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AIBU?

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Original poster

In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

346 replies

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:39

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

OP posts:
Bluedenimdoglover · 27/03/2025 18:27

My husband tried cooking when we first got together. I soon took the reins back! He liked to "experiment" with tried and trusted recipes resulting in meals I could not stomach. I'm not a fussy eater, but some of the concoctions were awful! I've gladly cooked for 30+ years, as well as working FT.
You can try teaching him, but if he's not a willing learner, it depends on what you are prepared to accept.

JustSawJohnny · 27/03/2025 18:28

Christ, a bloody chimp could scramble an egg!

Sounds like he's playing on it so you step in and cook.

I wouldn't be marrying/having kids with someone with such crappy life skills. He needs to understand just how much work he's expecting someone else to do for him.

Can you encourage him to sign up to a cookery course? Or at least watch a few basic cooking vids on youtube and give it a bloody go!

He doesn't get to just opt out of such a basic life necessity!

meganorks · 27/03/2025 18:30

YANBU to feel that way. But I think you just need to have an honest conversation along the lines of what you've said here - we can't move in together until you start doing some proper cooking. I'm not going to spend my future doing all the cooking.

I know you've said you don't want to teach him. And I get it. But maybe you could start cooking together at the weekends? After work (especially if he works late) isn't a good time. Maybe 1 meal each weekend with some kind of deadline for when he just cooks something on his own. It can be really overwhelming to do something when you have no clue (particularly if the other person does!)

I wouldn't bother if he was useless in other ways, but this seems to be the only thing.

Snorlaxo · 27/03/2025 18:30

I learned to cook more than stir fry (ready chopped veg, sauce sachet etc) when we decided to become parents. There’s lots of good books and videos out there but you obviously need practice to become better.
A lot of gym goers are on social media making their meal prep for the week. I would suggest that you’re happy to cook with him in the hope that he improves from pasta and ketchup. It’s daunting when you start but if kids and long term future are on the horizon, it’s a necessary basic skill and as you say, surprisingly easy

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/03/2025 18:30

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 27/03/2025 18:21

If he pulls his weight in other ways, eg cleaning or tidying, is it really a dealbreaker? Do you think you’re going to find someone who does everything he does AND cooks? Sorry but perfect doesn’t exist. Don’t you think there might be one or two things he wishes that in a perfect world you might do/not do?! All this “oh but my love language is X” nonsense. Is this man going to hold your hair back as you vomit with morning sickness? Is he going to hold your hand at the hospital when you have to register the death of a parent? Is he going to say “I’ll take the baby, go to bed” when you’re exhausted? Is he going to pick you up at 3am when you’ve accidentally stayed out too late with your friends? Are you going to do all that for him (except the sick maybe)?

If you’ve found someone who ticks every box but one, AND he’s ready to put up with commit to you, and you’re 30, wanting kids etc, then really why are you contemplating dumping him? Sounds a bit silly to me.

Cooking is basic. Expecting a grown man to cook is far from expecting perfection.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/03/2025 18:31

Honestly, I wouldn’t have made it a year. Refusing to cook as an adult is pathetic.

WoodyOwl · 27/03/2025 18:31

Rubbish! If you can read, you can follow a recipe. It isn't rocket science - most things the recipe is basically chop X, put in pan, stir. Or even simpler - chop X and put in oven until timer goes beep.

JHound · 27/03/2025 18:31

gannett · 27/03/2025 18:27

I don't cook. My cooking ability when I met DP was roughly what your boyfriend's is. I still wouldn't know what to do with chicken thighs really.

The "it's as simple as following a recipe" crew fail to understand that for people who can't cook, recipes always somehow go wrong. Being able to cook is having the knowledge, technique and equipment to get it back on track. I'm also extremely cack-handed, which is a very undesirable trait in the kitchen, especially if you value your fingers.

If you don't have the knowledge base, the store cupboard of basics and the best equipment, teaching yourself to cook is just going to be a very expensive, very time-consuming, very stressful uphill struggle, and not everyone is up for that.

DP loves cooking, which is just as well. He does 90% of it but we've still managed to make it an important part of our relationship - when he cooks I'll be in the kitchen too, chatting and putting on tunes and clearing up as he goes along. And sometimes even doing one of the cooking tasks that I can actually do competently. I've picked up a lot of the "intuitive" stuff that goes on in cooking - it's easier to learn by observation than out of a book. I even have a tiny repertoire of my own simple dishes now. I wouldn't say DP taught me in any deliberate way but your absolute refusal to "teach" your boyfriend is weird - the best way he'll learn is by example, especially in a day-to-day setting (ie not a cookery school doing fancy shmancy meals) and that example has to be you.

However I still really, really hate cooking - ultimately the process stresses me out whereas it relaxes DP. Some people are just good in the kitchen and some people are not, and you need to decide if this is a deal-breaker. It may indeed not get better.

It works if one of you loves it but what if one hates it and one can’t?

JHound · 27/03/2025 18:32

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/03/2025 18:30

Cooking is basic. Expecting a grown man to cook is far from expecting perfection.

Show quote history

Yep. To me it’s like a man who is perfect “except” he has poor hygiene. For me that one flaw is insurmountable.

Like a man who cannot cook.

gannett · 27/03/2025 18:34

JHound · 27/03/2025 18:31

It works if one of you loves it but what if one hates it and one can’t?

Show quote history

I doubt the relationship would have gone anywhere in that case.

bookwormcrazy · 27/03/2025 18:34

I am 13 years down the line into a relationship with someone who “can’t” cook. I can count on one hand the number of times he has and has messed it up every time - even the simplest of things. I am sure he doesn’t on purpose to me to prove he can’t cook.

I can’t lie - I am quite resentful of it now. Especially after a hard day of work and always being the one expected to cook or we don’t eat.

ItGhoul · 27/03/2025 18:34

If I was dating a man who couldn't cook, and I thought he was worth the effort, I'd be inclined to teach him how to cook. Just sending someone recipes isn't always useful if someone has literally never cooked; people need to be shown the basics or cook alongside someone.

If he's been happy to eat pasta and ketchup or ramen noodles every night, or eat out or get takeaways, then he's never had the need to learn. It's only now that he's in a relationship with you and things could progress to moving in that it's actually become an issue that he can't cook.

If being unable to cook was essentially someone's only failing, then I wouldn't split with them over that, provided they were willing for me to show them some basic cooking skills and contributed other things to the running of the house. I love cooking, though. DP can cook, but I still cook almost all our meals because I enjoy it. In return, DP does all the laundry.

For me, being a fussy eater would be a dealbreaker but being unable to cook wouldn't be a barrier. I couldn't live with a picky eater!

Bluedenimdoglover · 27/03/2025 18:35

Park on the road outside your drive. If they can't get in, they can ask their neighbour to move the van which is obstructing their access. Eventually the neighbour with the van should get the hint.

ShiiiiiiiiiitDinosaur · 27/03/2025 18:35

He’s a big man baby who deserves to be thrown back. Pathetic.

PeloMom · 27/03/2025 18:35

I have a 6 yr old boy who’s more capable. It’d be a deal breaker for me ( but also I highly care about nutrition and tasty food)

FiftynFooked · 27/03/2025 18:36

My DH was the same when we met, but has evolved. He started with ready meals and pre-prepared vegetables or salads, moved to things like bolognese, curry or chilli using packet mixes and jarred sauces. He now cooks our 3 Hello Fresh meals a week. I’m happy with that. He’ll never do a roast dinner or cook something from scratch but similarly doesn’t just chuck beige food in the air fryer. It’s enough to take the pressure from me to cook all our meals and we’re still eating nutritious and healthy food.

Sifflet · 27/03/2025 18:36

JHound · 27/03/2025 18:32

Yep. To me it’s like a man who is perfect “except” he has poor hygiene. For me that one flaw is insurmountable.

Like a man who cannot cook.

Show quote history

Exactly. It’s like him being clever, funny, kind, good-looking, solvent — but with halitosis you could smell from outer space.

ShiiiiiiiiiitDinosaur · 27/03/2025 18:37

bookwormcrazy · 27/03/2025 18:34

I am 13 years down the line into a relationship with someone who “can’t” cook. I can count on one hand the number of times he has and has messed it up every time - even the simplest of things. I am sure he doesn’t on purpose to me to prove he can’t cook.

I can’t lie - I am quite resentful of it now. Especially after a hard day of work and always being the one expected to cook or we don’t eat.

Because it’s pathetic you are justified in your resentment.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/03/2025 18:38

Simonjt · 27/03/2025 18:24

He can’t read a roasting tray out of an oven, he can’t read a full saucepan to drain it, he can’t rean an onion, carrot, potato etc to chop it up, he can’t read a tinopener to open a tin.

Show quote history

He CAN read the instruction to remove a roasting tray from the oven and do so, he can read the instruction to drain a saucepan and do so, he read the instruction to chop an onion, carrot, potato etc and do so, he can look at a tin and know he has to open it to get the contents out.

So, stop playing word games and explain why your husband can read but can't cook.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/03/2025 18:38

JHound · 27/03/2025 18:32

Yep. To me it’s like a man who is perfect “except” he has poor hygiene. For me that one flaw is insurmountable.

Like a man who cannot cook.

Show quote history

Exactly.

He also clearly doesn’t want to learn, he’s just saying that to try and keep OP interested.

C152 · 27/03/2025 18:38

Well he's never going to change then, is he? He's supposed to still be in the stage of trying to impress you. If he can't be bothered making the effort now, he's never going to. If this is a deal breaker for you, then don't move in together.

stanleypops66 · 27/03/2025 18:39

My dh dislikes cooking but I do like it. My dc don’t even like it when he makes toast as he doesn’t toast it enough and doesn’t put the butter out to the corners.

anyway, he does 80% of cleaning including all the laundry, hovering, mopping, dishwasher and DIY so as long as your dp pulls his weight in other ways I don’t see the issue.

Hellskitchen24 · 27/03/2025 18:39

I’d find it incredibly unattractive so yes it would be a deal breaker for me.

TheShadowOfTheWizard · 27/03/2025 18:43

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:54

He’s extremely organised and clean. Has all his shoes lined up in his cupboard.

We’re at that stage where we are thinking of moving in and I just don’t want to waste my or his time.

Edited
Show quote history

Just say - I'm not prepared to cook 100%of meals and can't live on frozen pizza and beans on toast. See his response. If he doesn't take you seriously, tell him you can't move in together until he learns to share the cooking load.

AmpleHazelSheep · 27/03/2025 18:44

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years a few weeks ago over this. Similar situation, doesn’t want to cook and no interest in learning, takeaways for every meal etc. I wouldn’t have minded as much if he actually did other things around the house but I realised I was doing all the shopping, meal planning, cooking and cleaning and he was sitting on his bum criticising. The final nail in the coffin was about a month ago when he came in from work and I’d bought in sirloin steaks (his favourite), cooked them alongside bourbon glazed carrots, truffle mashed potato and garlic mushrooms and he didn’t even thank me, just complained that the mushrooms weren’t as nice as last time I’d made them and asked if I was happy with the meal (implication being it wasn’t up to standard…) so if your DP is good in other ways I’d put up with it but do ask yourself how much of the mental load you are taking on and whether it’s proportionate.