In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

[Packse]

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

I think you need to tell him the above before you get any further. It can't be beyond him to learn. Does he refuse to? Has he tried?

Give him a cookery course as a birthday present?

Cooking lessons for his birthday? You don't need to teach him yourself but it would give you an indication of how willing he is to learn? Probably best to also give him a heads up it may be a dealbreaker 🤷🏻‍♀️

It would be a deal breaker for me if having a family is what you want.

I send him recipes that I see that are for non cooks/beginners. But nothing materialises. He keeps saying he wants to learn but he’s been saying that since the day I met him

Everyone physically capable is capable of cooking.
I would not get together with partner who can't, or rather doesn't want to, cook. DH and I have amazing cook off evenings, big part of our relationship. So much fun. Beer, cooking together, dance off in a kitchen

Two things here:

one, he can't cook but two, he doesn't seem to want to.

If he realised independently that this is a real turn-off for you and indeed, most women and wanted to learn then this might be bearable.

When he is alone what does he live off?

Has he relied on parents and now you to feed him? Isn't he embarrassed?!

I think you are right not to want to have children with someone who can't cook - it would be a nightmare. But also, as you say, so unattractive.

What does he say about it?

Has he tried recipe boxes? Unless he has learning difficulties he would be able to cook - it’s just that it doesn’t interest him. Which to be honest is fair enough - so long as it is open and discussed thst if you are going to be doing all the meal plannign and cooking this has to be reflected in the allocation of other domestic drudgery. Or on certain nights you get delivery and that is reflected in the finances.

but if you don’t want a man who doesn’t cook that is also totally fair enough!

OH can't/won't cook and after 30 years it's starting to grate a bit. I've never had dinner cooked for me at home

Great in a million and one other ways though so I just focus on them

Everyone can make beans on toast. Food of the Gods, especially with a bit of black pepper on.

He often works late in the city and will either come to mine for leftovers or make pasta with ketchup/ramen/beans on toast/ready meal/frozen pizza. He goes to the gym so you’d think he would care about his nutrition but not at all.

How hard is it season some chicken thighs, potatoes and sautee some greens? I did this when I was 12.

But his go to is def pasta and ketchup

This isn't a deal breaker imo

He can learn to cook

As long as he's right in other ways, there's always restaurants 😄

Don't chuck him away, imo x

I couldn't build a life with someone whose strategic incompetence is so fundamental.

I have a DH that would happily live off cereal, sandwiches and eggs on toast, is an awful cook, but great at washing up.

Have you tried cooking together?

But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

But he cannot cook won't learn to cook properly in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

I have corrected that for you. IMO people who "can't" cook use it as an excuse for not cooking because they don't want to cook. It's weaponised incompetence.

Some people can cook but don’t cook (exh was perfectly capable but didn’t bother so there’s no difference really.)

It sounds like he’s not even interested much in food if he eats the things you mention? Does he go out and enjoy meals?

I went out with someone who would go all day and only eat an apple and he lived next door to a Spar 😐 It was hard to be with a person who didn’t really enjoy food.

Based on what you say I would find it irritating.

I just don’t think he cares to cook

My father in law has never cooked a meal in his life. He's reached 70 years of age and somehow always had a woman to cook for him. I can. see it winds his wife up never getting a break. I'd find it very unappealing personally....just the incompetence/lack of effort

I'm sure it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for some people, but it would be for me, and sounds like it might be for you?

Can you be very honest with him and tell him to get himself on some cooking course if he wants to stay in the relationship?

I say this as someone currently dating a chef - I couldn't cope with someone making me pasta and ketchup!

We often eat out and he enjoys a variety of food. He’s not one of those people who just aren’t interested in food

If he can read, he can cook. He’s just lazy.

I couldn’t cook at all when me and my partner got together. He’s an amazing cook and we would often cook together and he’d teach me at the same time.

It took me a while to get the confidence to actually cook solo as I was so worried about doing it wrong and it tasting awful. Now I love cooking and do most of the cooking for us!

Maybe you could give that a go and help build his confidence. You’ll find out pretty quickly if he genuinely wants to learn.

He’s not even making an effort to have a go is he? I could forgive a few burnt efforts at the beginning.
If he can hold a responsible job then he can follow a recipe
Even my 3 boys tried hard at around the age of 7.
i think you need to say how unattractive you find it( him!)
YANBU

will he cook with you? like you tell him what to chop and when to chuck it in the pan? or as someone else suggested, recipe boxes which come with everything and step by step instructions.

honestly, I can see both sides. I wouldn't want to do all the cooking but equally I would feel very demotivated to cook for someone who thought "How hard is it season some chicken thighs, potatoes and sautee some greens? I did this when I was 12."
it is hard when you don't know how to make seasoning, how long chicken thighs or potatoes need to cook, how to prepare the greens and you have someone who does know these things judging your efforts, however nicely they're doing it.

Serious chat time. Tell him it’s potentially a deal breaker and see what he says.