Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

I assume you don't have a secondary school age child?

This is absolutely dead normal for secondary school children.
A 2 mile walk after school finishes is only going to be in the dark if you are in the north of Scotland.
11 year olds do not disintegrate in the rain. Raincoats and umbrellas are things that exist.

As a comparison point, LEAs expect secondary school age children to walk 3 miles to school (before free school transport considered).

You mentioned WFH. Could you/he do that again until the end of Y7?

On balance I think yabu to assume she’ll be okay as she can’t contact you readily for immediate support. She’s your eldest and I think it’s been easier for you to just assume she’s okay to be alone. Once she’s home that’s probably fine.
However I would be looking for a lift to school for her as 2 miles is too far to walk on busy roads in poor weather and as for letting her decide to cycle I think you’re really showing a lack of care. I cycle daily but am very wary of traffic and breakdowns happen.

@Gymmum82is DH changing his mind anything to do with DD forgetting her key? Your post reads that way to me. If so has he kind of jumped from forgot key once equals not responsible enough to be at home alone? If that is the case then he maybe needs to be reminded that we all do things like forget keys and effectively beating her over the head with a small very normal thing that she dealt with herself is really not helpful, it will only fuel the perfectionist traits many young girls (in particular) have which becomes a huge weight to live with.

So what’s plan b? Genuinely. What do people do if they work and there is no wrap around? We live hours from family. i work in a healthcare setting so there is no wfh option. Dh can only wfh 2 days per week. Neither have flexi working so what are we expected to do?

No she’s not alone a lot. After school each day yes. But otherwise not often. The odd trip to the shops or to drop younger kids at clubs. Sometimes she comes. Sometimes she doesn’t. It depends.
She does have her own clubs on 3 nights a week

We are in a very similar situation OP with no family nearby etc. The honest answer to how we've avoided it is to make sure that our jobs can work around it. That's come at a financial cost over the years and tough decisions have had to be made but, at the end of the day, being around for our kids to check in before and after school- make sure they have what they need and can get there safely and that they have had a good day etc once home- has to come first. It's about being a parent really, isn't it.

You seem to be leaving her alone a lot. I actually feel very sorry for your daughter, she’s 11 not 16. And two miles walk (so four everyday??) to school everyday at 12, I’m sure she could do it yes, but surely you don’t want that for her? You seem like you just expect her to adapt to everyone else’s needs and get on with it, there’s no hint of caring in your posts.

My dh is exactly like yours op,I have to point out that she won’t be street smart of he continues to wrap her up in cotton wool,I leave dd for 2 hours a day while I go to work,until dh gets home,although I do feed her before I leave,she’s also In year 6.

What you’re describing is totally normal for the vast majority of Year 7’s. There’s no childcare and certainly no breakfast club - they all lock up, walk to school with their mates and do the same in reverse.

I think you should trust yourself and your daughter, it sounds like your set up works. Many parents these days are full of anxiety for their children, completely forgetting that for years thousands of children have walked or cycled a couple of miles to school without incident. You’re daughter is learning to be resilient which seems to be sadly lacking in some young people.
Address your husband’s sudden anxiety, but ultimately unless he is going to come up with a plan to deal with it I don’t know what you’re expected to do, given the limitations of your job.

What do you think the alternative is?

It’s totally normal for kids to walk to/from secondary and to lock up in the mornings and let themselves in after. A two mile walk (probably mostly with her friends) is hardly a trek across the Sahara.

Loads of areas don’t have public transport and there’s certainly no school buses unless you live over 3 miles away. Everyone else walks or maybe gets the odd lift it their parents are going the same way.

What you’re describing is totally normal for the vast majority of Year 7’s. There’s no childcare and certainly no breakfast club - they all lock up, walk to school with their mates and do the same in reverse

As a secondary school teacher I can tell you that it's really not.

It's normal OP and she sounds great and very responsible. In London kids will often do quite complicated cross London train journeys to secondary from just 11.

I expect once she starts there will be homework clubs and after school activities some days as well. Weather! How bad is the weather going to be in the UK unless you're on the North York moors?

(NB there is a free breakfast homework club at DD's secondary).

She’s in secondary school, it’s fine. No wonder kids today are too scared to even answer a phone. Parents are mollycoddling too much. They get to uni and have issues because they’ve never been left to do anything independent. It’s ridiculous

Adapting to other people’s needs is a necessary life skill and should be encouraged, she’ll need to do that in the future so why not start now? Children don’t suddenly become an adult and automatically become resilient, it’s a skill that needs to be taught at an early age.

What is your objection to her walking four miles a day? That’s nothing for a healthy pre-teen!

Well, it’s certainly normal where I live. I don’t think you get to speak for the whole country.

Children walk to school from Year 5/6 with their mates. From Year 7 (or even the end of Year 6) they lock up, walk to school, and then do the same in reverse, often going via the bakery in the morning and Tesco or the park in the evening.

I leave for work around school time and the streets are filled with kids walking to school unattended. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a parent with a secondary aged child unless they’re dropping them at the gates on the way to work.

It's completely ok for your DH to change his mind. You obviously need to find the time to sit down and talk together.

Invalidating his concerns by calling him ridiculous won't help the situation.

It seems crazy that he's been called ridiculous for having concerns over his daughter, isn't this what we expect from parents?

I know, some of the answers on here are crazy to me! This was totally normal for me in Year 7 - I’d get the bus, walk home from the bus stop (about 1.5 miles) and go home to an empty house. My dad was often home in the mornings but if he wasn’t I’d lock up etc. just fine.

I can never understand the mentality of "she'll have to do it at 18, why not 11?". This girl is not even a teenager yet. Over the next 7 years she will grown and develop massively. Being looked after at 11 is not mollycoddling! It's parenting!

😂😂😂😂

I’m surprised no one has accused him of cheating or being abusive yet!

And I agree with you that it does add up and I understand where DH is coming from.
Sometimes DD has to be left alone which is fine but leaving her alone too much is quite lazy parenting.

Shes getting to an age where she needs to be encouraged to leave the house but I think staying at home alone is fine.

As a couple if one person isn’t comfortable with something then I do think a conversation needs to be had and a compromise met.
He is obviously very concerned, which shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Absolutely this!!

If she is mature enough then 11 is fine

What time does her high school open, ours allows the children in from 8am