In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

[Packse]

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere there's a difference in not being interested and not being able/willing. You shouldn't be having children with someone so useless that they couldn't feed your child, well. Very few people can afford good take-aways, twice a day, for life. The men talked about on this thread can't shop or cook apparently, not even staple meals. That's severe learning difficulty level of functioning.

Not cooking can be remedied-if he wants to learn. Hello Fresh might be his answer, after a short course.
But-would he/is he willing to do/take his turn with all the other household tasks? If not that’s a much bigger turn off.

If there's a very simple task that I can't do, I learn how to do it. Because I'd think less of myself if I, for instance, can't change a plug, or maintain my own car, or put a shelf up. So I learn how to do it.

These aren't simple tasks! People with a knack for practicality seem to think that these practical cookery/maintenance/DIY skills are as easy as reading the instructions and slotting things into place. When I attempt anything practical it feels like a Benny Hill sketch as I put the wrong things together, knock things off the side, have things fall on me and end up breaking whatever it was I was trying to fix.

I'm academically smart, creative, have a great memory and excellent general knowledge. I'm aware none of those are practically useful but we all have different strengths. However I don't go around acting as though everyone should be on my level when it comes to the things I do well.

45 years of marriage and 2 meals cooked - which were inedible! Late husband believed cooking was woman’s work. He was also incredibly fussy about what he ate. If I was going out for a meal without him I would have to cook dinner for him before I left which put a dampener on my evening before it had even started!!

Consequently when he died I had the freedom to eat whatever I wanted - bliss!!

The ketchup thing would be a deal breaker for me. I cannot abide it and just the smell makes me feel sick!!!

It absolutely makes them a lesser person. I’m not interested in coking, but am a perfectly competent cook. It’s a key life skill, feeding yourself and your children, if any — way more important than swimming or driving.

When DH retired from life in the armed service he promised to learn to cook. I bought him a few books but he completely ignored them.
After having extensive and life changing surgery I remember sitting on a chair beside the cooker to try and get something decent to eat. It has affected me very much and has coloured the way I feel about him but it’s all too late now.
Just saying it as it is, I’m not playing the pity card but offering information for you to make an informed decision. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

If he has the basic intelligence required to hold down a job, arrange gym membership, shop for clothes etc then he can cook a basic meal.

it’s not that much of an issue now but if you are thinking of a future and kids with him you should decide now if this will be a deal breaker. What would he feed a toddler? Who would cook Christmas dinner every year? If you were ill what would he cook you?

He can, he just doesn’t want to. Which is absolutely fine when he is single but if he was a father this would be a problem.

Reflecting I think the issue is his poor eating habits as much as anything else.

The principles of cooking are life skills. Making an omelette, boiling an egg, making a white sauce, making pastry/a cake, doing a fry up, confidence using the oven.

MIL passed none of those skills to her children. I love it when mine text or phone to ask - "mum, how did you get that sauce thick for that chicken curry you make" or similar. But they always had good homecooked food and saw me cooking.

@grandame I'm sorry, that's awful. My DH won't cook either, but he'd buy it in.

My DH lived off microwaved jacket potatoes when I first knew him and when we got together he really didn't know how to cook much at all other than packet noodles.

Now he does pretty much all the cooking due to my work hours. He's not as good as me, but I've taught him how to make things or given him recipes to follow. I would be teaching a love of cooking rather than seeing it as teaching basic skills.

You can eat a perfectly healthy diet without doing any proper cooking, though. Sandwiches, salads, soups, toasties, frozen jacket potatoes with various toppings, frozen veggies with your meals etc.

I never cook - all my meals are as above as frankly, I don’t enjoy it and I have better things to do with my time. I’m perfectly healthy, do plenty of exercise and all my blood results always come back perfect with no deficiencies.

Some people put too much emphasis on cooked food when in reality, you don’t need to cook to be healthy and to eat well - it’s a choice.

It sounds like cooking is your passion. Your dad & brothers also cook so you were all socialised to enjoy & embrace cooking. You therefore don't understand why someone wouldn’t want to do it.
It’s worth considering that your partner was maybe brought up differently. He works in the city so sounds like he’s a high achiever. Perhaps academics were his main focus growing up.
He says he wants to cook but hasn’t yet made the effort. It sounds like a confidence thing, not knowing where to start, rather than he can’t be bothered.
This was me. Proudly had a ‘Princess never cooks’ fridge magnet and lived on ready meals. I had beautifully illustrated cookbooks (kitchen ornaments really) which I bought with good intention but was either studying, working, or socialising so never had time to learn.
The odd occasion when I had a go never quite turned out well, even though I followed the recipe to the dot. It then felt like time & money wasted.
However, like your partner, despite the ready meals I really did appreciate good food and loved eating out. I also envied people who cooked well but thought it was beyond me.
I decided to do a 12 week Indian cookery course at my local college and I was transformed. This is where my passion for cooking began. For a person with no skills/confidence it was so much easier to be taught than to follow a recipe. Over the years I built up my skills.
That was 20 years ago. The satisfaction of being able to cook from scratch, be creative with flavours or just to do the basics is a great sense of achievement for me (no longer the Princess who never cooks😄) I love cooking whether everyday stuff or hosting a dinner party.
So, maybe find him a few classes to attend. Indian is a good place to start, not too faffy & usually one pot stuff to begin. Some restaurants offer cooking lessons so worth looking into🥰

I think it depends on the attitude of the non-cook.

If they are appreciative of your cooking, generally grateful, make occasional attempts to produce something edible, tell you that they will help you meal plan/shop/clear up, or whatever it takes to make cooking every day a little bit more bearable and pick up the slack elsewhere, then not being able to cook isn't a deal breaker. There are several things I just can't do, despite many attempts to learn without ruining everything.

If they act as though cooking is 'women's work' or generally beneath them, they are fussy and will only eat certain things, don't think there's any need for them to ever be in the kitchen and won't even listen if you try to meal plan with them - that's binning time.

I had an XP who couldn't cook. All his food was beige and 'heated up' rather than cooked. He had no interest in food, any time he tried 'proper cooking' it was a disaster. But he was hugely practical and could sort stuff that baffled my brain.

If he won’t bother to try for your sake when he knows it is what you would like I don’t think he is prioritising your relationship.
He doesn’t need to be an expert and could easily get some confidence via recipie boxes, a course or just watching you and writing down what to do so that he can reproduce it next time.

The odd occasion when I had a go never quite turned out well, even though I followed the recipe to the dot. It then felt like time & money wasted.

The "anyone who can read can cook" crew never seem to comprehend how common this is. It still happens whenever I try! Like you I love food but I still haven't got to your point of being able to make good food myself.

You are being a bit snobby have you asked why he can't cook. My cousin was the same he parents gave he instant mash so never saw basic cooking growing up. It's didn't take much to get her going just a few rounds in the kitchen answering questions and sent her to Jamie's Oliver's easy meals she go so into it.

Not being able to cook absolutely doesn't make someone a lesser person.

It's possible to be a decent human being, good mother/father/partner who's not able to cook.

People have different strengths and interests.

A friend lives on a handful rotation of microwave meals.
She's a healthy 70 year old civil engineer who has three degrees, plays two instruments, does cold water swimming every morning & always pushes herself in the things that interest her.
She's a kind, respectful and humble person.

She's certainly not lesser than myself just because I can cook.

Yep, I think it's a bit disingenuous to just say "well, if you can read, you can cook" - cooking is a skill like any other. I mean, there's a reason why Michelin star restaurants are booked out weeks in advance - because there's huge skill and talent involved.

And yes, I know cooking for a family isn't the same as being a Michelin star chef, but it still requires skills - time-keeping, patience, ability to follow a recipe and adapt when you've run out of X or haven't got enough Y. If you're cooking for multiple people, you often have to adapt for taste or whatever too.

I can cook and was taught from a young age but I find it mind-numbingly dull and would never do it out of choice. Luckily DH has no interest in it either (and we don't have children) so we can just fend for ourselves, which is perfect.

So OP has the option not to marry him, like I said in my post.

He doesn't see the need as he's happy eating pasta, boiled eggs, noodles etc.
Maybe doesn't want to learn for her but may well do in future.

Unfortunately, sometimes it's just not the right person to change for.

I've known men who didn't seem ready for marriage, but went on to be that & more for someone else.

That's the point though, she doesn't have to be with him, which was her question.
It's clearly important to OP, but not to her partner.

I doubt people who can't cook, let their kids die of malnutrition if the cooking parent dies/they divorce.

There are people who can cook but can't be bothered and feed their kids macdonalds and all sorts of rubbish.

It's all relative.

He is who he is, presumably the man you love, and he doesn't want to learn to cook. He doesn't like cooking. Why should he, if it isn't his thing? He's survived this far without becoming Jamie Oliver.

If it is so important to you that you won't accept pasta and tomato sauce or something beige and frozen on 'his' food prep night, then you need to consider your choices: a) walking away b) accepting him for who he is and his limitations in the kitchen c) accept that on his night if you won't eat what he's wants to prepare, it's your joint eating out night or your joint Deliveroo night d) you will, for now at least, always be cook.

In the meantime I agree with the suggestions that you could both together do a cookery course, or both together do the meal prep and cooking. Use it as your 'date night'.

Could you cook together? That way you can support him to learn - it can be a lonely experience starting something new on your own. If it’s such big thing in your relationship , at least you’ll know you’ve tried everything them.

He's 30 and you've noticed that he cannot cook at all. What other life maintenance stuffs is he bereft of? Cleaning, wiping surfaces, vacuuming? This is not someone who's going to do his share around the house - been waited on hand and foot until now. I'm surprised you find him attractive but then, a healthy, able bodied adult sitting around waiting to be looked after doesn't do it for me.

Someone who has been claiming to want to learn for a year but has not lifted a finger to get started is not a good prospect (and that's not even taking into account the anal neatness). Red flags.

I mean, my DH is a crap cook, god bless him, but he knows the kids need feeding so he can buy a roast chicken and do some rice and broccoli to go with it. You can eat well without cooking. The pasta and ketchup stuff is just grim.

yes agree with others; weaponised incompetence and I bet that’ll show in other ways too over once living together with future family; can’t get the baby to sleep, don’t know how to iron, don’t know where stuff goes, doesn’t know how to garden, doesn’t know what days the bins go out, doesn’t know the school parents so can’t liase with them, doesn’t know what size the children are so can’t be involved with buying school uniforms/shoes/sports kit, don’t know what doctors we’re registered at, don’t know children’s dates of birth can’t make an appointment anyway etc etc etc
No thanks 🤷🏽‍♀️

DH and I don’t like cooking and have a tiny kitchen, we are both happy with eating out once a week, one takeaway a week, a couple of ready meals, ready cooked chicken, salads, nice breads, eggs in all their forms, jacket potatoes,frozen veg,cold meats, smoked salmon, pizza etc.
Too much faffing around for us to slave over a meal so not everyone enjoys it.
we should all be allowed to eat what we like imo.