In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

[Packse]

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

It works both ways, you could say the op is not prioritising her partner’s wishes.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

I don't expect someone to be an excellent cook, but they should be able to make a few basic meals (think fajitas, stir fry, basic pasta dish and something thrown into the slow cooker) if pasta and ketchup was all someone could come up with I would struggle. Yes they could buy takeaway/ready meals/take me out so I didn't have to cook every night, but it would also put the pressure on me to cook a nutritious meal when it was just turn/we were skint/had guests round.

He just doesn’t want to.

my DP doesn’t love cooking but early in our relationship made the effort to seek out recipes and we made stuff together as fun date nights.

we have kids and admittedly the fancy meals (lasagne, curry, pie etc.) are all me, but pasta, rice, mash, home made pizzas using the pre-made dough etc. he’s all over it and that’s good enough with kids.

We still make some of the meals we trialed in our early relationship for our own date nights too as they’re a bit spicy for the kids and it’s nice to do things together.

personally, someone who ate noodles with tomato sauce would be a massive ick.

I see lots of people are saying you’re unreasonable but I think it all depends on wether he CAN’T or WON’T cook.

My husband could cook at about the same level when we met at 28 (think a packet of tortellini boiled up and eaten plain).

However he’d never had to learn to cook (military). He now enjoys cooking and will often be the chef when we have guests, as well as finding great pleasure in exploring new recipes and cooking them together with a glass of wine.

So it’s not all lost if the will is there!

This. But to be honest op sounds like she has contempt for this guy which to me is the death knell for any relationship.

Changing a plug is incredibly simple! As is checking your car's tyre pressures, oil, water, coolant and screen wash! There is no woman in the country, absent cognitive issues, who could not do those things by following instructions. It's easier than cooking as there's no judgement about the level of heat or the level of browning/done-ness. It's just 'unscrew something, put something in, screw it back up'!

I haven't changed a plug for decades. They come wired nowadays.

My dh, who has a brain the size of a planet, has issues changing light bulbs and was caught looking for the nail scissors to make a hole in a tube of ointment. Just not wired practically enough to invert the lid.

Oddly enough, I had to change a plug a few weeks ago, having not done so for many years! Just to be on the safe side, I checked with Google that I'd remembered correctly!

Tbh I haven't tried to change a plug since we learned in school, and I don't have a car (my impracticality is such that the idea of me driving it is actually a bit scary). I have tried to put up shelves though and it was even more disastrous than trying to cook.

My DH doesn’t cook bar the beige food out the freezer or something into the microwave.

I love cooking and I resign myself to the fact that this is my main household task. DH does ALL of the cleaning and I feel it’s a fair trade off

We only learned to wire plugs back then because appliances often came without them. Now all appliances come with plugs, so it’s not a skill anyone’s likely to need much in their everyday life. Unlike cooking.

I feel like this would be a crazy reason to ditch an otherwise great guy, but then I've always dated men who can't cook. I do all of the cooking and they do all of the washing up.

Not the same though is it?

Him prioritising her wishes shares the load. Her prioritising his wishes places more work on her.

Whereas being with a man who never cooks and leaves it all to me would be my idea of an awful relationship not matter what his other qualities were.

Opposite for me. I think it's crazy to date men who won't cook, especially to consider marriage and children with them.

The point was that anyone can do it if they read the instructions. They might not know how to do it at the start, but it's extremely simple when you have the instructions in front of you.

It's refusing to consider learning how to do it that's ridiculous, and the poster I was responding to was adamant that she couldn't possibly do it, despite being highly intelligent.

Absolutely this is the most ridiculous argument. It’s exactly what abusive men say - eg when you repeatedly nag me to do 15 mins of parenting a week, you are making my home uncomfortable to live in and not respecting my need for downtime. Anyone’s wishes in a marriage come after they start being fair about the load.

I don’t enjoy cooking so I just - don’t cook. But I can cook, and would never expect a partner to do all the cooking for me, or think it was ok to serve low quality meals night after night because I was ok with it.

Cooking is a daily chore, it really isn’t one you can trade out for forever. This is not like I hate mowing so I’ll do some other occasional doesn’t matter if not done to schedule task you don’t like instead.

And if there’s kids in the plan, they need to be able to feed their kids (if not themselves) if you are away periodically.

Conversation is needed. Action to correct is required. But otherwise I’d not be looking to move in with him, or have kids with him no matter how great he is at other things.

My husband of 20 years cannot cook. Over the years he has had to learn a few dishes for the kids but he hates cooking and has no interest in it. He is the most wonderful husband and father and very skillful. I always say he could build me a house from scratch but couldn't feed me. Whenever I've had enough cooking, he takes me out or we get a takeaway. And he always tidies up and does the dishes. If I went back to when we started going out, I wouldn't change a thing. He's a wonderful man and if that's the worse thing about him, I can live with it. It's definitely not a deal breaker in the slightest!

But you see @rubyorca, I don't find cooking a chore. I find it relaxing, soothing and quite creative. The kitchen is mine, I chose everything in it, and I like being there. DH paid for it.

Only as we have got older, do I worry about DH not cooking. If I were tondie first, I worry that he wouldn't look after himself properly.

DH was up front when we got together - 36 years ago. He doesn't cook, clean or shop. He pays, and always has, the cleaner, gardener, odd job man, window cleaner, etc.

If you can read and you can eat then you can cook by following a recipe.

Wow I couldn't be with him
My husband shares the cooking and I'm so glad. We have two young kids and there's definitely been times where he's taking the dinner making load on more than me as I'm just so worn out
Do not have children with this man child

I agree. However, I've always said it helps if you grew up in a home where you were taught to look at the marbling in a piece of beef, at the thickness and colour of a chop, if you have the confidence to choose a piece of beef at the butcher and watch him Mince it.

If you know what the consistency of shortcrust should be when the fat's rubbed in and know when to add a little more fat, flour or liquid. When the recipe says, two eggs and yiu look at yours and think, these are small/large and adjust accordingly. When your Victoria sponge is lighter than light because you used duck eggs - they are a secret weapon in a cake!

The thing that made me a good cook was my grannie having an Aga. I learnt to know when things were cooked by smell not time as there was a warm oven and a hotter oven. No temperature. Crap for baking but she had an electric cooker for that - and the summer!

My DH was never there for the children's tea time. He left the house at 6.45 and returned at 9.30 from the age of 30 to 55!

On the rare occasion I wasn't there, and he was on duty, he took the children out. We had a Tootsies and Carluccios within minutes

That’s fine occasionally, although for most families it takes away the easy option for you budget wise, as you can only afford to get to carluccios for dinner so often, so it’s pretty selfish. What if you wanted a job that meant he had to do more dinners? What if you were seriously ill? He just has to also spend £100s a week buying dinners? I can’t respect a man who can’t parent his own children.