on the actual day I went to a toddler group, then my parents came over to babysit so we could go out for dinner. Not much different to the OP’s day and I was very happy with it.

I don't think it's princess behaviour at all. I think when you have no family (and for me, I literally have no parents, siblings, spouse, kids, or real aunts or uncles) - birthdays can be very bittersweet. I organised my own meal at home for my 50th for my cousins, their husbands and their kids. I cooked, washed up, and had to buy my own birthday cake as I knew nobody would bring anything.

In the end they all sat eating my food, drinking my drinks, and didn't lift a finger to help. They talked all day about fathers day, (the day after), an upcoming baby arrival in 5 months time, and a wedding 18 months later. It was my birthday for literally 10 mins while I drank a glass of champagne that a friend had bought me, and opened a few cards.

I'm not doing it again. I just wanted a couple of hours for it to be about me, because for 364 days a year, it really never is.

So, I really know how you feel. Next time, organise something just for you, and manage your own expectations. When I was 51 I went on a gorgeous long bike ride in the sun (helpful when you are born at midsummer!) and stopped half way at a nice cafe for lunch.

Your DC's attitude sucks. As for the rest, I don't know. I think if you want something, you should either ask for it, or organise it yourself. DH and I have completely different attitudes regarding birthdays (I don't care, he wants a big fuss). Over the years, it has backfired a few times. The most successful ones have been when we were clear what we wanted (he wanted a big party for his 40th - my idea of hell, I wanted him to stop booking luxury weekends in the countryside in November and get some concert tickets instead).

The fact you said it was difficult for you probably meant your DH didn't think you wanted an enormous party. It sounds to me like a perfectly nice normal birthday.

My dad, bless him, was dreadful with stuff like that and would just give my mum a blank cheque as a birthday present!

I know all families are different, but it doesn't really sound like you've got that much to complain about. Though I suppose your adult kids could've made a bit more effort.

You're going to the spa, that's something nice. I hope you enjoy that x

This!!!

I would have been happy with a card, presents, and lunch out. I understand that it's not about me, but my point is that perhaps you needed to be more specific, if that wasn't going to be enough. I don't subscribe to the idea that men need step by step instructions to celebrate their wives birthdays, but in this case, what you got seems reasonable. 'Organise something' is so vague, it's almost as if you wanted the day to be a disappointment. My mum used to do this, I think subconsciously she wanted to be right about the day not being what she wanted.

Just chiming in to say I would NEVER say this to my mother. We don't always see eye to eye, but this is hurtful and disrespectful. Your DC need a kick up the arse, they are young adults and should be trying not to be arseholes.

I forgot my mum's birthday once. I was mid-breakup and moving my things out on that day - I apologised profusely and she understood that it was an emotional time. Other than that, my sibling and I always send cards/flowers/chocolates/coordinate on a gift. I live away so I ofter use things like Mailbakes or Bloom to send things literally to her door.

For her 40th, my dad took my mum to Amsterdam. I don't remember her 50th but for her 60th he (we all) organised a surprise birthday party & follow-up afternoon cream tea with the family.

I am not trying to show off or be mean - I think that if you have said "I would like a fuss for my birthday" and your nearest and dearest have ignored that, they are arseholes. "I don't know what you want" is not an excuse not to ask or not to have a stab at it, and your adult kids belittling you is shitty behaviour on their part. Sending you a big hug. xx

I think it sounds to me as though your marriage is in quite serious trouble if you're feeling this way and you need some urgent couples counselling. I'm not one to cry LTTB but something has gone quite badly wrong somewhere here and you need to fix it for your own benefit if not your family's.

It doesn't really matter what other people's expectations and customs are around birthdays, in a way it doesn't matter if in your mind a perfectly reasonable expectation for a milestone birthday is to be sipping champagne on a private jet whilst being showered with diamonds, or if you would have been overjoyed with tuppence ha'penny and an afternoon spent sitting in a wet ditch (as so many on MN apparently think is a great treat and you're a raging narc if you expect anything more 😂), the fact is you feel you communicated what you wanted to your DH (put aside the adult children for a second who will probably have followed their father's lead) and how important it was to you, you are assuming he heard and understood and yet you have such a low estimation of him you were dreading the day even beforehand and are now feeling despondent and despairing and totally unloved and uncared for. It. Is. Not. Healthy. Or. Normal. To. Feel. This. Way.

Best case scenario maybe there's been some kind of genuine miscommunication or misunderstanding, worst case he knew exactly what he was doing and intentionally did it to hurt you, more likely somewhere in between but the only way to get over it is to talk to him openly and honestly about what you're feeling, which seems like currently you can't do. You haven't answered my question about previous birthdays but sounds as though your expectations were already very low which implies this is a long standing problem? I really think you can't sit on this kind of resentment and feelings of neglect, it will turn you bitter or against yourself and neither are a recipe for long-term health and happiness...

Tbh, I think you have a you problem. You’ve built up one day to be all or nothing and got upset because people didn’t read your communication properly. Perhaps if you’d said to your dh It’s my 40th and I’d like to go away/go riding/sauna/spa, he might have found it easier to sort out. Or you could have discussed where you’d like to go and picked a city/hotel together. Do your family generally treat you well? Do you feel loved by your dh? If so, I suggest you chill and arrange something nice yourself which will make you feel good. If not, then you have a problem bigger than a birthday which you need to deal with.

You’ve posted in the wrong place because people here tend to think you should be grateful if your family even cast a vaguely hostile glance in your direction on your birthday.

But no YANBU at all. The fact you were evidently dreading it should have caused your family to step up and make it a special day for you. I am not seeing why anyone could think it was your fault for not having a positive attitude ffs 🙄

I also wouldn’t do tit for tat with your daughter by ignoring her next birthday without warning, but would have a talk with her well in advance - now, really - and warn her again several times in the run-up to her birthday that you’re going to match her energy this year because you were really hurt, she is an adult and she should be able to understand how she made you feel.

I think that's completely reasonable. I really don't understand other posters defending your DH and DDs, and minimising this. Of course everyone wants some special attention on their birthday, especially a big birthday.

Are birthdays a big thing in your family, or are birthdays a big thing with you?

If birthdays are really important to everyone, it seems strange, to say the least, they should have ignored yours like this.

If other people's birthdays are only a big thing because you are making them into one, it seems far easier to understand.

No, not everyone does at all. I understand a lot of people do. A lot of others really don't care.

I think the point is that the OP did want attention. It's not about yours or anyone else's ideas about birthdays, although it does seem to be turning into that.

Not everyone likes birthdays or a big fuss being made but surely what everyone wants and likes is for their nearest and dearest to take account of their (expressed) preferences, ideally all the time but definitely on special occasions. So if you're a birthday hater it would be equally hurtful if your DH made a huge fuss compared to if you're a birthday lover and you get ignored. I wish my DH liked birthdays more because I'd enjoy making a fuss of him and an excuse to celebrate, but I listen to him and put him first since it's his day so we do something like go out for a quiet meal in the evening. On my birthday we do more socialising and maybe go on an outing or see wider family because that's what I like. I think that's totally normal and a reasonable expectation within a loving relationship, isn't it?

The time to address not feeling you matter is not on your birthday. It’s sitting down and having a discussion. I make a fuss of my mum on her birthday, I can’t stand her so it’s just performative. It doesn’t mean anything.

the birthday is a red herring, my mum makes fuck all effort on my birthday, it’s nothing to do with my birthday specifically it’s just she’s self absorbed and makes no effort generally. If she did make effort I’d know it wasn’t meant.

its never about the thing you think it’s about. You think you are taken for granted and the lack of effort proves that.