Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

Up until recently I would have agreed. I only worked 2 days per week. But unfortunately it became no longer affordable and I had to return full time at the end of last year. Not everyone can afford to work part time and not everyone can work flexible jobs. Yes it would be lovely if the kids could come first in all circumstances. But I feel it’s more important to be able to keep their home and feed them

I honestly feel like I live in an alternate universe sometimes because I don’t do even half of the tasks that people list as essential on here on any kind of regular basis, lol.

I also kind of think if your child hasn’t grasped the basics of life and these tasks by 11 then there’s something pretty wrong. At that age I could do the shops on my own and buy food, or go out with friends, try on and buy clothes without any guidance from my parents.

If an 11yo still needs to accompany mum to learn how to do such basic tasks then I’d be pretty concerned really. And if they do know how to do them then why insist they get dragged along for no reason?

I also think your DH has heard all the coverage of Adolescence and (maybe quite rightly) sees things differently now.
I don’t think half an hour here and there is too much of a problem and I know you say that both you and your DH can’t be flexible around work but I think leaving an 11 year old to lock the house up and get themselves to school 2 miles away isn’t really ok. Will she have friends that she’ll be able to walk with?

So what would you do in OP’s situation? There’s no childcare, her parents have to work and there’s no school bus.

I have a dd the same age although is yr 7 already. I'm comfortable leaving her, but wouldn't do so repeatedly. It adds up to a lot of time alone if after school and then for clubs.

😂😂😂😂😂

What do you think pretty much every high school student around the world does?!?!

Eh? No she didn't, what are you on about!

She's unlikely to be alone. She'll almost certainly walk with friends And why would anyone focus on her routine when there are probably 1,000 other kids also walking to and from that same school at that time of day?

Managing risk isn’t about eliminating all risk. I think you need to properly discuss this with DH. Yes, something awful could happen if you leave her home alone.

But something awful WILL happen if you don’t give her carefully managed independence: she will grow up into a young adult with no sense of self-preservation or ability to deal with risks herself, when you can’t be there to protect her.

I am in my late 60s, had 3 children and would not have left them to walk that far to school every day.

My DD is Y6 but summer born. At the moment we are too far from school for her to walk home. Our compromise is she walks up with friends to a meeting point with me on the 2 days I collect her. I've started popping to shops for 20 mins at a time and will build this up. She will be walking to school in y7 and no wrap around care so she will be alone at home 2 morning and afternoons a week.

I have no other choice.

Where has this ‘all weathers’ come from? It’s not like we live in a country that has dangerous weather on a regular basis, are children not supposed to be outside unless the weather is deemed perfect, is it dangerous for them to get wet?

Stranger danger is obviously a small issue, but children are much more vulnerable around people that are known to them. You have to teach your children about risk and how to mitigate it, wrapping them up in cotton wool merely makes them frightened and anxious and unable to deal with life. It’s really not helpful.

4 miles a day is nothing to a healthy child of that age.

@ByPearlSnail

so what do you suggest Op and her husband do exactly?

But children don’t need to come first in all circumstances, they’re not made of glass.

FWIW you sound like a great parent who will have independent, resilient children, and that can only be a good thing.

You lack imagination then!
An 11 year child should be more than capable of walking 2 miles. Round here, the two secondary schools are both 2 miles from one end of the village. The kids all meet up gradually into groups and walk to school. They are not going on their own. The streets are well lit and there is a foot/cycle path from this village to the next, where one of the schools is.

Cars on roads doing walkable distances has an enormous environmental impact.

So could I, but I still wasn't allowed to entirely opt out of doing things for the family.

Because the lesson is that you do things for your household. Regardless of whether it's interesting or deemed essential by you. You are involved in the running of your household.

Yep same round here. And same when I was at school. The only time my mum ever dropped me off was if I was running really late or if she was passing the school. Otherwise yep, I walked the same 1-1.5 mile route every single day (collecting friends on the way!) for 5 years.

I wonder if your DH has picked up the conversations around Adolescence and is worried about the ‘internet babysitter’ you are leaving your DD with.

At home as in locked in a house - fine. At home as roaming streets doing chores - not fine for obvious reasons.

Loads of kids do it where I live. It's a mainly rural area, secondary schools are few and far between, so have large catchment areas, and public transport is practically non-existent. The LEA only provides transport if the distance is over three miles.

For a fair few, the walk to school involves country lanes with no pavements or street lighting, although the latter is only an issue if they've had an after-school activity or something.

I was 9 when I first walked to school on my own (my DM had just had a baby). It was only a mile, but it included walking across a large park and across two main roads (admittedly, this was in the 1960s, so the roads were nowhere near as busy as they are now). In my last term at primary, we were living 6 miles away and I used to get two buses, into town and out again, when I was 10.

I'd be guided by your child, OP. If she and you are comfortable with it, I think it's fine. And maybe get a key safe, so it doesn't matter if she forgets her key.

The “bUt tHe wEaThEr” discourse is sending me. Round here, the tweens and teens have decided tights are, like, so uncool so even in minus conditions or horizontal rain they march to school shivering and determined with their bare legs; accessorised also with unzipped jackets because doing up your coat is also tragic. DD5 all bundled up plus mittens and snood and leg warmers marvels at them as we scurry by. OP’s eleven-year-old will be fine!

If you drop your DD halfway, how is that any better if it is “hacking down”? She would get just as wet on the second half of the journey!

Honestly the posters banging on about bad weather are being a bit silly - kids should be going to school in coats and waterproof shoes. We live in the UK, we can’t expect to be driven everywhere any time it rains!

Sorry this was meant to be a reply to Itsawildridealright

I cannot imagine leaving my dd11 to walk 2 miles x 2 daily, in all weathers. Literally cannot imagine it.

😂

There is nowhere to put coats in most Secondary schools