Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

Just because you keep saying it is normal, doesn't make it so. I don't know anyone who does this. I cannot imagine leaving my dd11 to walk 2 miles x 2 daily, in all weathers. Literally cannot imagine it.

OP, you keep asking what the alternative is. Leaving her to fend for herself in this context isn't it.

But this is what annoys me about men. They have a little thinky time and decide something must change because they say so. But they don’t actually engage with their partner on it, they don’t sit them down and say “hey, I have been feeling uncomfortable about DD being home alone and think we should do it less. What do you think DW?”

They just make a snap decision and try to enforce it immediately by being snappy arseholes because they believe themselves to be in charge. OP has just as much of a say.

I cannot wfh. Husbands work recently changed the policy to only 2 days and the rest must be in the office

Well, it’s certainly normal where I live. I don’t think you get to speak for the whole country

Neither do you with your totally normal claims.

Because sometimes, as adults, we have to help family with things we find boring. And if learned as kids, they will continue to do it.

Neither DH or I enjoy food shopping. But one of us goes to get the top up food we need. One of us does the online delivery. One or both of us brings it in. Teach a kid they don't have to do it and they'll decide it's someone else's job. Which when in a partnership will land the less enjoyable jobs at their partner's feet. Then they'll be the people being complained about on here and parents will be blamed for not teaching them to be helpful.

How did you get to school?

That. The transition to adulthood depends on kids experiencing what it is to be an adult. That trip to B&Q might be tedious, but it's background learning. If you've stayed at home when your parents have been doing their adulting, how are you to know how life works?

In London, 11 year olds manage quite complex journeys on public transport or walking a mile or more to get to secondary school.

A mile takes an adult about 15-20minutes to walk. Yes, it takes a child longer but an 11 year old is not a toddler. They really should be fit enough to manage a 40minute walk before and after school. If not, then that is a problem.

Re your husband: you aren't being unreasonable leaving your daughter but I'd try to pick a moment to have a calm conversation with him about what he is feeling. Perhaps he feels a bit scared that she is growing up? A bit nervous that she is about to be at secondary school where parents have less visibility on what happens?
Him snapping at you is not helpful but perhaps something is worrying him that it could be useful to try and get to bottom of.
I think it is important to remind him that she is at an impressionable age as well - if he implies that she is too silly to be left at home, she might be quite wounded by that as well especially as she has been doing absolutely fine. So he needs to be filling her with confidence - more "can you show me how you would deal with a fire? That's great you thought to shut the door as you left the room to contain it but also don't stop to get your bag, leave quicker" rather than "well, you won't know what to do in an emergency, you'll panic"

Well said

Tbh it sounds as though your husband is suffering from anxiety that is manifesting in this instance - perhaps aggravated by watching and media discussion about Adolescence, but it may be something deeper. Children in my area often walk home at your DD’s age and remain alone in the house from 4pm until an adult returns home. And until recently no one in my area questioned that, until a series of daytime break ins after 4pm (once it started to get dark) from Oct- Feb for the last few years. As a neighbourhood we are now very very wary so have had to instal security cameras and teach our children to do a scope out of their homes before entering and to remain outside/go to a neighbour if they have any issues while they call mum/dad to check security footage.

Our knee jerk reaction was to panic (mine esp as I walked in on the burglers in my neighbours house, thinking the cleaners had just tripped the alarm); but as a community we opted (once the police and MP proved to be effing useless) to upskill our children.

re your DH, @Gymmum82 , I would suggest DH consider whether he is experiencing anxiety on a wider level and I would sit with him and arrange a protocol for DD re checking the house before entering, who she should call if she cannot reach you, perhaps text you/dad once she is home, etc. keep her safe is about teaching her to manage and navigate risks,not about bubble wrapping her.

The girl is walking to school not running an empire or climbing Everest 😂 children need to grow into their independence, thousands of children of this age do it every day, do they all have bad parents? The hyperbole on this thread is ridiculous, cut the apron strings for goodness sake!

But there’s a difference between having to do something essential and just being dragged around for the sake of it.

I’m also not especially convinced that children need to be taken on hundreds of supermarket trips to learn how to do a food shop 🤷‍♀️

But then I spent years in retail and saw so many bored kids with their parents and I don’t think any of them were learning anything useful.

By chauffeured limousine by the sound of it!

I would be concerned about her getting herself to school 2 miles by foot at that age.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a child that age to go to school on their own or be left alone at home for a while. It’s what I did when I was that age.

Like your daughter, I was a mature, sensible child. I even used to be trusted to put more fuel on our open fire, to keep it alight until my mother got home and could deal with it properly. I didn’t mind being on my own and never had any problems.

Except… my favourite game on my own was to put the poker in the fire until it was very hot, then burn patterns with it on sheets of old newspaper. My mother didn’t know and it never occurred to me until years later that it might be terribly dangerous.

But you don’t have to go on every single supermarket or B&Q trip to “learn how life works”.

I’m also not convinced children that children really learn that much from multiple trips to DIY stores or the post office - everytime I’m in any of those places, the kids are bored shitless or playing on phones and the parents are stressed and just want to get out of there.

Of course sometimes it’s essential - especially with younger kids who can’t be left alone but I genuinely see no benefit in dragging a disinterested 11yo round Sainsbury’s for the 100th time.

Why?

OP, it's completely normal and I will do the same. People talking about 'all weathers' are being absolutely ridiculous and that's mollycoddling! My 4 year old is expected to walk or cycle to and from our childcare and swimming (1 mile each way) in all weathers, and would be capable of 2 each way if needed.

Also the pearl clutching about walking "in all weathers".

Unless there will be a drip feed that the OP lives in northern Sweden, then "all weathers" in the UK is just some rain. It's not blizzards, tornadoes or tropical cyclones.

Once a blue moon, maybe a really windy named storm day and you can probably adapt then as an emergency.

The answer to walking in all weathers is to have a decent coat and shoes.

I know teenagers are sometimes allergic to wearing coats but they will rapidly learn the consequences of not doing so, which is that they get wet and look bedraggled. They'll not freeze to death in most parts of the UK though.

The wrapping in cotton wool is pretty extreme if you think the UK's very mild climate is a reason not to walk anywhere.

But it's not only food shopping. It's any task that the kid seems boring.

A trip to the supermarket. Getting things to get ready for the garden tidy up. Shopping for a new car. Clothes shopping (the number of women on here who have to buy clothes for their men). Popping to bodycare for toiletries. Nipping out for cleaning supplies. It's just showing them part of what needs to happen to make everyday life happen.

They don't need to go every time but they can't opt out of every part of the running of their household. That's what it teaches them.

It’s honestly the norm for millions of children up
and down the country.

"I cannot imagine leaving my dd11 to walk 2 miles x 2 daily, in all weathers. Literally cannot imagine it."

With the greatest respect, it's clear your child is a different sort of child to the OP's. That's fine of course, you parent the child you have, etc.

However my 11yo is very similar to the OPs, very sensible and completely fine with walking/taking the tube to/from school, making a snack and doing homework if left by themself for an hour. Most children SHOULD be just like this imho.

Maybe okay if she is in a group but walking that far on her own every day in all weathers. Also people who would want to harm a child can easily see her routine and use that to their advantage.
Maybe I am seen as over protective but that is just how I am and we all parent differently. I would not let my child walk 2 miles to school every day.

The walk to and from school was social time for my kids. It's highly unlikely that OP 's daughter will be walking alone for much of the journey. My kids and their friends met along the way and it was just part of the friendship routine.
When it was really stinky weather at the end of the day, there'd sometimes be a parent of one of them who'd take pity on the group and pick them up.

I'm retired now so around when the secondary school kids are walking home, and again they're busy chatting in groups. It's a rite of passage.

But you said earlier you didn't work due to SEN children so what is it?