Husband changing mind about DD left at home

[Gymmum82]

Dd is 11 and in year 6. She has been walking home from school alone since the start of year 5. Initially to someone at home working. Then alone for about 30 mins until one of us came home from work. We’re now up to about 1.5 hours before someone is home. She is a mature, sensible child. Nothing has gone wrong so far.

Since this started she’s been left at home while we popped to the shops, taken younger children to clubs etc. Never for more than an hour or so.

Anyway on Tuesday she forgot her key, she went home with another parent and my younger daughter after school rather than walking home, no drama. She could always have gone to the after school club if that hadn’t have been an option.
After work I picked them both up and went home, younger child has a club so quick turnaround to get back out. I passed husband leaving our home as we got back (he was going to the supermarket) I dropped dd11 at home and left again with younger dd to go to club and passed husband again heading home, pulled over and asked if he was ok and he said he was going back to get DD11. Thought it was odd but carried on my way.

On to today. He’s taken dd9 out to another club. I said I was nipping to the shop, he asked if I was taking dd11. I asked her, she said no, so I said no. He suddenly out of nowhere starts ranting about how she shouldn’t be left alone and we must take her with us whenever we’re going out. I pointed out she’s alone every day after school, he said that’s because we have no other choice, I said we clearly do she can go to after school club. He didn’t reply.
I also pointed out that in 5 months time she will have to get herself to and from high school by herself 2 miles away on foot. She won’t have wrap around and she is old enough to have some independence.
He disagrees and continued to rant about how it’s neglectful parenting and she should never be left alone if there is any other choice.

So AIBU here? Or has he lost his mind?

I know this isn't the point of the thread but re the key, she could have it attached to one of those retractable key rings with the key ring attached to the inside of her bag. Some bags have a D ring inside to attach it to or you can sew it into the bag. It would be good to do this for secondary school too. Both my children had this so that they never forgot the key and never lost it either. It also cannot be accidentally left in the door as it is attached to the bag. Not my idea, I got if from MN over a decade ago.

On the leaving her home, I think it is fine. My friend's son's birthday is 28th August so he literally turned 11 and a week later was doing the secondary school run home alone and letting himself into the house. No choice as no childcare once they hit secondary.

I like children being taken out to do boring things like a trip to B&Q but not every time so that they understand being an adult and what that can entail but also given the responsibility to be left behind sometimes. Any moaning or whining would result in every trip out them having to accompany the adults and a good dose of me moaning about everything I did in a complete over the top way so that they can have a laugh about it hopefully, noooo, now I have to cook dinner, and now put your uniform in the wash complete with limp arms. I also think that accompanying a parent means if you have 2 adults and 2 parents you get to spend one on one time with each child.

He needs to grow up a bit. Your daughter is going to get pretty pissed off with his mollycoddling very soon - as are you!

I'm not sure I'm reading it right,cos no one else has mentioned it, but are you saying she's also responsible for a younger sister too?

@Gymmum82 have I understood correctly that when she's 11 and goes to secondary school shel'll be getting herself to and from school by herself 2 miles away on foot?

Even in the dark?
Regardless of the weather?
I don't think that's great.

He's very unreasonable for ranting at you for not being a mind reader and not knowing he'd had a change of heart. If he wants to do things differently he should discuss it with you, not kick off at you the second you don't do as he said. Or in this case - as he didn't say! You're his wife not his staff. He's no business ranting at you like that.

I'd not be bending over backwards to fix this problem, it's a him-problem, you don't have any problem, so let him fix it. If he wants to come to you with the problem to discuss it, he can come to you like an adult and have a conversation. He owes you an apology for the way he spoke to you. I'd not be seeking him out to reassure him or try to better understand him or anything else under the circumstances. When someone treats you like shite for no reason, responding to that by running around trying to appease them isn't the way to go.

I have a 10 year old. She’s a young 10 but my god she seems miles away from this sort of independence.

Not a criticism. I’m genuinely worried about this.

It sounds like a calm and curious discussion could be useful. It will be important to understand what has shifted for him. My first thought was ‘he has been watching adolescence’. I don’t actually think it’s unreasonable that the show has given him pause to reflect on how much time DD is spending alone, particularly on school afternoons/evenings. That would be my concern in your situation. It sounds like she will be alone for potentially an hour in the morning then 1.5-2 every afternoon. My eldest started high school last year and I’m finding it way more important for her to have someone around now than it was when she was in lower primary. In terms of the compromise between independence and connection, I think I’d be suggesting that each of you picks her up one day per week and has that time with her, and just finishes work in the evening. If that’s not possible, I’d cut my hours a little id it wouldn’t leave me on the poverty line!

It sounds like you are leaving her more and more. It's not just about what's easy and sometimes it's best to make them go with you at that age . Spending so much time alone isn't good.
My parents always got home at 6 . I never had a parent I could talk to after school. If I had a bad day by the time they got home and so busy with cooking and other children I didn't get the chance to actually talk to them . So often things went unsaid.
11 is still very young . You only have them for a few more years till they won't be interested in your company anyway. Why not make the most of it

You should not argue about this. If one parent wants more supervision of their child, then for me it means that there is one NO vote for DD11 being left alone and that wins..

Two 'Yeses' means yes and one 'no' means no - is how I generally make decisions with DH.

I agree.

Times have changed, now nursery wouldn’t give a child to an 11 year old let alone a sibling in school.

No. Younger sister was at a club. She is never left to look after her

What would you suggest then? Both her dad and I leave for work at 7.30am or earlier. There is no breakfast club. There is no other means of getting to school. It’s bike or walk. I could drop her off but then she’d have to stand outside for 1.5 hours until it opened

See this concerns me more than what he is currently worrying about. You'll both be out of the house before she even leave for school, with no back up plan for problems, weather etc. Do neither of you have any flexibility around start time? Especially to begin with?

What is the 2 miles like? Pavements, crossings, country lanes...?

Hi, hello, I'm jumping in with my very first post.

I think there's always options and maybe if you and your husband have a proper sit down and talk, you can tease out a solution that you're both comfortable with.

The issue may be less with your daughter's level of responsibility, as she sounds very responsible. The issue may be more with external circumstances that he is noticing or picking up on. Maybe she is spending too much time on screens and isolating a little bit, not living in the here and now so much. Maybe he is developing an awareness of her vulnerability as an 11 year old girl walking alone 2 miles every day on a set schedule.

I can't work out the details of your life for you, it's your life! But it's good your husband has a different opinion than you, even if you think of it as annoying or getting in your way. He's there to keep you from going too far in the other direction; if you use his caution as a valuable resource to work with, the two of you can hopefully sharpen each other and ultimately come to a solution that doesn't swing too far in either direction. I'm not saying the solution will appear overnight, it will take time to work out the details and only the three of you (yourself, husband, and your daughter's honest opinion) can truly say what that will look like. The circumstances around where you live play a vastly important role here and nobody can truly give advice who isn't from your actual neighborhood, in my opinion.

But I'm not a marriage counselor, what do I know!

He’s probably read an article or mentioned the situation to someone who has shown shock and disbelief that you are leaving her alone etc. He feels criticised as a parent.

I think what you have been doing is fine. What isn't acceptable is your husband's inability to discuss something rationally.

Isn’t that perfectly normal? It was for me and most of my classmates. The backup plan for weather is you go outside in it. Problems are arguably more easily dealt with now because of mobile phones – OP’s DD can ring her parents if there’s a problem.

Assuming she has to get for school for an 8.30 start time, and most people can walk a mile in 15-22 minutes, x2 miles, at the most she’ll be home alone in the morning for half an hour, at the least, 16 minutes. What problems might occur in that window other than a bit of dawdling or rolling her school skirt up and loosening her tie?

I can’t believe other mums on here calling him ridiculous, obviously because his male!

When a woman’s paternal instinct kicks in, other mumnetters scream from the roof tops to trust your gut, but this man’s ridiculous all of a sudden.

11 is too young to be left regardless if she is mature, would she be able to control herself in an emergency situation instead of panicking…most 11 years olds wouldn’t have a clue what to do if a fire broke out or if her sibling fell and was rendered unconscious. I agree with your husband, he suddenly has a bad feeling about this, doesn’t believe it’s right and as the other parent, this should be listened too, not just discarded because his a bloke.

Not particularly normal in my experience no, especially not exclusively. Most families I know have a back up plan for particularly nasty weather, flexibility for the first term while they're settling etc. Or kids get a set school bus etc.

Hopefully it won't be an issue, but latch keying every morning from day 1 just seems a lot. After school is a bit different.

I have zero flexibility. He can wfh 2 days per week but that’s the extent of his flexibility.
She will have a phone so can contact us if any issues

I don’t know any child that walks 2miles to school. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this. Is there a bus? or can she cycle?
What are your younger children doing when you both leave at 7.30am?

I think you DH has a point and you leave her alone too much. What does she do while she waits for you to come home?

The walking 2 miles to and from school every day shocks me tbh. Brutal in winter.

I have an 11 yr old DD and none of this would be happening. I would make alternative plans until a few years older.

I have just had a look at the distance and time it took me to walk to high school. It's 1 mile and approx 20 mins walk. I was left alone before and after school as both parents worked. I managed, enjoyed the independence and responsibility.

I think what Op is doing is fine. Our year 6 sometimes walks his year 4 brother to school on their own, again they like the independence

Your dd sounds pretty responsible for her age. I think what you’re doing is fine. She’s going to be more in her world. As long as you continue to do stuff with her, this is the age, when kids start to be more interested in their friends than parents.

Some kids do just have to get on with it when they get to secondary and thankfully your dd sounds as if she will cope just fine. Ideally she’d walk with a friend though and I imagine you will prepare her between now and then.