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Original poster

In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

346 replies

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:39

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 27/03/2025 17:52

I don't particularly like cooking but I'd be happy to do it if my partner took care of other things.

I assume you don't live together. The real test is whether he's equally incompetent in other areas. if he can't clean, shop or wash clothes, I'd let him go.

Original poster
Packse · 27/03/2025 17:54

Maitri108 · 27/03/2025 17:52

I don't particularly like cooking but I'd be happy to do it if my partner took care of other things.

I assume you don't live together. The real test is whether he's equally incompetent in other areas. if he can't clean, shop or wash clothes, I'd let him go.

He’s extremely organised and clean. Has all his shoes lined up in his cupboard.

We’re at that stage where we are thinking of moving in and I just don’t want to waste my or his time.

OP posts:
Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 27/03/2025 17:55

I’m not quite at the level of your DP, but generally if there’s anything more than the absolute basic of boiling pasta or chopping veg involved, my DH is in charge.
He won’t drive, so I won’t cook. We are both avoiding something we hate, safe in the knowledge that the other is picking up the slack, so nobody gets resentful. He gets a chauffeur, I get a chef, both happy.
can you come up with a similar deal?

TISagoodday · 27/03/2025 17:55

Does he want to/ think he should learn?
If so fair enough not a deal breaker as long as he actually does learn.
If he doesn't want to/think he should it's an absolute no for me.
I've just had a baby and my husband has cooked uncomplainingly around 90% of the meals in the first six weeks. This has meant I've been nourished, 5 year olds been looked after and he's happy too and baby and me could get breastfeeding properly established. I've started cooking again now I can manage but I know he happily would if I couldn't.
Couldn't imagine doing postpartum with a man who wouldn't/couldn't step up and do that.

Zofloramummy · 27/03/2025 17:55

You need to look forward, what happens when you are ill/ been up all night with a newborn/ are really tired, is he going to make you a Pot Noodle?

What is he like with other basic domestic tasks? Does he do his own laundry and cleaning?

What happens in his parent’s home? Who does everything there? That will be the model he unconsciously emulates.

Maitri108 · 27/03/2025 17:56

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:54

He’s extremely organised and clean. Has all his shoes lined up in his cupboard.

We’re at that stage where we are thinking of moving in and I just don’t want to waste my or his time.

Edited
Show quote history

I would see what he's like to live with. The dating scene is dire, I'd be loathe to let someone go because he can't cook.

If he pulls his weight at home and does some other daily tasks eg cleans the kitchen and washes up after you cook, then I wouldn't be hasty.

Minnie798 · 27/03/2025 17:57

I don't cook, it's boring. That's one of dps household jobs.
If I was ever in a new relationship, I wouldn't ever be cooking a meal for us whilst they sat on the sofa with a glass of wine. So If that was their expectation, we wouldn't be compatible. You should probably talk to him about it as it sounds like it may be a deal breaker for you.

BatchCookBabe · 27/03/2025 17:57

I agree with the posters saying he could cook if he wanted to, but he CBA. He has you, why should he learn?

TheAmusedQuail · 27/03/2025 17:57

25 years ago my bf couldn't cook. 15 years of marriage. No cooking. Now married to his 2nd wife. Still can't cook. Never cooks.

They don't change.

BatchCookBabe · 27/03/2025 17:58

Minnie798 · 27/03/2025 17:57

I don't cook, it's boring. That's one of dps household jobs.
If I was ever in a new relationship, I wouldn't ever be cooking a meal for us whilst they sat on the sofa with a glass of wine. So If that was their expectation, we wouldn't be compatible. You should probably talk to him about it as it sounds like it may be a deal breaker for you.

This. I fucking hate cooking, and if I got a new partner (ever) I would never be cooking for them. I have done the cooking for the 30-ish years DH and I have been together. They can be 'the cook.' If they don't want to be, then the relationship isn't going to work. That said, I would 100% be on my own if me and DH split/if he died.

Original poster
Packse · 27/03/2025 18:01

Both my brothers and dad cook. One brother in particular was shit when we were younger but my mum gave him recipes he had to make (she withheld lifts or something similar if he didn’t comply - can’t fully remember). He ended up loving it. His curries are now the best in the family now.

It can be done. I just don’t want it to have to come from me. I’m not his mum.

OP posts:
Jennifershuffles · 27/03/2025 18:02

Wasn't a deal breaker for me. DH is excellent at ordering takeaway and during a year of him being the SAHP he did very well at providing lots of fruit, microwaving frozen peas and putting beige stuff in the oven, he also managed to master pasta with jarred sauces and ready made meat balls. The kids loved it 😂
Relationships are about compromise.
After we got married we went to Thailand where he learned to like Thai food & we did a cooking class together, which taught him some basics (he'd never cracked an egg before).
Is your bloke great in other ways? Mine is! I'd just take him to a class with you - he should want to impress you!

olderbutwiser · 27/03/2025 18:03

The really dealbreaker is whether you can live with someone who understands what an issue it is for you but cba to do anything about it. Does he know you are reconsidering your future because of this?

DH can’t cook, but we have a very happy arrangement where I cook and make as much mess as I like and he clears up. If I cba to cook we scavenge separately or get a takeaway or similar. Similarly I manage finances, he does 90% of the laundry. Etc etc. But that might not be for you.

Original poster
Packse · 27/03/2025 18:05

I would so resent someone putting in something beige and frozen with a side of frozen veg. I don’t enjoy those types of meals. I enjoy having a nice meal at the end of the day. I’m not talking three course meals or anything. A vodka pasta sauce takes mins. Roast drumsticks and a salad with bread even.

OP posts:
WinterSun20 · 27/03/2025 18:05

It's a tough one because tbh I don't cook and so my dh does it all. But it works for us because I do the majority share of housework (and more childcare) so it's a bit of a trade. How is your bf with other 'domestic' stuff? If he's useless with cleaning etc... too it will be a recipe (excuse the cooking pun!) for disaster if you have kids together.

BTW, I can cook more than your boyfriend, I'm just not great at it and I just loathe it! But I could step up if I needed to.

Wendy83 · 27/03/2025 18:06

What about a HelloFresh or Gousto subscription for just say two meals a week to start with.
It's literally foolproof

Createausername1970 · 27/03/2025 18:08

My DH isn't that bad, his problem is he takes too long to do one thing, something else is boiling over and he starts to panic.

I think I would have a chat and say that you don't particularly relish doing all the cooking all the time, and how does he envisage feeding you if you are unwell, nursing etc., so you would like to do something about it now.

Whether that is evening classes (DH and I were contemplating going to the curry cooking course), meal boxes, or you showing him how to do some basic stuff, its up to the two of you.

But I think I would think twice about ditching someone who is otherwise great over one thing.

Barney16 · 27/03/2025 18:08

My partner can't cook. He microwaves the unmicrowaveable. Upside is I cook everything I like to eat. Every meal is a favourite. Seriously though he can learn, anyone can follow a recipe.

Pigeonqueen · 27/03/2025 18:09

Hmmm going against the grain this wouldn’t really bother me if he was good at pulling his weight in other ways. When I met dh he could cook one meal- some fancy spicy noodle thing, which was good to be fair, but I quickly realised apart from toast that was all he could make. I’m the sort of person that is very organised; can’t stand other people in the kitchen and like to do the cooking so 18 years later we’ve just had the arrangement where I cook everything. And that’s fine with me. He does other stuff like the gardening, equally pitches in with the dc, will happily put stuff away / tidy up etc. He just can’t cook. The kids actually laugh about it now, they’re older / teens, there’s been times when I’ve been in hospital for things and he’s had to step up; and he has, happily but they’ve all laughed about some of the weird shit Dads cooked in his time…!

I guess it depends how important it is to you really.

Meadowfinch · 27/03/2025 18:09

I have a certain amount of sympathy with him.

At 30, I had no interest in cooking. I loved food from restaurants, but at home, a pork pie and some cherry tomatoes would do. Or beans on toast. Or a cheese sandwich. There were so many other things I wanted to do.

30 years later I cook from scratch every night.

You are at different stages of maturity. Talk to him, but don't be surprised if he doesn't respond.

Hatty65 · 27/03/2025 18:10

Unless he is also illiterate then he can cook.

If you can read, you can cook. It's not hugely difficult.

Deathinparadisefan · 27/03/2025 18:10

I think I would give him the elbow. If a man doesn’t tick that particular box for you, then he’s no good. He really must conform, as all men should.

wordler · 27/03/2025 18:10

You should have this conversation with him as one part of the moving in together conversation. There maybe things you do or don’t do that he’d like to broach too.

Either that or first try getting him both a recipe box subscription plus cooking lessons for his next birthday/christmas and see if he gets the hint.

223Sunshine · 27/03/2025 18:11

Personally that would be a deal breaker.

Cooking isn't just that 30 mins of putting some pasta on the stove - you become the default meal planner, always thinking of what's in the fridge, what we need from the shop etc. And on a Sunday morning I don't want a takeaway. I want my DH to make me some eggs on toast and it's the stuff of dreams. We alternate so we both get nice lie ins. I can't imagine having to get up every Saturday and Sunday morning to cook breakfast.

I have a baby who we are weaning now. Let me tell you, there's a lot of cooking involved. Especially if you give a flying fuck about your child's health.

SpanThatWorld · 27/03/2025 18:13

My husband doesn't cook. He is happy to eat the same half dozen crap meals every night of his life. Food is fuel to him. I'm not sure he has taste buds given the crap that he will cheerfully ingest. But he doesn't expect me to cook so...

We've been married over 20 years. He has other good points.