Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

Abusive is the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen on this frankly confusing thread. There are 800 children at my daughter’s high school and possibly 20 cars at drop off. Everyone else makes their own way there by walking or biking or on the bus. Even if I wanted to walk her in (and she’d let me lol!), I’m busy walking her brother to school a mile in the other direction so couldn’t anyway. It is absolutely expected that children make their own way. Next week she has an appointment and I’m at work so she’ll leave school, walk a mile up the road to the appointment and then go back to school after. This is not abusive at all.

My son is 8 and is transitioning to walking himself to school now. It’s just over a mile and we are on the edge of the catchment so not a lot of kids for the first little while. He will be fine.

We have made similar changes, which has cost us career progression and means we're stuck in our current jobs. But I appreciate for some professions it's trickier to find those flexible roles.

Re: the key situation which triggered this rethink, have you considered a key safe? No worries about losing or forgetting the key and handy for other family members too.

Re: the walk. There’s a few things to break down. Coming home. I’d be fine with that. Going less so. Two reasons; knowing when to leave and not getting distracted and locking the house up securely. The distance and weather are factors too. Councils expect kids to walk up to 3 miles, so about an hour. In my child’s case the day starts at 8.25 so in winter that is a walk in the dark. As a family we walk everywhere and use the car only if essential but kids carry a tonne of stuff to school, don’t have lockers (in my child’s case) or cloakrooms and, if they start out wet it is really unpleasant to spend the day damp. Not so bad coming home though like a previous poster I’ve had to dry shoes out overnight. I don’t know any children who do what the OP proposes (not saying it’s wrong, just stating my experience). Nor do I know any adults at my very large workplace who walk that distance to work. It’s not just safety/inconvenience 2 hours (6 miles ie the council limit) is a lot of time to spend walking in a working day.

I do know a couple of people who drive their kid past the school and beyond to get them out of the house with them so they know they are up and walking to school on a safer walking route than the direct one from their house.

They're not doing a four mile walk. They're walking two miles in the morning and another two in the afternoon. Which is very different.

Every child where I live did that walk to and from school. I don't live in the back of beyond, I live in outer commuterland. But the nearest secondary school is in the next small town to ours, so that's where our town's kids go. And there is no transport provided unless they're three miles away.

My kids never complained about it. The walk with their friends was a social element, and when I was off work and offered a lift to school, it was refused.

This is absolutely not a 19th century thing. It's very much 21st century.

1500 pupils in my child’s secondary school and I bet there is only a handful who don’t make their own way there. 2 miles is not far. My dc school is an 8 minute drive from our house that’s 2.4 miles. The walk is 38 minutes. That’s 1.8 miles walking distance. We are closer than lots of people and the majority walk, many cycle and a handful get the bus ( stop is 15 mins walk away). My dd actually chooses to walk and prefers it to getting the bus. This is in all weathers. There is a horde of dc all walking the same way. They have to set off at 7am ish. Sometimes it’s dark. This is totally normal and the dc that go to the next nearest school walk 1.5 miles to the train then another mile once they get off.
Everyone does this from year 7.
I have honestly never seen dc being dropped off unless they live a few towns over.
I don’t know a single year 7 who goes to childcare and I know every year 7, who I work with, or know, stay on their own at times, including after school.
I dont understand pp on here. Do you not have teens or know teens? Did they honestly get taken to school by parents everyday. most schools are a couple of miles away unless you live in the city centre. Does no one live in villages or small towns on here or something

I do wonder if pp actually know how far 2 miles is? It may sound a lot if you don’t walk often but it’s not.

Women do that too. They do need to talk about it.

My husband walks 2 miles to work. He works at a site at the top of a hill so there’s no buses and cycling is hard. The majority of his coworkers walk. I work in the centre of town and take a bus, but plenty walk or cycle in from all sorts of places - some miles away. No one drives as there’s no parking. My kids are growing up walking and go on hikes with their dad frequently as they think nothing of walking 8 miles or so. It’s wonderful for them (I’m disabled so can’t manage that, but can luckily walk a couple miles). The OPs daughter will benefit so much from being fit and independent.

‘Abusive’? What sort of rarified world do you live in? Children have been walking to school since forever, it’s great exercise and reinforces their independence. Last time I looked children don’t melt in the rain, what is this obsession on this thread about ‘all weathers’? It’s not like we live in some extreme environment with earthquakes is it?

It’s clearly very difficult for some parents to understand but as children grow up they don’t want to spend all their time being monitored and coddled by their parents. I wonder how many of you with these anxieties exert as much control over what your children are accessing online, because that could be far more dangerous than walking to school.

Agree.

But so many adults in the UK will take the car out rather than walk even half a mile that they have lost sight of this.

For a healthy teen, it's 30 mins at a brisk pace. 45 mins if dawdling with friends

You’re in a tricky position and I’m sure you would like it to be different.
i think the crux of it is maybe listening to your husband rather than being offended he is questioning anything.
sorry to be rude but you both sound awful
communicators, he has an issue now and hasn’t taken any time to explain why and you’ve take the hump and come on to mumsnet rather than speaking with him and clearly have little intention of listening to feedback on here either.
why are you talking with your husband about his feelings and also what you can maybe do as a team to make this easier on your daughter?

Amazed at the people who thinking secondary school age children walking 2 miles to school is a problem. Its normal, and its good for them, helps keep them fit and healthy. My DD has always walked to school, in all weathers (and I live in Finland where its well below zero for much of the winter and dark a lot of the time) she's walked in -20 and snowstorms and pissing it down with rain and all sorts. She survived. In upper school the children don't only walk/bike to and from school alone, they also have to walk or bike 1.3 in the middle of the school day to go to the primary school for woodwork (as there's no technical classrooms in the upper school) and for several weeks they do PE in the next town, so they have to bike 4 miles to the sports hall in the next town, do a 2 hour athletics PE lesson then bike 4 miles back. They all manage this (I admit I did let DD use my e-bike one time, because she was staying for volleyball training afterwards then biking back after that which was a lot of exercise for one day)

OP - you need to talk to your husband about his concerns and find out what's changed but I agree you're doing the right thing raising your DD to be independent. And when you both have to work and leave before her, that can't be helped, she will just have to manage. You just get her into the habit of locking up when she leaves the house, practice the journey so she knows exactly how long it takes, and get her to set alarms to remind her to leave on time. My DD has been doing that for years (even if I am home, which I was up until autumn 2023, she has been responsible for getting herself up and leaving on time for several years - now I leave for work before 7 so often before she wakes up but she always gets to school on time)

I am 2.9 miles from my DD’s school but would say the opposite; people moan about congestion at the school but don’t understand how long it takes to walk that distance and what time the child needs to set off. Admittedly I am 2.9 miles to your 2 and my DD’s school starts with a lesson (not registration even) at 8.25. I am also rural on a route that was previously classed as unsafe to walk until the council decided it was and removed the school bus, which was the only form of transport, as have many councils now they want to save. So, in the ‘good old days’ no one was walking this route despite the digs that many local people like to have at ‘lazy kids of today’. This is our catchment, closest school so we haven’t made any wild choices here. If my child walks, they are walking alone; no jolly gang of mates.

Someone mentioned Finland. I don’t know Finland but I have a feeling that school uniform might not be a thing? We do our kids no favours with uniform. My child would be put in isolation if they showed up in DM’s, walking boots, ankle boots or any other ‘sensible’ shoe . Unlike my own work (where no one walks), there is no where to change, no where to store belongings and no time to do any of this as a child can’t simply decide to show up even earlier as the building is locked. I think kids often get a raw deal and a bad press.

I walked to school in the UK in all weathers in normal leather school shoes and never had wet feet all day - what shoes are kids wearing these days that they get so wet?
But I do agree that proper footwear would be so much better, especially boots in winter, and that British kids do get a bad deal due to school uniform requirements. But if parents stopped supporting uniforms and started protesting them maybe that would go away.

My child’s route includes a muddy bridle way. I’m not sure what uniform compliant shoes would cope with that? Sounds like you had great shoes! I walked a reasonably short route to secondary on paved roads and remember my Clarks shoes leaking on occasion. It’s fine if you are headed home but uncomfortable to sit all day with damp feet. Shoes are hard to dry out. I’ve just purchased a second pair for my child for this reason as it’s hard even over night but they are not cheap.

I don’t think it’s so much walking to school. That is perfectly normal. It’s the fact there’s no one there when she leaves or gets back - especially in her first few weeks at secondary. That’s what I find more problematic

But what do you think OP can do to change it?

She has to work. Her DH has to work. Not everyone has a job where they can flex their hours, or work from home. Annual leave needs to be saved for holidays and INSET days, or sick days. Very few jobs give people the option of starting/finishing early for a few weeks - and even if they do - it means you lose money, which many families just can't afford.

I used to leave and come home to an empty house in Year 7 and I absolutely loved the responsibility. I loved getting home and being trusted to get changed, make a snack, watch TV etc. without a parent hovering about me. In fact, I used to get annoyed when my dad did get home early as it meant I couldn't watch The Simpsons

A muddy route is different, but I would assume that for most they are walking along pavements not muddy bridleways (DD used to walk through a forest so very muddy part of the year but she could wear boots so wasn't a problem). I suppose there's always the option of gaiters but that would probably be far too embarrassing for the average secondary schooler!

Completely agree with this.

Your DD sounds happy and comfortably independent. Nice work building her up to that. All sounds fine to me - the only thing I’d add is to make sure she has a plan if she loses her phone and needs to contact you.

Unless the government is going to give the equivalent of paid maternity leave to a parent for the first term of Yr7, there will be 11yos home alone before and after school when they start Secondary. And many of those will walk.

Helicopter parenting is driven by sating your own needs

shes doing well and it sounds like you have good structure and support in place

ask him if he’s worried about being alone, where has this come from?

Well I'd be slayed by some of these responses. My son is now 13 but I have been leaving him home alone for hours since about age 10. The last two years he has stayed home alone all day while I've worked and also gone to and from school himself with a key until I've gotten home.
Solo parent so no other real option

No slaying from me, sounds absolutely fine and you know your own child!

Sounds totally normal to me. I was home alone every day in the holidays from 12 - childcare just didn’t exist and my parents both worked. All my friends were in the same position and we mostly hung out at each others’ houses or went to town, the park, the pool or McDonald’s!

My dad often arrived home to my best friend and I watching TV or hanging out in my room.

Sounds fine to me. I grew up in a 3 tiered school system so from year 5 which was the first year of middle school I was locking up, taking myself to and from school and staying in an empty house until my parents came home at 6pm.