Princess behaviour?

[Laststraw25]

I need your perspective about this as I really can’t tell if I am being completely unreasonable and too demanding.

I know sometimes on MN we see that some believe birthdays are for children, but in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had a milestone birthday a few weeks ago. I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

I had said to dh how I felt for the last few months. He knew it was going to be a difficult day, fast forward to the day and it became apparent that nothing beyond some presents and cards was arranged. I had a cake in the evening and that’s it. My dd gave me a present in a Tesco shopping bag not even wrapped and many of my friends forgot (although some did remember) and it felt like a wash out. We had lunch on a farm, booked last minute in the end.

I organised a weekend spa day with some girl friends for the weekend after which was nice.

I just feel so let down. I spent most of the day crying, and have felt quite depressed since.

Am I expecting too much for one of my family to organise something for me on the day? It was my 40th. Maybe I am being too demanding?

Thanks

I don't think its a mixed message at all, in fact a VERY clear one.

I'm in the same position apart from DH and the kids I basically have no family left, my friends all live far away, I don't get out much due to my health issues and life is pretty dull just alone most the time. Saying that you want to do something to distract from the utter boredom and loneliness of being alone every other day is NOT a mixed message. It's in fact very precise and yet common sense should bloody tell them that without them having to be told anyway.

How on earth could making it clear well in advance that you want to organise and do something because you absoloutly dread being left alone mixed as 'I'm sad so leave me alone and don't do anything'... it simply not and only an idiot would take it that way, so pretty shocking so many manage to do that.

But @NoctuaAthene

The fact is that she didn’t communicate. Telling someone “surprise me” when one has already and rep voiced dread and sorrow about the day is truly unfair. It’s lose-lose for the DH and no doubt he knew it.

The OP’s feelings of bereavement are understandable but fixing that is not her family’s problem. Any therapist would tell her that we each are responsible for managing our own emotions. Putting unrealistic expectations on her family and expecting them to be mind readers is unfair.

Honestly, it is so childish to expect people to figure out what you would like and arrange it all for you in secret. Literally it’s something I do for my kids to make them happy.

DH and I barely bother with our birthdays, but his is coming up and he’s said he’d like to do this particular experience for it. I’m now organising that for the two of us, and while it’s not entirely my cup of tea, we’ll have a blast doing it together.

Just TELL people what you want from them and you’ll be a lot happier!

And she got presents, cards, a meal out. What did she want, speeches? A military flyover?

They do sound quite selfish. Young people of around your daughters age can be quite self centred and wrapped up in themselves, so that might be why they didn't make much effort, but there is no excuse for your husband not making an effort.

Next year if you can, arrange something on the day of your birthday with friends, or even on your own, and do not even mention to them that it's your birthday.

Oh, and make sure you make as little effort for your husbands next birthday as he did for yours.

I will say that your daughters sound awful.

My kids usually complain that I don't do enough!

I'm sorry you were so disappointed but you seemed to have decided in advance it was going to be awful. If your family arnt good at planning and organising then you need to at least give suggestions or say to your husband my birthday is next week is my day out/presents all sorted. I know its very hard being the family planner and you just want to get back the same effort you put in for others. I'm in a similar position of being the organiser of everything and it can be tedious when it comes to a life event of my own. I just make sure I'm crystal clear with what I want and expect.

Yes I would be upset too, for a 40th as it is a big milestone.
I usually have to organise my own birthday though and make everyone come to it 😂

You can't assert as a fact that she didn't communicate what she wanted. We don't know, we weren't there and we're not inside her DH's head to know what he heard. She has said she feels she communicated quite clearly, maybe her husband and DDs think she wasn't very clear and they thought this was what she wanted. Maybe she's right, maybe he is. Either way what we do know is the net result is she's feeling the way she's feeling which isn't right or healthy.

It's probably not that helpful to engage in a blame game at this stage and certainly I don't think all the comments of 'well I got 2 bin bags and a roll of toilet paper for my last birthday and I was delighted, you sound spoiled OP' are particularly useful - like you say she needs to own her feelings and sort it out with her DH and likewise if her DH feels as though she isn't clear about her feelings or he can't win then he needs to say so and try and work out how to make it work so he isn't stuck with all the blame and feelings of disappointment in future...

Some people are just useless with this sort of stuff. I'm not saying that is good enough but you can't really change other people so if most things are OK then you kind of have to lump it.

My husband wouldn't have a clue if I asked him to organise a surprise. I learnt that quite early on in our relationship. He would get birthday presents for me and we'd go out to dinner but nothing different/special. Heb isn't very imaginative and also isn't keen on surprises and grand gestures himself so it really doesn't occur to him to do that.

When we got engaged he bought me a lovely ring but never actually proposed - his point was that we had already discussed and agreed on marriage so surely it wasn't necessary. I suppose that is true! For my 30th he booked and paid for us to go to Barcelona for a few days but I had suggested it and sent him the links. I would LOVE it if one day he handed me my passport and a boarding pass and told me we were off on a surprise (as I've done for him) but it won't happen.

My 40th my two best friends and husband organised a surprise party which was lovely but I strongly suspect that the friends instigated it (as I had just had a new baby and they knew i want up to planning my own party) and he paid for it and did jobs they allocated him.

My 50th was last year and I organised and paid for my own party, birthday dinner with our friends and a short holiday for us and our youngest. I knew it wouldn't happen otherwise and at least this way I got exactly the celebrations I wanted. I am the main earner though, which I appreciate simplifies things because I can afford to throw money at the issue.

I can live with it because he's great in lots of other ways including doing all the laundry, most of the cooking and more. I never doubt his loyalty and fidelity. Also I've seen several friends whose husbands did the big romantic gestures thing but turned out to be disloyal in other more fundamental ways (infidelity etc).

Sorry I know it probably doesn't help much and I think you do deserve special treatment on your birthday but we have limited control over other people, especially those lacking in imagination.

100% princess behaviour. You went for lunch, had a birthday cake, cards, presents and a weekend away what more could you possibly had wanted!!!

Does he actually not care? Is this just the last straw in a whole haystack of not caring? Because if so, you have bigger problems than the birthday.

If he actually does care but the birthday was a huge disappointment, you need to talk to him and explain why. Even if he genuinely couldn’t think of anything, he could have talked to you a few weeks before and said he was struggling for ideas, so maybe you could have given him some things to choose from.

For your DC, again, you could have a word and say that you felt let down, that they hadn’t made a bit more of an effort for a special birthday. Tell them they are old enough to think about these things for themselves and consider how other people feel.

Make it clear to them all that you are feeling unappreciated and not cared about and that you would like some action to be taken. Ball in their court.

I did that with my partner, he didn't notice, he'd forgotten his own birthday he'd do that every year if I set didn't remind him.

I'd expect to be taken on holiday somewhere nice for a milestone birthday.

If I was more of a people person, perhaps a big surprise party with all my friends and family.

I had a friend who got her dream concert tickets for her birthday. This could also work for great seats at a theatre show.

It's not that hard to make it special.

Presents and a meal out are a very regular occurrence in our house so not considered anything special (we don't do cards at all).

But I would tell my partner exactly what I wanted, if I left him to arrange "something special" for my birthday then I'd probably end up with cake and a takeaway instead of a luxury hotel in Barcelona.

in our family we do celebrate them with a lot of effort and time for both adults and children.

I had asked my dh to plan something as I was dreading it. I don’t have any family except for one long distance aunt. I find birthdays hard because it emphasises the feelings I have about being alone, and also because I had some really miserable birthdays in the past.

These two things seem rather at odds with each other. You say birthdays are a big thing in your family, but then say you don't have any family and you find birthdays hard because you have had really miserable ones in the past?

So who is it in your family that makes lots of effort?

I get you, we always do the usual present cake etc so that’s standard.

I planned and booked a meal and an activity for my partners birthday

yet for mine he didn’t arrange anything

That's fine. But you said "everyone wants some special attention on their birthday", which is also immaterial to whether the OP does, and isn't true.

Agree with everything @honeylulu has said.

You can't expect people to be mind readers. Did your DH know you wanted to go horse riding OP??? Because that seems like a very specific (and unusual) thing to want to do on your birthday?

You got presents, a cake, cards, a meal out, a spa day.... That's a pretty decent birthday in my book??? I've read some posts on here where people get absolutely fuck all!!! Not even a happy birthday!

The only thing I would say is not great is your kids attitude.

Just match everyone's effort on their birthdays if you want them to know how you feel

Again, not arguing with that. I am just saying that it's not true that "everybody wants some special attention on their birthday".

Same here. My DH genuinely couldn't care less about his birthday. He hates a fuss and his worst nightmare would be for me to organise any sort of surprise that made him the centre of attention. He's happy with a present (something that he needs) and a nice meal / takeaway but he wouldn't even be bothered if there was no present!

Everyone is different.

And to add, sorry - I think it's actully part of the problem, generally and not necessarily in the OP's case, that people who do like a fuss made on their bithday assume everyone does, and then react when nothing happens with "Well, surely people ought to know! Everyone wants to be special on their birthday!" when in fact no, a lot of us don't, and won't know you do unless you say something.

Personaly I'm far happier when people acknowledge me when I've actually done something worthwhile, useful or challenging; I'm not in the least bothered with being celebrated for having gone another year without dying.

Horse riding apparently 😂

Your children sound delightful!

I don’t think you’re being too demanding by hoping for a bit of a fuss BUT I do always find, and this is always the way with my friends/family that people simply organise their own birthday celebration.
With my friends, the birthday girl always organises a meal or a few drinks out, and people bring cards/gifts. I’ll be very honest and say without this, I probably wouldn’t remember every single friends bday.
Same within my family, usually a Sunday dinner or bbq is organised the week of someone’s birthday. But again, it’s always the birthday persons responsibility to coral everyone and get it organised.
With ny boyfriend, we always book each others birthdays off work and plan a a nice activity together.

I agree about your mixed messages. You wanted something organised, but also said your were dreading it.

I guess he could have asked you to to be more specific about what you wanted, but you could also not expect him to guess what you wanted.