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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Princess behaviour?

252 replies

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:23

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:57

I wanted a surprise because I am sick of arranging everything. Just for once I wanted someone else to do it.

OP posts:
WoodyOwl · 28/03/2025 10:57

No excuse for the Tesco bag. Buy a gift bag if you can't be bothered to wrap a gift (or look in the cupboard - I imagine almost everyone on the planet has a couple of gift bags tucked inside a cupboard from gifts they have been given and can reuse.

Aside from that, you had, presents, a cake, lunch out and a spa weekend. What else did you want?

MrsPinkSky · 28/03/2025 10:58

Presents
Cards
Cake
Lunch on a farm
A weekend spa day

I'd say you've celebrated your birthday pretty well.

If you're not feeling appreciated or like your family care about you, that's a completely separate issue that needs addressing.

ShriekingTrespasser · 28/03/2025 10:59

Your dds attitudes sound awful. How did they come to be so thoughtless around you?
I’m not surprised you’re hurt.
For a milestone birthday, I’d be happy with all my family at a celebratory meal so that birthday doesn’t sound like the best, although it’s not the worst either by a long shot.
It sounds like you’ve been undemanding all their lives when it comes to yourself so they now don’t see you as someone they need to put any effort in for.

Original poster
Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:59

NuffSaidSam · 28/03/2025 10:27

I think your DH was in an awkward position where he'd been asked to organise something, but also repeatedly told how difficult it would/how down you were etc. I can see why he might have thought keeping it low key was best.

What did you want him to organise? What would have been the best day he could have given you?

I was only down because he didn’t organise anything.

A picnic, a horse ride or something slightly different would have been more than enough. It just shows how little he cares.

OP posts:
lazycats · 28/03/2025 10:59

That is shit for a 40th but it’s a lesson to never assume anyone’s a mind-reader - if you had an idea of what you wanted you needed to articulate it.

Not too late to extend the celebration and organise a trip or day out of course.

Mylegishangingoff · 28/03/2025 11:00

I'd approach these things with more enthusiasm in future. It's my 40tj birthday next week and I wouldn't want dh to be dreading it because 'he knows it going to be difficult day'. You set the tone. Let's do something fun on my birthday, or I'd love to do this etc. Setting the tone of it's going to be difficult or mum moping around it's a lot. If I knew dh was going to 'difficult' on his birthday and then spend the day crying if I got it wrong I'd be disinclined to do something out of love and do it more out of fear tbh.

thepariscrimefiles · 28/03/2025 11:01

mrsmiggins78 · 28/03/2025 10:43

I don't mean to be brutal but I think it's time you grew up.

Yuck, my least favourite knee jerk response to a sad post, along with 'get a grip' and 'you sound like hard work'. Completely unhelpful and lacking empathy.

Mylegishangingoff · 28/03/2025 11:01

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:59

I was only down because he didn’t organise anything.

A picnic, a horse ride or something slightly different would have been more than enough. It just shows how little he cares.

Show quote history

You said he knew it was going to be a difficult day? Why did he know that if you weren't going into it with a poor attitude?

IllMet · 28/03/2025 11:01

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:59

I was only down because he didn’t organise anything.

A picnic, a horse ride or something slightly different would have been more than enough. It just shows how little he cares.

Show quote history

But you'd been telling him for months how much you were dreading it, long before it emerged he hadn't 'organised anything'!

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 28/03/2025 11:01

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:50

It was my dc that said I was a princess and spoilt, and I should be grateful they have got me something as they didn’t have to.
DD1 had said she would try and come, and then spent the day with her new boyfriend. It was hurtful.

That's horrible. I wouldn't have dared say anything like that to my mother, she and dad would have come down on me like a ton of bricks, and rightly so.

Your DH should be reading her the riot act for such a selfish nasty comment, or can't he be arsed about that either?

tansysmum · 28/03/2025 11:02

You are not being a diva or a princess. It's not expecting the earth to think that on your birthday your own immediate family will show they care. It doesn't have to be a big fanfare event, Breakfast in bed with a kiss and presents. Lunch or maybe an evening meal booked, nothing elaborate, but a bit of a treat. Perhaps a trip out somewhere - there are so many things DH could have come up with.

No excuse for handing over a present in a carrier bag. Who cares what's inside, it's the wrapping up and the message in the card that matter. They must have enjoyed doing that under your supervision when they were small children - what's changed?

I take it none of them are expecting much when their own birthdays come up

Daisyvodka · 28/03/2025 11:02

I can't believe that people on this thread think that saying to someone you've been married to for many years 'I'm feeling a little wobbly about the fact I don't have family to spend my birthday with, and as its a big one I'd like to do something nice' is confusing or not clear enough, and that it would then be reasonable for a partner to go 'hmm well im a bit daunted by this as they are feeling emotional about it, so I'll just play it safe' or 'well i can't think of anything so I'll just do nothing beyond the norm even though they've clearly communicated they want something different to the norm'

Is this actually serious?? All OPS husband had to do was go:
'darling, I've been thinking about your birthday and I was thinking we could go to xxx city, but i just wanted to check if that would be overwhelming considering the mixed feelings you've been having about your birthday, what do you think?'
Or
'I've been looking into what to do for your birthday and I want to make sure I get it right, were you thinking a day out in a city, or an overnight break, or a day at the seaside - what would you like to do?'
You know, put the bare miminum of effort in to communicate?
The bar is actually in HELL.

Mooselooseinmyhoose · 28/03/2025 11:03

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:57

I wanted a surprise because I am sick of arranging everything. Just for once I wanted someone else to do it.

I feel for you OP. I absolutely understand what it feels like to always make events special for others and never be the one who gets things made special for. It's a shitty feeling.

I know others have said well you got cards and presents and a cake but that's a standard birthday thing and this was a special birthday.

I think the question is, as others have said, is he usually shit at this stuff? If so you probably should have given him more direction. If he's usually good at it and messed up this time, tell him how you feel.

I'll raise a glass to your birthday this evening for you!

RaspberryBeretxx · 28/03/2025 11:04

In my opinion, YANBU. You communicated what you needed to your DH (in a home where you DO celebrate birthdays AND it was a milestone one) and he just... did nothing. DC are a separate issue but it seems like you might be the workhorse, reliable wife/mum appliance of the household who puts everyone else first and they're now uncomfortable that there has been a blip in that.

You've done what people criticise women for not doing - you've communicated clearly and calmly what you needed and DH just ignored it. So many options available. If he had said that he couldn't think of anything then at least you could have made other plans.

What have you done for his big birthdays and how would he react if you put the same amount of effort in that he has this year?

And I'm not a big birthday person at all. But if DP said he was feeling down and needed something planned for the day, I'd at least try and plan something in advance. I don't think it's about the total that you "got" (spa weekend, presents, cake etc), it's about needing to have plans on the day which you communicated clearly.

Oh and happy belated birthday! 💐

NuffSaidSam · 28/03/2025 11:04

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:59

I was only down because he didn’t organise anything.

A picnic, a horse ride or something slightly different would have been more than enough. It just shows how little he cares.

Show quote history

That's not quite true. In your OP you say

*I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day*

So, you felt down before he didn't organise anything. You'd flagged to him that the day would be difficult way in advance.

A horse ride and a picnic sounds lovely. Do you think he had a reasonable chance of guessing that? Perhaps if you'd said "I want to have a horse ride and a picnic, you sort it" he would have done better?

If this is part of a wider pattern of him not caring then ignore the birthday specifically and have a think about life with him in general and whether that's making you happy. If it isn't, forty is a great age to start again! Your kids are grown, time to focus on you now.

Beautifulbouquet · 28/03/2025 11:05

And this was weeks ago??

And yet with all happening in the world what upsets you most is only having presents, a spa weekend, a lunch out and presents?

Weeks later.

LlynTegid · 28/03/2025 11:05

I think milestone birthdays are a nonsense. However, I would not promise or agree to do something for a birthday of someone else and then do little or nothing.

CheeseyOnionPie · 28/03/2025 11:05

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:36

I am sorry I don’t think I made myself clear.

I was only upset because nothing was done, not because I would have been upset anyway.

I had asked him to organise something nice. His answer has been that he couldn’t really think of anything. I was upset because so little effort was made.

Cool. Maybe you have the same problems thinking of something for his birthday.

If your adult DC couldn’t wrap a gift then they are just being selfish. Do the same on their birthdays too.

SleepingisanArt · 28/03/2025 11:08

I'm sorry you feel that your 'milestone' birthday was a letdown. However to me it sounds as though birthdays are a big deal in your family because you make them a big deal.

In our house birthdays for the children were always a big deal and when they were little they were taken shopping to choose a card and gift for mummy or daddy for their birthday. Nowdays adult dc do their own thing with their friends for their birthdays (we send cards and gifts) and they send cards and gifts on our birthdays. DH and i used to go out for a nice lunch on or around the date of our birthdays (depending on work) but now we just cook a special meal at home and have cake. I do feel that birthdays are what you make them and you can't be disappointed when an effort has been made but maybe not to the level you expected. A new boyfriend always trumps a parent because the boyfriend might disappear but the parent remains a constant - you are taken for granted because you did a good job raising your children who know you will be there when you need them.

Epidote · 28/03/2025 11:09

I can't care less about my birthday or other adults birthdays. For me is just a day. For you is not, so I think that he did little or no effort if he knew you were going to be happier having a celebration.
Any small thing counts even a small meal, flowers, something that requires some planning and is not in the ordinary daily life

Nottodaythankyou123 · 28/03/2025 11:10

Laststraw25 · 28/03/2025 10:50

It was my dc that said I was a princess and spoilt, and I should be grateful they have got me something as they didn’t have to.
DD1 had said she would try and come, and then spent the day with her new boyfriend. It was hurtful.

Well now you know how much effort to make on their birthday.

If it makes you feel better, I could be a bit of a brat even at 19; now I’ve had my kids and reached the grand old age of 30 I’ve realised fully how much my mum did for us and apologised for being bratty! Sometimes teens can be far too self absorbed for their own good 😬

TabloidFootprints · 28/03/2025 11:12

On the one hand, if I want something done for my birthday I arrange it myself - I had a party for my 21st, 30th, 40th and 50ths and neither my parents (for 21) nor DH (for the others) had any input, I booked the venue, invited the people etc. Other birthdays I have said "we are having a picnic", "we are going for a walk", "we are going to X restaurant, please book it DH". It never really occurs to me not to do that, I wouldn't want a surprise.

On the other hand, if I specifically told DH I wanted him to arrange something I am sure he would (although I think he would find it stressful guessing what I might like and would probably ask me what I wanted him to do). And if it was a big birthday I would expect my kids to be there unless they had prior engagements and I absolutely would not accept my children talking to me like that.

Sunshineboo · 28/03/2025 11:12

show them the effort they made for
your day for their days.

if they don't care then you know you can relax going forward

if they do, firmly remind them of what they did to you.

your kids are old enough to learn this lesson

MrsSunshine2b · 28/03/2025 11:12

On the surface of it, yes, you are. The day was acknowledged with gifts, cards, cake and a meal out. You're also having a spa weekend.

However, I am wondering if this is actually about a wider sense of feeling unloved and unappreciated, especially since both your children are newly minted adults and your job as mother is effectively done.

It's a futile exercise to try to teach your kids to be appreciative of you now, they are both too old and too young. Wait until they are 25 or have their own kids.