Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

It’s a 30 minute walk! An 11yo will manage just fine. So what about “weather”? If there is really dangerous weather, school will be cancelled.

agree on the 2 miles walk to secondary being a bit much, but what can you do if no bus and parent at work? It will likely be dark by the time she is home in winter. As long as it’s along lit pavements and not country roads. My DD’s secondary school is 3 miles away by road, a lot shorter cutting through a large woods. Many kids do go through there but we have always driven DD to school (either her dad or I). Not so bad on way home as all the children walk down in groups, whereas quite isolated in the mornings. I can start later, as work flexi time, and I can also pick her up and log back on. If you don’t have that flexibility not much you can do. Hopefully will be some friends walking with her

So in September she will be leaving the house, locking up etc, and walking to school alone. At the end of the day, will she then also return alone to an empty house? Honestly OP, I think this is miles too much on a year 7 child. I also think actively choosing to leave a year 6 child home alone is not good.

No bus? My kids school and all local schools in 2 mile radius have school buses

My daughter stopped going to the childminder after school when she started secondary. She has a summer birthday so was only just 11 and was absolutely fine at home for an hour before I got home.

I would worry about the possibility of losing or forgetting a key though and would recommend a key safe.

I think that’s a long time to be left alone for a Year 6. I know we did it in the ‘80s, latch key kids and all that, but it’s more unusual now.

If 11 is too young to be left what do you suggest we do once she starts secondary school and there is no wrap around care? Quit our jobs?

Also the scenario about her sister falling unconscious would never happen because she is never left to care for any younger siblings. She does however know what to do in a fire

But it isn’t really ok that she is left on her own for that long in year 6. This is the point of adolescence thinking that your kids are at home and safe. She’s in year 6 still very young. I suspect your husband came home and from the supermarket the other day and discovered something or your daughters said something to him.

There is no bus. She can cycle. She will decide what she wants to do closer to the time.
Younger children are dropped off at breakfast club at 7.30am. Then we go to work. She currently goes to breakfast club as she likes the food but doesn’t go to after school club.
After school she comes home, does her homework, gets herself a snack and watches tv. By that time im usually home

I’ve put that you are being unreasonable, but because it doesn’t sound as though leaving your daughter home alone is a decision that’s been discussed at any great length. It sounds like it’s more evolved & I can see how DH might have been ok with the brief period after school, but not only has that extended, it’s now also ‘frequent’ shopping trips.

I don’t think leaving her is a huge problem if she’s mature, more that it doesn’t sound like a joint decision has been reached. But at 11, I’d expect both parents to know when the child is due to be home alone, and for what duration. The legal guidelines say that children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left alone. Parents can be prosecuted in a scenario where they come to harm. I guess with that in mind, he’s not technically wrong.

It sounds like when all is added together, she is alone a lot. Is she doing any clubs of her own?

i also think someone has told your dh this isnt acceptable. As it is mumsnet ill assume it is his mistress

It is not a 30 minute walk it's more like 45-50.. I know this from experience as we have almost this exact scenario (except our DD 's walk is 1.7m).

I agree that this will almost definitely be too much for your daughter in September, Op. Have you properly considered the fact it will definitely be dark for several months when she sets out, and more importantly, the weather?! It is hacking down many days in this country and would mean daughter arriving at school absolutely soaking and having to spend the whole day like that - leather shoes don't dry out at all quickly, and there is often no where to put wet coats (lockers are avoided in our school as can be a magnet for bullies, especially for first years, apparently...)

We compromise and drop DD half way, which may be an option for you if you're leaving at 7.30 as surely she would need to leave at 7.30 too? Although our secondary schools start at 8.30 so arriving at 8.10-8.20 is very much the norm.

Walking home soaking and getting changed straight away into dry clothes is far more acceptable at the end of the day! Shoes still often need to go on the rad to be dry by next day though 🙄 gotta love the British weather!

Sorry Op this convo has taken a different turn! 😂 Fwiw I definitely think it's fine to leave DD - we leave ours for up to 2hrs now (midway through year 7) - she absolutely Loves the independence! We have dogs for company though, and she has no access to the internet or YouTube - just TV and Spotify on Alexa - and stays in her room playing with her makeup 😆

We lock the front door behind us so she is secure, and leave back door open in case she needs to get out in an emergency, which makes me feel "safer" about it, and she does have a phone.

I think as parents you need to discuss this issue since he's raised it and decide what is best for you and your family.

He's allowed to he worried and you're allowed to know why he has changed his mind.

Every situation / child is different. It doesn't matter whether other parents drive their child to and from school till they're 16 and never let them stay home alone or expect them to cycle / walk for miles from the age of 10. There isn't a right way to do it - there's only what you as parents decide is best and works for you.

By the way, round here secondary schools start at 8.30 and let children in earlier, including for breakfast and possibly, clubs. My eldest rushed out of the house early every morning to get breakfast in the school canteen. Are you sure you couldn't drop her off earlier or closer to the school so she has a shorter walk?

My ds cycles to secondary but if the weather is terrible (this has only been twice this winter) we have given him a lift... most secondary schools open far earlier than the school day starts and the kids can go to the canteen or library so getting there at 7.30 would usually be fine

I think letting her walk home is fine. But leaving her while younger children are at clubs could be an issue depending how long it is. She could tag along but like you say you have been doing this for a while already. And like others say it could be the adolescence programme the first episode made me consider more what they look at online.

This was my first thought

@faerietales

cos that’s life? We all have to do stuff we don’t want to do or that we find boring. Good to prepare kids for that.

I've just checked Google maps and my kids walk to secondary school was 1.6 miles. They walked every day, usually with their friends. And yes, in all weathers.
Surely there can't be many working parents who are available to drop off at nine and pick up at half three? Possibly more more that some perks WFH, but it's absolutely normal where I live for kids to be walking up to two miles to school in the next small town.

I don’t do unnecessary things I don’t want to do 🤷‍♀️

This

@Gymmum82

going to the gym, going to the supermarket, going for medical appointments, going to hairdressers, taking the kids to their clubs - all stuff that many people would find boring but they do anyway

Ithink it's all a bit much tbh. Do you have much time for her generally? I found my kids offload immediately after school so I would want to be around sometimes for her. Sounds like you need to adjust your schedule a bit to reduce the frequency of not being around for your kids.

I think this is one for you and your husband to discuss and agree upon, sounds like you may both need to compromise.

What I’m a little confused about though is why you need to pop to the shops so often? We always do one food delivery a week and then potentially one ‘pop to the shops’ but as we have younger children one of us does it whilst the other is with the kids. Why do you need to go so often mid week?!

Childhood is such a short period of time and from your posts, it does sound like her independence is cranking up at too high a speed. 2m walk to school twice a day with no back ups doesn’t sound great. I certainly wouldn’t walk to work in the pissing rain so I’m not sure why you think your Y7 daughter will be able to get to school like that, and as others have said, in the pitch black in winter.

Have a chat and understand each others positions.

You called your husband a helicopter parent. Do you often judge other people’s parenting and label them as “types”? Why? I’m also protect my children from danger, I thought that was normal. I do it because I want them to survive into adult years - lots of kids don’t. Calling people names for different risk appetites isn’t helpful (or kind).

I said unnecessary things

I can’t remember the last time I went to a supermarket though, I do it all online.