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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband changing mind about DD left at home

261 replies

Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 19:42

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

OP posts:
Qwertyme · 27/03/2025 19:45

Has he just finished watching adolescence?

Octavia64 · 27/03/2025 19:45

At 11 she’s fine to be left. Especially as you have worked up to it and there have been no problems.

Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 19:50

Qwertyme · 27/03/2025 19:45

Has he just finished watching adolescence?

We have watched one episode so far

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 27/03/2025 19:50

Something has obviously made him think twice about leaving her alone if it can be avoided. Its best to have a proper conversation about it with him.

Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 19:52

Octavia64 · 27/03/2025 19:45

At 11 she’s fine to be left. Especially as you have worked up to it and there have been no problems.

This is also my feeling too but he’s suddenly out of nowhere completely against it.

He’s always been a bit of a helicopter parent, hated the idea of them doing anything he perceived to be ‘dangerous’ whereas I’m much more relaxed. But he’s never had a problem seemingly up until Tuesday

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 27/03/2025 19:57

Has his mum/sister said anything to him about DD being home alone? At 11 I went to fetch my brother from nursery, took him home, gave him a snack and waited for my mum to come home from work. I'm not traumatised and quite liked the responsability. My DS 11 takes the regular bus home from school and can be left alone without a problem. I wouldn't trust him taking care of a toddler though 😄

greenflower1 · 27/03/2025 19:58

She’s at home which is probably the safest place for her to be alone. Like you pointed out, soon she’ll be having to get herself to and from school by herself, and he’s just setting her up to be a mollycoddled unconfident kid. My year six child is sometimes home for 2-3 hours by himself, We built it up overtime. I have a Ring camera he has a phone and we have an Alexa so there’s multiple ways for him to contact me. Can you do similar? Run through what to do in an emergency, e.g a neighbour she can go to. Get air fryer so or let her use the microwave if she needs to make food, so she’s not using the whole oven. My kid makes fishfingers and chips or a pot noodle or something.

Dramatic · 27/03/2025 19:59

Try and have a calm conversation with him about it and ask what it is that's suddenly made him feel this way. But no it's not unreasonable to leave an 11yo for a couple of hours, especially when you've built the time up gradually over time.

SpringIsSpringing25 · 27/03/2025 20:02

He's being ridiculous.

But you're gonna have to sit down and have a proper conversation with them whilst trying not to call him ridiculous. That'll be tough.

Carouselfish · 27/03/2025 20:13

I'm kind of on his side. I also wouldn't like a year 7 doing the same route regularly, twice a day alone to school. But I'm quite worst-case-scenario focused.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/03/2025 20:15

Has he mentioned it to someone and they've freaked out? A colleague or something?

Or perhaps a convo not about your specific circs where someone has expressed strong opinions and it's made him doubt your (plural) decisions? It's the 'neglectful' bit coming out of nowhere that makes me think someone else has said that to him.

It's a hell of an about face if there's no external influence.

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 20:16

It sounds like you think he's got worked up becuase of the situation on tuesday? Which I can totally see being the case. But he is being completely ridiculous. Never mind anything else, to dial back on independence when, so far, your DD has done nothing to suggest she is not capable enough or responsible enough is hugely damaging to her. He needs to rein it right in and get over this little strop.

SunsetCocktails · 27/03/2025 20:21

Carouselfish · 27/03/2025 20:13

I'm kind of on his side. I also wouldn't like a year 7 doing the same route regularly, twice a day alone to school. But I'm quite worst-case-scenario focused.

How else would your year 7 be getting to school, but the same route, there and back, every day?!

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 27/03/2025 20:23

I have a DC the same age who also comes home from school alone some days of the week.

I don't always leave him even when I can as I don't want to do it too much. There is a balance to be had of how much I leave him.

I can't articulate it properly but I also don't want him to always get to stay home just because a task is boring or not for his benefit. I want him to learn sometimes he has to fit in with the rest of the family or come to the supermarket and help even if it's boring.

LumpyandBumps · 27/03/2025 20:23

What’s his solution?

faerietales · 27/03/2025 20:24

He's being ridiculous and will damage his relationship with his DD if he carries on the way he is.

faerietales · 27/03/2025 20:26

I can't articulate it properly but I also don't want him to always get to stay home just because a task is boring or not for his benefit. I want him to learn sometimes he has to fit in with the rest of the family or come to the supermarket and help even if it's boring.

Why, though? I genuinely don't understand the point of it.

Jessica5678 · 27/03/2025 20:38

Are you certain your DD is still happy and confident to be at home alone, wouldn’t prefer to be with a parent and hasn’t confided this in him? I have a similarly aged child and we reduced the time they spent home alone after they admitted they actually didn’t like it and felt anxious and lonely if it was more than half an hour or so.

I also feel similarly to previous poster about children not always being left at home to avoid anything they might perceive as boring - how do they ever learn to do a supermarket shop, deposit money at the bank etc otherwise? I don’t always make them come and keep me company, but sometimes I think it’s good for them to realise life doesn’t consist entirely of things that are fun or for your benefit and that you can’t opt out of everything you don’t like so you can maximise online gaming time!

Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 20:44

To answer some questions. I have no idea if someone’s said something about it. I’ll have to try and ask him but I also don’t think he’d ever admit that he’s changed his mind because someone else told him it was wrong.

@greenflower1 she has a phone at home and a ring doorbell and an Alexa. So she can contact us easily. She knows how to work the microwave and can make some basic food if she needs to.

@Carouselfish there isn’t another way to get to and from high school come September so she will be taking herself the same route. I think that’s the same for most kids once they start secondary

OP posts:
Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 20:46

Jessica5678 · 27/03/2025 20:38

Are you certain your DD is still happy and confident to be at home alone, wouldn’t prefer to be with a parent and hasn’t confided this in him? I have a similarly aged child and we reduced the time they spent home alone after they admitted they actually didn’t like it and felt anxious and lonely if it was more than half an hour or so.

I also feel similarly to previous poster about children not always being left at home to avoid anything they might perceive as boring - how do they ever learn to do a supermarket shop, deposit money at the bank etc otherwise? I don’t always make them come and keep me company, but sometimes I think it’s good for them to realise life doesn’t consist entirely of things that are fun or for your benefit and that you can’t opt out of everything you don’t like so you can maximise online gaming time!

She’s not indicated to me that she doesn’t want to stay at home and I asked if she wanted to come to the shop and she said no. So if she was worried she would have had the opportunity to say yes she wanted to come.

She doesn’t always get left. If we’re going out for a longer period I make her come and I also take her if I’m taking her siblings because they get jealous she can stay home and they can’t and it saves arguments

OP posts:
Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/03/2025 20:47

I have a child in y5 and pick her up at the door and take her to the school door i only leave her when her older sister is home. I think your husband is right.

Original poster
Gymmum82 · 27/03/2025 20:49

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/03/2025 20:47

I have a child in y5 and pick her up at the door and take her to the school door i only leave her when her older sister is home. I think your husband is right.

She’s not in year 5. She’s half way through year 6. Starting high school in September

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/03/2025 20:55

What you're currently doing is fine, even the little hiccups like earlier on in the week, you know as an adult things like this happen. She's proven she is comfortable and capable, she made a good judgement call by her decision to go with her younger siblings, she didn't panic or wander about in a park alone.
These are the ages she needs to build up her confidence, nothing inappropriate about it.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 27/03/2025 21:12

faerietales · 27/03/2025 20:26

I can't articulate it properly but I also don't want him to always get to stay home just because a task is boring or not for his benefit. I want him to learn sometimes he has to fit in with the rest of the family or come to the supermarket and help even if it's boring.

Why, though? I genuinely don't understand the point of it.

In my case I want him to learn he can't always only do the fun outings and life is also about helping do boring parts of family life too.

I'm happy to leave him a lot of the time too. (And probably more than my original answer implied). I don't bore him or make him pick the hard choice every time. 😄.

I do think it's good they get some independence as they approach secondary school.

CillaDog · 27/03/2025 22:53

For me personally it’s very young to be left alone for that amount of time repeatedly, but that’s my personal opinion.

If it works for your family and your daughter is happy, then fair enough I suppose. As long as you’ve done all the risk assessments and safety plans with your LO. However if your partner isn’t happy, it’s worth sitting down and discussing and getting to the root of why he’s suddenly worried and how you guys can manage those feelings.