Princess behaviour?

[Laststraw25]

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

So you are taken for granted by your whole family and when you point out how this makes you feel, you are a spoilt princess?

OK, thats the end of birthdays then. A giftm a card, no fuss. And when they, in turn, kick off ask why they are being so spoilt. "If you cant be bothered with my birthday, why should I be bothered about yours?" They are all old enough to understand that actions have consequences.

When I was 30 my exH decided that the best surprise for me was......a trip to B&Q to pick up "my" new lawnmower. I am to gardening what Delia Smith is to space travel. Why was he getting me a lawnmower? "Because we need one". It didnt end well.

ETA and the comments about you being a spoilt princess are because they KNOW they should/could have done more so they are angry with you for making them feel bad about it. Not because you are being demanding.

You do seem to have set him up to fail, with all your 'dreading it, difficult day, have no family' stuff for months before, then expecting him to magic up something you'd like with no hint as to what that might be.

I'd probably have interpreted that as 'low key with cake and a nice lunch out' in your DH's position - nothing to upset you or make you feel conscious of not having wider family. (Not to mention the fairly insulting 'no family to celebrate with' - what's he, chopped liver?)

Cake, gifts, a meal out, a spa weekend with friends to look forward to... these sound pretty good to me.

Fretting about it weeks later is pretty unhealthy and indicates there's more going on here than a birthday.

Yes it’s exactly that. 364 days a year I do a million thankless jobs for everyone. Too many to mention, and I am not especially expectant of anything special for a normal birthday, but just for once I would have liked one day that I didn’t organise from start to finish, pay for and do all the admin. I am tired, I am unwell. I would have like some thought and consideration. That’s all. Nothing expensive or particularly out there. I used a picnic anc horse riding as an example only. It’s left me feeling pretty worthless and empty.

It is not about the money spent, it is about the thought. That they cared enough to do something just for me. For one single day in ten years.

What million thankless jobs are you doing for three adults, 364 days a year?

I agree with you that they ARE angry for me saying I am sad. I feel let down. I might be making them feel bad, but it was their choice.

Maybe you don’t have teenagers.

Um, you don't either.... They're adults?

If my plan for my DWs 40th was a present cake and a last minute lunch reservation, I’d be single soon after! DW is considering a safari holiday or depending if we have an old enough child by then Disneyworld for her 40th.

For my 30th we went to Reykjavik to see the northern lights. DW 30th was more low key, which I regret now, and we went to see Hamilton, dinner up the shard and a weekend in London.

Thats not going to be the norm for many people as we haven’t had kids yet and maybe our perspective will change when we have them. But birthdays are important in our house and I’d ignore anyone that says it’s princess behaviour to expect a bit of effort from people who are supposed to love you!

Maybe they try not to make a big hoo-haw about your birthday specifically because they know it is enmeshed in some complicated emotional backstory for you.

Honestly this is probably tougher on them than it is you. My mother was the same about Christmas. It has "always" been a disappointment for her so the day was for the rest of us, always fraught and she'd be on the edge of some kind of emotional melt down the entire time. Growing up with that stank, but I've always made sure that my family makes our own kind of Christmas, without the backstory.

Maybe you can re-invision how you'd like your birthdays to be celebrated and just do something small each year, like everyone has breakfast with you that day at home or a local hotel, it doesn't have to be an all day event, just a quick gathering to celebrate?

Why, because she wants to be treated like she matters to her family? Your bar must be very low.

Before I read this I was going to ask ‘have you always done everything for everyone and put yourself last?’

This is what a lot of mothers do and the message it gives is counterintuitive. Unfortunately it doesn’t convey that you are brilliant at loving and cherishing your family (even though you are), it is that you are not as important as everyone else. If you are always the perfect servant it breeds a level of expectation and selfishness around others (unless they are particularly empathetic or emotionally intelligent).

I would let them all know that you’re disappointed at the lack of effort and stop doing so much for them all. Expect a bit of reciprocal respect in future.

You say "we make a big deal of birthdays as a family", but in fact your DDs are more or less adults, and maybe they've decided that they're not the kind of people who make a big fuss about birthdays. Fair enough, that's their prerogative.

If you're doing too much domestic work for all of them, that's a totally different issue. But guilting them out over your birthday isn't going to help with that at all.

Yep, agreed. You teach people how to treat you. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. Doing nice things for people all the time can actually make them dislike you, because they wonder if they have to reciprocate, or they grow to expect it out of you. Ask for what you want, and don't brook any poor treatment from your kids or husband. Don't people please.

My DH and I go for a secret weekend for my birthday every year. He picks a mystery location, I get picked up, and off we go...I'm packing for it right now, as he will be home in acouple hours. Why? I suggested it a number of years ago...said it would make me feel special on my birthday, and he said, that's fine. I'm happy to do that. We always have a nice time.

It is usually is a weekend in a UK hotel or pub and some nice dinners, and taking hikes around the country, which is nice. It isn't that hard to organise stuff like this.

I also get him a gift on his birthday, and this year, we are going to the Netherlands for it for a holiday because he asked me.

Ask directly for what you want, and stand up for yourself.

Enjoy your secret birthday!

I’m not great at organising stuff, it’s usually my DH who does the organising if we go out. He’s just had a landmark birthday and asked me to organise something, so I did. I ran the ideas by him, and asked what type of food he’d prefer for eating out, but I did the investigating locations and timings and such. I bought theatre tickets and we had a nice meal out in a lovely location with the food type he asked for. I also planned a small family party on the day.

Saying he couldn’t think of anything is a shit excuse. He could have asked you for suggestions and done the leg work of researching and booking. I’d feel very let down in your position.

" I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it"

I think that's a really unfair position to put someone in with so little instruction.

You are 40, you've raised the children and put at least 2 decades in of unrequited effort into this family, drop the rope and live your life they way that suits you and no one else, selfish gits.

I'm sorry OP, its horrible to feel like no one cares. I'd return the same energy on their birthdays, be more selfish, stop doing all these thankless jobs for them, they're all adults. What happened for your husbands 40th?

Yes... you make a good point, which is confusing because op said they celebrate adult bdays.. so are they not hard every year or did it become hard this year.. what changed , especially on a 40th ?

I just don’t understand why this is so unfair? If my DH said this to me i’d say “okay, what kind of thing are you thinking?” if he said “surprise me” i’d push him on whether he meant big or small, just us or loads of friends, and once i had my answers id get on planning it in order to make the day as nice as possible for him. why could her dh not just do that? it’s hardly rocket science

i bet you anything the daughters expect way more than they did for their mother, when it comes to their birthdays

I don't get the appeal of surprise anything personally.

For my 40th I did a few things mostly suggested by me BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. My husband and I went to a nice dinner out in the city and to watch cirque de soliel. With friends I did drinks and dinner. With family (kids) we had a meal at home.

I think asking someone to surprise you is asking to be let down, very few people are really good at guessing what someone else will enjoy.

Perhaps he's tried and failed so many times in the past that it's just not worth bothering any more. That's my guess. Anyone who still is ruminating about a Tesco bag weeks later is likely not easy to please.

i don’t think there’s anything in her posts to suggest she has a history of being hard to please. she’s upset about this particular birthday, because it was a big one and she’d specifically asked for it to be made special and it wasn’t. she doesn’t mention past birthdays being disappointing

Have you said all this to your husband?