In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

[Packse]

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

It's unlikely to change as he sounds determined not to cook unless it's pasta with ketchup, ffs. So you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

An astonishing amount of women just accept this. I'm surprised by that, but fair enough if they're happy with the division of labour. My friend cooks all the meals because he husband "can't" and they have a meal out or takeaway once a week so she gets a (single) break. They have a child and if she goes out he just chucks freezer food in the oven. She justifies it because he does all the laundry and driving (she can't drive) and she has also delegated all present wrapping to him, which was quite an impressive move.

Even so, I would absolutely hate it. It would be a dealbreaker for me. We share cooking. I quite enjoy my cooking nights, not least because I know next night it's his turn and I can enjoy sitting on the sofa, spending more time chatting to our daughter about school etc. The thing about cooking is that it's an every day task. It's not like putting the bins out (10 mins once a week) or putting up shelves (once a year?) I would burn with resentment at coming home from work and cooking every single night while my husband parked his selfish arse in the sofa waiting for me to serve him.

Pasta in ketchup indicates he has no interest or love of food as well as being useless in the kitchen. I don’t think that would work for me. My DH is pretty useless at cooking but he loves food / dining out and is appreciative of my efforts in the kitchen. For me, if I couldn’t enjoy food and dining out with my partner that would be a reason to end a relationship, food/cooking/eating is a huge thing for me.

Dh isn't and amazing cook, I knew this when I met him and he lived on ready meals and tray food BUT he is amazing in so many other ways.

I do most of the cooking, I'm OK with that as I enjoy it but i do ask him to cook a meal which includes veg twice a week. It might be chicken burger and chips with corn on the cob and salad, but under pressure (from the kids who like variety) he has learnt a basic curry, spag bol and shepherd's pie recipe.

But the fact is he doesn't enjoy it so it will always be fairly simple basic food and I'm OK with that.

You can't change him, he you have to accept him broadly as he is, or try to reach a compromise that you're both happy with. If he's reached this age with these cooking habits he's unlikely to change that drastically, you just have to decide if his other qualities make it worth staying

My DP is not a natural cook: he has no natural flair for it, finds it difficult and is a bit "frightened" of it. He's autistic and can't do spontaneity at all so its something that doesn't come easily and he has to have everything planned and pre-prepared. He also grew up in a chaotic family environment where everything came out of the freezer or from the chip shop so he doesn't really understand ingredients and how they work together.

He will never be Marco Pierre White and he'll never be able to hold a candle to me in the kitchen. But he's taught himself, slowly and methodically, to cook about a dozen meals competently and he cooks about a third of the meals in our household. It still stresses him out and he can't go off piste or experiment at aand I still do it far better and enjoy it more. But he does it.

There is simply no excuse for someone to absent themselves from something so critical to healthy, normal family life. If my DP can learn, anyone can learn.

You don't have to pull together something elaborate, you just have to follow a few recipes a few times that they stick in your head and stick at it. Anyone can do this is they think its important enough.

It might be chicken burger and chips with corn on the cob and salad, but under pressure (from the kids who like variety) he has learnt a basic curry, spag bol and shepherd's pie recipe.

That's cordon bleu compared to OP's bloke.

And "you can't change him" is defeatist, sexist stuff, that allows men to get away with murder.
Of course she can. And you and your kids have changed your partner.

She just has to lay it on the line. 'I am not taking all the responsibility for cooking. You're going to help in the kitchen'

Sounds like he just doesn't care about cooking. It is not about him not knowing how. Anyone who can read, can cook. There are hundreds of stuff you just sling in the oven.

You need to tell him that this whole not cooking thing might be a dealbrsker since you're not willing to be the family cook. Is he happy to feed his kids just spaghetti, will he be doing children's lunches?

There are some compromise solutions like on his cooking days he gets ready meals. I don't mean microwavable ones but my grocery shop does home made meatballs and mash and sidesalad type things that you can buy separately and make it into a meal. When you cook, you double the amount and have it yourself and he can make his own etc.

Or you accept cooking will be your chore and in return he will do vacuuming, dishes, lawn and laundry as his chore.

She can't change him DRASTICALLY is what i said. If the OPs love language is having a glass of wine while someone cooks her a fancy meal, he is unlikely to get there, but it depends how much he values the relationship and what effort he is willing to make.

I disagree that saying someone can't change is sexist. Personally, I want to be in a relationship with someone who accepts me for who I am, and who I can accept for who they are. Low level feedback is fine, for example asking my DH to cook twice a week as we have kids and they have needs is (imo) but knowing who someone is at the start but trying and hoping you can change someone is a recipe for disaster in my experience, personally I'd rather continue looking for someone who is a better match, than try to fix someone, but that's just me

Yes I am the same. I just have no real interest in cooking and happy to buy many ready meals or kits to feed us.

so I always ensure food is in and do the shopping. We do meal kits together sometimes , I do all timings of things. Lots of Deliveroo as many different local
options of many cuisines.

i also do all washing and dishwashing stuff. If he left then I’d just have toast /ready meals. I’m happy if he wants to “cook” but not fussed either way what I eat.

So we share who “provides” the meal but standards vary of what we produce. (No kids and never will)

He doesn’t cook because he doesn’t want to. It’s not a priority for him it seems. I’m pretty sure if he valued you enough, he would have made an effort in this area. Actions speak louder than words. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do with this

This is hilarious. There is always one person who contrasts the once in a blue moon task of auto repair (which most people outsource anyway) with the daily task of cooking 😂

Upthread, some mentioned that not cooking is pure laziness. No it isn't, in my opinion. I'm just not interested, in the same way my wife had no interest in home repair or auto maintenance. In 47 years together my wife never touched a hammer, or a paintbrush, or even put petrol in the car, let alone checked the oil.

But you don't have to do those things 3 times a day in order to live? And think about what food to buy, budget, etc etc.

My FIL doesn't cook. She was ill last week and I got a text from her to say 'please for the love of god will you go shopping for us - he went out and bought 2 oranges, some ham and a 4 pack of hot cross buns for the week - I'm starving!'.

They've been married 60 years - she's fed up to the back teeth with cooking for them every day.

Yes, and claims their diet of fruit, cereal and protein shakes is ‘healthy’. Of course you’re lazy, @CanadianJohn. You’ve just decided that your wife not doing DIY legitimates it.

Also I would feel really shitty if I was in a relationship with a man, there was a daily activity that they had to do each day, everyday, sometimes multiple times a day while I shrugged and watched.

Only you can know what you dealbreakers are. Everybody’s are different. The only way I could fathom being with a man who never cooked is if he did all other domestic and emotional labour. And I mean all of it. That’s how much I hate cooking and would resent having a partner who left it all to me.

I do much of my own DIY. I recently had to sort the piping for my washing machine and could not be asked to call my handy man again. I also had to construct some shelving. So two instances in 5 months.

Ask me how many times I have had to cook over the same period…..!

My husband is a fairly useless cook and could only make toast when we met. He’s still not great and I do the majority of the cooking (which I’m fine with as we share other household jobs quite evenly). Over the years I’ve taught him a few basic things such as pasta with a simple tomato sauce from scratch, scrambled eggs, how to cook veg for the side, etc. that he can make if I’m ill or not around.
He’s a brilliant man, we’ve been happily married for over 20 years and it would have been stupid to bin him because he couldn’t cook.

TLDR Just teach him a few basics and carry on if the relationship is otherwise great.

No you cannot change people. It’s not “defeatist and sexist” to state that. It’s a fact.

It’s stupid advice to convince women that their job is to change a man. THAT is sexist. And is why so many women find themselves in shitty relationships / marriages seething over faults that were there on day one. Only idiots date people hoping they will change.

He may change. But that will be because he wants to.

I think a lot of us didn’t cook ‘proper’ dinners when we were living alone/in house shares, etc. My dinners consisted of salads and bits picked up from the deli on the way home. Or boiled/poached eggs with toast, etc.

Your DP is probably the same, happy to just eat anything, he’s never felt the need to cook a proper dinner. You need to talk to him and say when it’s his turn to cook dinner for your both, you expect something more than pasta and ketchup.

I have zero interest in learning how to cook, it’s just not something that interests me at all. I’ve no interest in food and only eat because it’s necessary to stay alive.

I don't believe anyone "can't cook" Just follow a recipe.

This. I live alone so don't cook much beyond roasting/frying meat and steaming veg, but I could knock up a curry or a pasta dish easily enough if I was entertaining. My speciality at the moment is baking which everyone who samples the output enjoys and that is not because I have some special talent, it is because I simply follow a recipe to the letter and I am rigorous. It is no more difficult than assembling flat pack furniture with the aid of the instructions. You don't have to have the talent of a Michelin star chef to cook a decent meal.

He has no interest in cooking can get by very well without this skill
happy to eat shit
not for me but also I’m a strong believer you accept people faults and all the worse thing you can do is try to mold them into what you want never ends well

It's a deal breaker for me. You will be stuck with ALL the cooking. He's just being lazy. It's not cute or sexy. If you go on to have children your workload will only increase and then the resentment will start to build.

When j met my husband, he could cook pasta and open a jar of sauce, mash potatoes, grill a pork chop and roast a chicken leg. 30 years on he can now cook a fried egg too. I have o problem with it, I am too fussy to eat other people's food anyway and I can't stand the mess and amount of pots for the effort.

And the problem is?

Unfortunately fir many reasons these days a lot of men lack life skills. Yhey are looking for a Mother figure.

Take my advice and let him go. Find soneone a bit more grown up.

Good Luck