In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

[Packse]

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

I've been married for 25 years to a man who can't cook/won't cook. He has never cooked a meal in all that time. When I've been ill I've still cooked, even if I'm not eating. He has absolutely no interest. He says if he wasn't with me he'd just order takeaways or snack, he still wouldn't cook. It's very frustrating - I would love someone to bring me a meal.

OP you're in a better position than me - DH wouldn't know the first thing to do with an egg, scrambled or otherwise!

Unless I've missed a msg OP it doesnt sound like you've spoken to him? Just dropped hints?

If food is your love language, I'm not sure how compatible you are. You could probably make him learn at least some basic cooking, but you can't make him genuinely care about it.

I don't think I could marry someone who eats pasta and ketchup! That's gross 🤮

It sounds like he's just not that bothered about good food. If you're serious about a future with him, I would make it clear that he is going to have to learn to cook a range of basic dishes - shepherd's pie, sausage and mash, pasta bake etc because you are not going to spend the rest of your life doing all the cooking. I know women who cook and freeze meals for their husbands if they go away 🙄 it's ridiculous! Cooking isn't hard, following a recipe isn't beyond any competent adult. If you have children, he needs to be able to prepare decent nutritious meals for them. I think you need to talk to him seriously and tell him how you feel!

YANBU. Stick to your guns. Tell him that for 3 months every other date should be him cooking you a simple but nutritious meal. Start with something basic like an omelette or a salad.

You are 1000% right. This is basic adulting and he cannot be expected to be taken seriously with a pasta con ketchup signature dish.

I taught myself how to do these things living independently at 18. There is ZERO reason why he cannot teach himself. The lack of motivation and the expectation that some woman will be along to do the job so why bother learning is a massive turn off. There is just zero excuse.

Urgh massive turn off for me.
Also ridiculous, every competent adult can cook, so many easy recipes to follow online or in a basic cookery book.
Yes some people have more of a flair for it than others, and enjoy it more, but not being able to scramble eggs is just nonsense.
If you marry him you will be the one cooking every meal because he “can’t” - nip it in the bud now

Any pan as long as it's clean.

Medium heat. The flame is halfway between barely on and blasting away. If it gets loud and spits when you add the meat, turn it down a bit. A gentle sssss sound is fine. Kind of like trundling along at 30 rather than foot to the floor.

Probably. You don't need much, though, just a couple of teaspoons worth, like if you were adding a bit of 3-in-1 oil to help a windscreen wiper assembly or a hinge move freely. It's just to stop it sticking to the bottom of the pan as much.

Salt and pepper's fine.

It's done when it doesn't look like a bit of a dead animal and poking at it feels more like the palm of your hand at the base of your thumb (the fleshy bit) than poking at it when it came out of the packet. If it's a whole chicken breast, you'll see the colour turn from pink to a whitish colour from the bottom where it's touching the pan - when the whitish bit is more or less halfway up, use a spoon/egg flipper/fork to turn it over to cook the other side. This is easier to do if you've used a bit of oil to stop it sticking.

If you cut it up into bits beforehand, you'll get the idea of what cooked looks like without finding raw/pink/slimy bits in the middle. Having a medium burner helps this, as too high will mean it cooks (and burns) on the outside before the inside gets a chance to cook.

I'd suggest you then put the cooked chicken on a plate with half a bag of mixed salad leaves and some mayonnaise. Or if you have a tin of potatoes, heat them up in a saucepan or a bowl in the microwave for a couple of minutes until they're hot.

Not expecting you to do it, but in case you ever do feel the urge to try...

Only you know if it's a deal breaker.
I don't cook. I can cook (wouldn't say I'm a great cook at all but I can cook) but i have no interest in it whatsoever and therefore i seldom do. My husband cooks pretty much all the meals. I cook sometimes for the children of course but when it comes to adult meals he is in charge. He is happy with that set up. I do loads of things he doesn't enjoy doing. It's about splitting the duties surely. Cooking is definitely not my way to show love. It's his. So it works for us.

With cheddar too though???

I know what you mean on the love of those half dozen crap meals. DH is a pretty good cook but since starting my diet we have different meals, so he has reverted to his awful favourites.

Sometimes, like tonight he cooks both. He made me an amazing Kimchi Jjigae Korean spicy cabbage stew but cooked himself mince, onions and pasta covered in cheese.

Ooh, no. 🤣

Cheddar is for cheese on toast. With a bit of Worcester sauce 👍

What would be in it for him?

He gets decent meals cooked for him by you, and I'm sure there's more to the relationship than that.

Sorry, but he is fine with the idea of you doing the cooking in this relationship.

Rule of thumb - when frying, use a frying pan.
Frying requires oil - a couple of tablespoons.
Always start on low to medium heat to prevent spitting and burning.
Check the interior of fried meats for doneness by using a meat thermometer, or poke a hole to check for pinkness. Pink interior means 'needs to cook longer'.

Seasoning means salt, pepper, steak seasoning, cumin, chili powder, paprika - basically any spice or herb ground up.

Herbs can also be termed seasoning. They're not usually used to season a fried dish. You would add herbs to a sauce for flavour.

Aromatics are onions, garlic, celery, sometimes peppers and carrots. They can be fried.
Herbs can also be called aromatics. They add flavour and aroma.

A restaurant is a good idea - you can bring leftovers home and refrigerate them.

To ensure good health, though, would you consider a basic cooking course or consulting a dietician?

HelloFresh or Gousto etc., leave him to it, don’t get involved. These are fool-proof recipes and a great way to start, then he’ll develop the skills and confidence to improvise. This is a surmountable hurdle esp. as you otherwise think he’s great - but he needs to know that you’re not his personal chef 👩‍🍳! 😐

@CanadianJohn how lovely, you're going to get lots of help here!

Esp as OP has disappeared for the time being anyhow

I hear you although mandatory for my beans..Raise your Worcester sauce to mango chutney for cheese on toast 😋

For me the deal breaker would be if he didn't know how to clean the house. I only do cleaning if I've been working from home and need to clear up after workmen or my DH is away. As far as cooking is concerned, he can and does but mostly I do with his able assistance. He does always make breakfast though and generally does any washing up. Works for me.

Upthread, some mentioned that not cooking is pure laziness. No it isn't, in my opinion. I'm just not interested, in the same way my wife had no interest in home repair or auto maintenance. In 47 years together my wife never touched a hammer, or a paintbrush, or even put petrol in the car, let alone checked the oil.

But it's not 'lazy", it's disinterest. I've got one offspring (in his 50's) who is very interested in gardening, and grows his own vegetables. Another offspring lives in a townhouse, and wouldn't know which end of a spade is which.

And "non-cooks" not relying on a woman to cook for them, as someone implied. When I was in hospital, getting a variety of meals every day, I didn't know or care if the kitchen staff were male, female, or Martians.

My diet is actually pretty healthy, cereal, fruit. I try to keep my sweet tooth under control. I don't consume enough protein, and drink a protein supplement, when I remember.

Sorry for all the babbling.

Pasta with KETCHUP? Bleurgh…..
Utterly tragic. He would have to be in charge of the dishes for ever, else it’s no go.

I can barely cook, DH cooks all our meals.

Pasta with ketchup that’s revolting. I would try teaching him spag bol. If he gets it great.

if he is reluctant or puts no effort in it would be a serious ick from me

I married a man who could barely cook and it is so draining. He wasnt as experimental as your bloke though so no ketchup noodles.

He can now now do a few meals, none of which I particulalry like (pizza, jacket pots, sausages etc.). Im currently doing the online food shop and it is painful... Im beginning to hate food tbh. Its the mental load that does it for me.

It’s in no way comparable to ‘auto maintenance’ or DIY. Auto maintenance and DIY are occasional. It’s certainly easy to do them, but it’s equally easy to pay someone to do them, because they’re not a daily thing, like eating. Growing your own vegetables is only necessary if you aren’t able to access them elsewhere. You need to eat every day. Several times. Which involves cooking, unless you live on raw food or ready meals.

Don't resign yourself to always being the cook in a relationship.

He's being strategically incompetent.

If he wanted to he would and he isn't so therefore he doesn't actually want to, and thus far in his life has not had a need to apparently.