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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

346 replies

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:39

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

OP posts:
Cheesyfootballs01 · 27/03/2025 18:44

OP your title is misleading. It’s not that he can’t cook - it’s that he won’t cook.

Im assuming that he has a job? Can drive a car? Work a computer?

He just can’t be bothered 😕

What happens if you have children? Will he not cook for them either? Total turn off for me.

Abracadabra1 · 27/03/2025 18:45

Men like this just want someone to mother them, and while it may not irritate you that much now, it will when you've got a family and you've been up all night. Its weaponised incompetence.
It's funny how they can hold professional jobs down, but can't cook, or are "no good at cleaning"...bullshit...
They can cook, they are able to if they try, what would he do if he lived alone and couldn't afford takeaway.. they just can't be bothered as they see it as wifework.

TheHangrySwan · 27/03/2025 18:46

I’d bin him just for the pasta and ketchup! I think I’d struggle to be in a relationship with someone making zero effort to cook though. It’s not can’t at his age, it’s won’t.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 27/03/2025 18:57

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:47

He often works late in the city and will either come to mine for leftovers or make pasta with ketchup/ramen/beans on toast/ready meal/frozen pizza. He goes to the gym so you’d think he would care about his nutrition but not at all.

How hard is it season some chicken thighs, potatoes and sautee some greens? I did this when I was 12.

But his go to is def pasta and ketchup

Edited

So he’s able to feed himself then. Not everyone enjoys cooking from scratch. I don’t see it as a big deal myself, I’m probably in the minority here. In terms of your future together, it probably depends on what hours you work, how you split household chores and how you would be considering the split in terms of childcare if you do decide to have children. Everything doesn’t always have to be split 50/50. I used to do the majority of the household stuff/childcare, but I worked far fewer hours outside the house and DP was able to manage enough to feed himself when he returned after a late shift and I was in bed and would be able to provide some kind of food for me and DC if I was unwell or away. He’s actually started to cook since retirement - and conversely I’ve got very lazy.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/03/2025 18:59

He needs Delia how to cook

Zezet · 27/03/2025 19:01

I can't really cook. If I am on my own I do a meal delivery box (avoiding the UPF-heavy ones) to make sure we have something homemade. The selecting ingredients - getting them - planning it - making it - serving it - cleaning it... just no. I just will not spend my life energy in it. I would not start doing it for a partner either. And when I am on my own, I just eat one meal for weeks on end, with raw veg to keep it healthy. Despite enjoying food in lots of varieties! The process and amount of steps are just not worth it. (Speaking as someone who will happily renovate a house.)

Now, I am actually a very nice spouse who does well over half and half the mental load and most of the money. Just don't cook.

I would be incompatible with someone who can't be happy with that. Maybe you are.

NoMoreMrsNiceBucket · 27/03/2025 19:03

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/03/2025 18:59

He needs Delia how to cook

Seconded. A good starting point.

Poppyseeds79 · 27/03/2025 19:03

So, firstly he can cook. He can follow instructions to put a pizza or ready meal in an oven, and pasta/eggs in a pan. So he understands the concept. He's choosing not to cook which is his choice.

You sound like a frozen pizza wouldn't cut it for you OP. Which is also your choice but you may have to just deal with him not wanting to cook, or decide if it's a deal breaker.

Justalittlehotpotato · 27/03/2025 19:04

My SIL is a terrible cook but has been getting on really well with the Hello Fresh boxes and has learnt some new stuff. Probably more frustratingly, my DH is a really good cook, but just never cooks as he works a lot of hours. If I left it up to him then we’d have cereal or pizza for tea every night. We have a LO and basically I cook during the week and then go on strike at weekends. So we either eat out, have a takeaway, or something easy to shove in the oven from Friday - Sunday Eve

Hayley1256 · 27/03/2025 19:04

Pasta and ketchup - WTF! This give me the ick so bad.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/03/2025 19:07

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/03/2025 18:38

He CAN read the instruction to remove a roasting tray from the oven and do so, he can read the instruction to drain a saucepan and do so, he read the instruction to chop an onion, carrot, potato etc and do so, he can look at a tin and know he has to open it to get the contents out.

So, stop playing word games and explain why your husband can read but can't cook.

I'll save you the effort. He's disabled. He can't cook because he's disabled.

You've assumed that everybody is physically able to do something - which can be pretty offensive to people who do have disabilities that mean for all the will in the world, they aren't going to be able to take a roasting tray from an oven, drain a saucepan, chop any vegetable or open a tin.

There are also people who are disabled who aren't able to follow instructions in sequence or suffer from complete overwhelm at a list of things to do or assumed knowledge of the multiple steps that 'drain the saucepan' entails. Even though they are perfectly capable of reading it, the words don't translate to actions.

The OP's boyfriend may be the type of person who says horrible stuff like 'Why would I bark myself when I've got a dog to do it?'. But he might not be, he might be one of those people who genuinely can't get further than water in kettle, kettle on, kettle boil, lid off, water in, leave 3 minutes, stir, add chilli sauce - which is already an eight step process if you leave out the 'get fork from drawer' or 'go back to yesterday, turn the hot tap on, run the dirty fork under the water, pick up a dish sponge that's clean and use it to remove any bits of food, rinse the fork, pick up a clean teatowel that you washed and dried the day before that, wipe the fork dry, open the drawer that cutlery goes into, place fork into the section that forks go into, close the drawer then flash forward to today, open drawer and take clean fork out, close drawer, take fork to where the Pot Noodle is once you've added water to it, wait three minutes from adding boiling water and stir it so that the noodles move around and are evenly coated in the soup mix without splashing it over the side or scalding your hand...'

saraclara · 27/03/2025 19:07

A condition of you moving in together is that he's your sous-chef when you're cooking. He will learn along the way, and cooking together and chatting as you go is a pleasant way to spend time and build on your relationship.

sorechalfonts · 27/03/2025 19:12

@Packse ‘egg noodles with ketchup ‘ was Henry Hill’s lowest bar in witness protection in Goodfellas so yes you have made a very valid point

AnnaMagnani · 27/03/2025 19:12

Well I'm 12 years married to someone who doesn't cook at all and personally I would go for it with your partner.

The fact he is very clean and organized are big plusses for me and would outweigh the not cooking.

While I do all the cooking there are major advantages to me:

DH does all the washing up - I hate washing up, even with the dishwasher
DH tidies the kitchen - again, not my idea of fun
DH does all breakfasts and lunches, including bringing me espresso in bed - I am not a morning person
I get to choose what we eat every single time - I'm a fairly fussy eater and so this works better for me. I have made some minor concessions on things DH really dislikes
DH appreciates sometimes I just CBA and will put a ready meal in the oven

I did try to teach him to cook and I think he probably is teachable. Just not by me if I wanted our relationship to survive.
On the rare occasions I have got him to make a meal, I'd recommend The Roasting Tin as a good starting place as all the recipes are just 'chop some things, it doesn't matter how badly and put them in a tin in the oven'. DH was shocked to discover he could make an edible meal.

Mydahliasareshit · 27/03/2025 19:14

I have one of these. They don't change.
You need to get strategic about it.
Can he toast and butter a crumpet for you and bring it in bed on a Sunday morning? Yes of course he can. Step 1. Make a nice fuss of him.

Can he continuously stir a couple of eggs with a lump of butter for a minute on the hob. Yes. Scrambled eggs! Maybe you can lightly supervise while doing the coffee or putting some ham or salmon on the plates. For the first time he does it only, mind.

Can he boil his pasta, but instead of the ketchup dump, do a tub of puttanesca sauce dump. Of course. Dinner!

I got to the deal-making stage. I will cook 'properly' 2-3 times a week. The rest of the time he can have a pie in the oven or a microwave curry. He didn't mind that at all, and I get to pick at what I want only when I'm hungry. We only eat together on Xmas day.

Pretz123 · 27/03/2025 19:15

If you decide to move in you could start with some mindful chef/hello fresh style meals? Choose some of the easier cooking options for him? Such an easy way to learn with simple instructions and all the ingredients ready to go...::it might inspire him!

CanadianJohn · 27/03/2025 19:21

I'm 78, a widower, and I don't cook. I never have. After my wife died, i live on cereal, toast, fruit, and the occasional ready meal. I have zero interest in learning to cook. I sometime open a can of chilli.

Recently, I was in hospital for a week, and really enjoyed the variety of meals. However, I don't want to COOK them. I've been thinking of - maybe - going to a restaurant once a week, or something. I haven't been to a restaurant in 10 years.

So, if your man is like me, I think you have to tell him that learning to cook is essential to you, and maybe coach him thru making one meal a week.

As an aside, you mention, upthread, or putting chicken breasts in a pan with some seasoning... you've lost me already... what kind of pan? Frying pan, or saucepan? How high should the burner be? Do I need cooking oil? What is "seasoning"? All I know is salt and pepper. How do I know when they are done.

To anyone with any cooking experience these are non-questions, but I would be on the phone to "just eats" or "skip the dishes" to get a food delivery, instead of faffing about wondering which saucepan to use.

Sorry for the long post.

WilfredsPies · 27/03/2025 19:21

I had one of these, but he was quite happy to change. I did stand over him while he made a couple of my favourites, just to get him started and boost his confidence, and then he was off. I now have someone who wants to cook every day and looks for new recipes to try.

Littlebitpsycho · 27/03/2025 19:26

I'm your partner in this situation. I absolutely can't cook - and I won't. I don't enjoy cooking at all and life is too short. To be fair I was absolutely brutally honest before I got together with my current bf and said I can't cook and won't cook so if it's a problem then I'm not the girl for you 🤷‍♀️ I do lots of other stuff in return though, I do 99% of the driving, and happy to wash up, do the washing, hoovering, whatever. I'm just not going to cook!

Itstime1 · 27/03/2025 19:56

OP I’ve been with my DH for 13 years and married for 7. He is 100% one of those people who just can’t cook.

we’ve been together since uni and he was lucky his friend at uni was an excellent cook and then we moved in together in 3rd year! He just can’t deal with it. Hello fresh 20 min stir fry took him an hour once. He has to have every correct ingredient and can’t comprehend how to substitute stuff or just look in the fridge.
He has a first class software degree, excellent job and we have a wonderful DD who he is an amazing hands on Dad too.

The man just can’t cook and I’m fine with that! I blame his dad, he was a stressful cook and used to shout them away from the kitchen. Me? My grandad was a chef and had us all cooking from a young age. Only 1 of his 3 daughters can actually cook though and it isn’t my mother 😂

I have found it’s not unusual for 1 to be able to cook and 1 not in a relationship, shouldn’t really be a dealbreaker if they pull their weight!x

YachtMistress · 27/03/2025 19:59

Gusto subscription NOW
After tolerating 30 plus years of similar culinary incompetence, should have done this 32 years ago (wasn't invented then).
It's a life skill (cooking) and an expression of care towards your partner.

RedToothBrush · 27/03/2025 19:59

Being unable to make scrambled eggs is just laziness. My ten year old can made them. It is not hard.

He's got to this age because people have enabled this. Do you want to live like this? Is that how you see your future, putting up with this degree of laziness?

Bin him but tell him why it's such a turn off. If he really loves you, he'll suddenly discover how to cook. Otherwise he tells you all you need to know about how he values and respects you.

Fagli · 27/03/2025 19:59

I love cooking!! It relaxes me, I find it so enjoyable. I hate washing up, clearing away, and wiping down the kitchen. My husband does the latter every night and it works for us. He’s cooked for me a few times, it’s not bad, just think I prefer my own cooking!!

PenneyFouryourthoughts · 27/03/2025 20:09

I’m not a brilliant cook but I can follow a recipe with various results and not poison anyone, so I call that a win. Tell your DP he’s not expected to be Gordon Ramsey, only that he needs to get the basics mastered. (My scrambled eggs are rubbery but that’s how I like them)

VoltaireMittyDream · 27/03/2025 20:14

Take it from someone who's been there: this will be the tip of an iceberg of other very basic life skills he can’t manage.

Once you’re cohabiting and married he will slide into passivity and inertia and you’ll fall into a mothering role without meaning to. And when kids come along he may break down entirely and cease to cope.

It’s a tale as old as time. Get out while you can.