In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

[Packse]

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

Exactly.

There's no such thing as 'Can't cook'.

There's only 'I can't be arsed to learn'.

I have a baby who we are weaning now. Let me tell you, there's a lot of cooking involved.

Wait until they get to fussy toddler stage. Unless they’re addicted to star fruit you’ll be happy to get chicken nuggets or eggy soldiers into them.

That's not a Get Out Of Cooking Jail Free Card. What if your relationship moves on to marriage and children, and he decides he doesn't care to change nappies? He doesn't care to do night feeds? He doesn't care to do the school run? He doesn't care to nurse them when they're sick? Or the blatantly obvious - he doesn't care to do anything at all because that's what he married you for?

If you are now "talking about kids/marriage", then a discussion about cooking needs to be on the table too. Heavy on the 'if you leave me to do all the cooking, it will inevitably cause resentment and we won't last'.

"He keeps saying he wants to learn but he’s been saying that since the day I met him"
Then he needs to deliver. NEEDS TO.

Actually, it’s something I could live with if I didn’t have to clean up after. Like, ever. No dishes, no cleaning the kitchen, no mopping of the floor, cleaning the oven, etc.

If he can read he can follow a recipe, it's just a set of instructions after all. But why should he bother what you keep doing it all.......

Is it not? My husband can read, he can’t however chop, stir, lift a pan, kettle or baking tray. He can’t read a roasting dish out of the oven.

If he can read he can cook. No way would I contemplate a relationship with someone who is so lazy he thinks ramen or pasta and ketchup (ketchup???) are normal things to put into your body. DH does all the cooking here when he’s not away, because he loves it and is very good, but I’m a perfectly competent cook when he’s not, plus I bake. If DH and DS are away, I will probably do something very simple, like roast an aubergine and eat it with tahini, or make a salad with halloumi and grilled vegetables, but I’m basic, not incompetent.

I’m assuming he has a disability. The OP doesn’t suggest her boyfriend has one.

You don't even have to read to be able to cook.

There are literally millions of video tutorials on the internet.

You’re saying if someone can read they can cook.

It’s not that he can’t. He does not want to learn.

So either accept you will be sole cook or find somebody else.

A man who doesn’t cook is a dealbreaker for me…but I would be fine with one who doesn’t do laundry. For example.

Ok. Someone who can read, and doesn’t have a physical disability that restricts their movement or fine motor coordination, can cook.

If he pulls his weight in other ways, eg cleaning or tidying, is it really a dealbreaker? Do you think you’re going to find someone who does everything he does AND cooks? Sorry but perfect doesn’t exist. Don’t you think there might be one or two things he wishes that in a perfect world you might do/not do?! All this “oh but my love language is X” nonsense. Is this man going to hold your hair back as you vomit with morning sickness? Is he going to hold your hand at the hospital when you have to register the death of a parent? Is he going to say “I’ll take the baby, go to bed” when you’re exhausted? Is he going to pick you up at 3am when you’ve accidentally stayed out too late with your friends? Are you going to do all that for him (except the sick maybe)?

If you’ve found someone who ticks every box but one, AND he’s ready to put up with commit to you, and you’re 30, wanting kids etc, then really why are you contemplating dumping him? Sounds a bit silly to me.

It's not exactly hard to follow a recipe. Assuming he can read there is no excuse at all. If he won't make the effort then it sounds like a typical case of weaponised incompetence.

If this is a dealbreaker for you, you need to tell him. My husband can’t cook and is not interested in learning. He has tried and has cooked with me a few times but it’s just not something he cares to do. He makes salads for himself and will roast chicken thighs or fresh fish in the oven for the kids when I travel but that’s about it. I do most of the cooking for the family. It’s not a deal breaker for me as he does other stuff I can’t stand (like laundry) so it works for us. But you need to speak up and see how he reacts (in terms of taking action). You also need to decide if you are ready to leave if nothing improves.

Which is true. The world is full of cookery books and recipes, which are written instructions on how to make a specific dish. So go on, enlighten us - what stops your able-to-read husband from reading and following a written list of instructions?

My husband couldnt cook when we first got married at 30. I taught him, and he now loves it. We share cooking 50/50, and he’s very good at it.
if you don’t want to teach him, have him try a basic recipe on something like bbc good food, and remind him YouTube is his friend.

From the earlier post I'd say disabilities are stopping his partner.

He can’t read a roasting tray out of an oven, he can’t read a full saucepan to drain it, he can’t rean an onion, carrot, potato etc to chop it up, he can’t read a tinopener to open a tin.

This!

Don't be facetious, you know perfectly well what she meant.

OP, it's a lifetime of the mental load of food, not just the act of cooking, if you let that stand. It's bloody relentless, especially should you have children.

The first thing my kid said about going to university was "bloody hell, being an adult is all about meals, isn't it? It's deciding what to eat, going out to buy ingredients, cooking, washing up after, then having to do it all again for the next meal and the next. We didn't know how easy we had it!"

(And this was someone who voluntarily cooked meals at home before going to uni)

The meal planning and budgeting, the shopping and the cooking will all fall on you and if you aren't happy for that to happen, address it now.

My bil did exactly this and it was very successful.

I am always fascinated when I hear of people who cannot cook.
Growing up it was just a basic life skill. I had never met or heard of somebody who could not cook till I went to university. I was dumbfounded.

Dump him if doesn't learn soon, it will get tiring after a few years when you know if you want a decent meal you'll have to cook it yourself. Trust me.

I don't cook. My cooking ability when I met DP was roughly what your boyfriend's is. I still wouldn't know what to do with chicken thighs really.

The "it's as simple as following a recipe" crew fail to understand that for people who can't cook, recipes always somehow go wrong. Being able to cook is having the knowledge, technique and equipment to get it back on track. I'm also extremely cack-handed, which is a very undesirable trait in the kitchen, especially if you value your fingers.

If you don't have the knowledge base, the store cupboard of basics and the best equipment, teaching yourself to cook is just going to be a very expensive, very time-consuming, very stressful uphill struggle, and not everyone is up for that.

DP loves cooking, which is just as well. He does 90% of it but we've still managed to make it an important part of our relationship - when he cooks I'll be in the kitchen too, chatting and putting on tunes and clearing up as he goes along. And sometimes even doing one of the cooking tasks that I can actually do competently. I've picked up a lot of the "intuitive" stuff that goes on in cooking - it's easier to learn by observation than out of a book. I even have a tiny repertoire of my own simple dishes now. I wouldn't say DP taught me in any deliberate way but your absolute refusal to "teach" your boyfriend is weird - the best way he'll learn is by example, especially in a day-to-day setting (ie not a cookery school doing fancy shmancy meals) and that example has to be you.

However I still really, really hate cooking - ultimately the process stresses me out whereas it relaxes DP. Some people are just good in the kitchen and some people are not, and you need to decide if this is a deal-breaker. It may indeed not get better.