Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

I actually quite enjoyed having the house to myself after school.

Absent proper mental health issues, I think kids that can't handle being on their own after school from secondary age need to become a bit more resilient

My kid has been taking herself to school and back on the bus, and is home for a couple of hours before I get home - she’s done that since the start of high school when she was eleven. I also leave her at home for a few hours if she doesn’t want to come with me places, she’s 12 now. She’s fine with it - she practically pushes me out the door. She has a phone and contacts me if there is anything. Sometimes I drop her off, but she always gets home by herself. It’s high school! All her friends do the same. Also a solo parent with no family around, I had no choice really, but she’s fine with it. We built up to it the last year of her primary school.

I agree, but you say that on here and you’re told that children shouldn’t be in a rush to grow up.

l sound like my dad, but what has happened in the last 20 years that means 11-12 year olds need almost constant supervision and can’t handle being in an empty house for a couple of hours?

I was so excited to get my own key at 9/10 and being allowed to go to the shop with my friends and let myself back in. I still remember walking home from the bus stop on my first day of secondary and stopping at Tesco for an ice cream - I felt so grown up and responsible!

It’s such a shame to me that so many children aren’t allowed such basic freedoms until their mid teens. It’s sad.

I started doing the same with mine when she was about that age. I would often be taking her little sister to swimming lessons, etc. She is now 13, soon to be 14, and walks 40 minutes to secondary school every day with friends but sometimes would be alone if they have afterschool stuff. She wouldn't be allowed to wander the streets late at night but for me she learned independence is very important. She has my number if she needs anything. We know our neighbours, and her friends live close by.

This thread has made me even more sure it's good to encourage responsibility and independence so pushed me to get my son walking to school himself asap as it really is difficult to manage the school run some days. So today I walked him halfway (through the two tricky crossings) and left him about a half mile from the school where the walk gets super easy. He's 8. Next year he will walk himself back and forth to school most days (minus the days he's in after school club as they won't allow children to sign themselves out and it's dark at that time most of the year (we are in Scotland). I feel totally fine about it so thanks to everyone on here for reminding me how important this is!

I still remember vividly the first time my mum let me walk alone to fetch my brother from tennis. Can picture the scene, feel the warmth of the sun, every detail. Children crave independence and responsibility.
I let DS, who is 7, walk to the shop up the road by himself to buy some sweets for the first time yesterday. Similar levels of excitement for him - he was so proud of himself. Next autumn he'll be walking to school by himself as he can't go to breakfast club after this year so I am slowly preparing him for that.

For me, the memory is of the first time I was allowed to take the bus into town by myself. That would have been nearly 60 years ago but I still remember the pride in myself.

My eldest was itching to walk to school on her own, so we said that she could do that from her 8th birthday. I swear it was her best birthday present that year.

Yes! I remember so clearly how thrilled I was to get independence and how keen for it.

I feel like now so many parents are on such a downer about every step of independence.

I see posts about preparing kids for how hard university will be etc, not how fun, how exciting.

My sons were also in a 3 tier system and walked to school about 1 and a half mile each way from year 5 onwards so I find out bonkers how much grief you're getting.

Also that people can't grasp that different kids can deal with different levels of responsibility and because their kids wouldn't be ok with this yours couldn't either.

My boys would have rather shit in their hands and clap than have me take them to school

My boys would have rather shit in their hands and clap than have me take them to school

I took my DD on the first day of school first grade, did it again first day of second grade but when I went to pick her up she said no thanks and went round a friend's house instead and that was the last time I walked her, she did not want me to!

Just wanted to post in support of you a bit. When I was in year 7 (albeit many years ago now) I got myself 3 miles to and from school, in the light, in the dark, sun, wind, rain, and snow. I survived. There were no mobile phones. No tracking apps. Yes I came home to an empty house, but it wasn't that big a deal. I'm still here to tell the tale.

Now, I am a single parent.

All though secondary school they have had to get themselves up and get themselves to school, as I was already out at work at that time.
Was it ideal? No. But I had no other option if I wanted to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table..
However I knew that both of my kids were sensible, had phones, and had people they could contact.
Kids also need to be given a chance to learn independence and grow, not be babied all the time.