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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a relationship with a man who can’t cook AT ALL

346 replies

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:39

I am really enjoying a year long relationship. We get on great, he’s attractive, kind and relatively successful. But he cannot cook in the slightest. It’s actually such a turn off. We are both 30 yo.

For dinner he will make ramen or pasta with ketchup 🤢. Not even a jar of tomato sauce with a grating of Parmesan. He boils eggs as he can’t even scramble them. We’ve been talking about kids/marriage. And tbh I would be hugely resentful if I had to cook every meal. I am a very competent cook and it’s definitely a love language of mine. Sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine whilst someone cooks you a delicious meal is my idea of heaven

He’s pretty great in every other way. But I don’t want to teach anyone basic life skills. And I don’t see him taking the initiative.

Is it a no go? Or just a compromise I have to make.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 28/03/2025 22:53

rwalker · 28/03/2025 21:19

Why would he need a mother figure he’s more than happy to eat a ready meal ,eat out or pasta and tomato sauce

Some people have zero interest in food and just see food (any food ) as fuel

quite patronising to refer to him as needs to grow up because he has zero interest in food or cooking

we are all different

Edited
Show quote history

If he wants to have a relationship that involves getting married and having children then he certainly needs to grow up. Unless he thinks he can feed his children nothing but pasta and ready meals.

saraclara · 28/03/2025 23:01

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 28/03/2025 22:31

Where’s his self respect? Seriously! I’m not trying to be be mean. To not be able to prepare basic food like a scrambled egg - even if it’s 5 incredibly simple dishes on repeat - as an adult is pathetic! Is he expecting a woman to do it for him, like a helpless child?

That's how I feel about it. I mean, if a man is incapable of actually feeding himself properly, and is happy to be completely lacking in the simplest of skills, I just can't respect him and I don't know how he can respect himself.

If there's a very simple task that I can't do, I learn how to do it. Because I'd think less of myself if I, for instance, can't change a plug, or maintain my own car, or put a shelf up. So I learn how to do it.

And it's just as well, because I'm now widowed and my kids have flown the nest, so I need an those independence skills.

Assuming that most men want to feel, to some degree, 'manly', why on earth would they make themselves so incapable?

AnOldCynic · 28/03/2025 23:06

I’m surprised you’ve lasted a year. I hope the sex is very, very good…

TheDogsMother · 28/03/2025 23:07

Anyone who can read can also cook so he can’t be arsed. DH is also like this but because he does another zillion things around the home I can live with it. We play to our strengths.

Foodoverload · 28/03/2025 23:09

My DP of 3 years doesn’t want cook. He can but is not good at it or enjoys it. We don’t live together and I cook all meals when we are together. I like to cook from scratch and I am a confident cook. I love trying new things.

he is not adventurous and turns out not a confident cook. When we are apart he lives off of takeaways or ready meals.

but he has started to cook and try new things. Some are jar sauces and others an experiment. Turns out he wasn’t confident and thought I wouldn’t eat it. His experiments are interesting and terrible but effort and I smile and eat it like it’s the best food ever. He also has started to try lots of new foods.

would encouragement work?

PippEmma · 28/03/2025 23:20

28 years and not one meal cooked for me....... although when I was ill in bed with flu he did switch the heater on in the kitchen so it would be warm when I cooked his tea🤔

Jaehee · 28/03/2025 23:22

Watching someone eat pasta with ketchup would make me feel sick. I would bin him off for that alone.

Jaehee · 28/03/2025 23:22

Foodoverload · 28/03/2025 23:09

My DP of 3 years doesn’t want cook. He can but is not good at it or enjoys it. We don’t live together and I cook all meals when we are together. I like to cook from scratch and I am a confident cook. I love trying new things.

he is not adventurous and turns out not a confident cook. When we are apart he lives off of takeaways or ready meals.

but he has started to cook and try new things. Some are jar sauces and others an experiment. Turns out he wasn’t confident and thought I wouldn’t eat it. His experiments are interesting and terrible but effort and I smile and eat it like it’s the best food ever. He also has started to try lots of new foods.

would encouragement work?

I had to re-read that to check you weren't talking about your three year old DC.

BlackForestCake · 28/03/2025 23:23

It's 2025, we have air fryers, chicken thighs are EASIER than pasta with ketchup.

fiveIsNewOne · 28/03/2025 23:23

So, have you told him it doesn't work for you? Sending recepies doesn't count.

I'm not sure I understand your problem - he can prepare small dinners like beans on toast, there is nothing wrong with cooked eggs, and frozen veg is a valid veg.
If you would enjoy tinned tomato sauce significantly more than ketchup, use your words.

I suppose, the question is, do you love him? If yes, communicate about your needs and preferences, and fix this one small thing together.
If you don't, don't bother moving together no matter if he starts cooking better curries than your brother does.

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/03/2025 23:52

PippEmma · 28/03/2025 23:20

28 years and not one meal cooked for me....... although when I was ill in bed with flu he did switch the heater on in the kitchen so it would be warm when I cooked his tea🤔

He couldn't even manage a takeaway or a ready meal when you were ill in bed?

What a prince.

BlueFlowers5 · 29/03/2025 00:25

One of my DB can't/won't learn to cook. He gets takeaways every night.
My son however knew how to cook a roast dinner from the age of 18.
It's an important aspect of family life.

PorridgeEater · 29/03/2025 00:26

My partner can't cook, apart from cheese on toast (which I've much enjoyed!). I'm not interested in cooking, just do very simple things - tried Hello Fresh but didn't like it. But he can buy delicious birthday cakes, can mend things and we've survived somehow. Too busy to worry about it.

LalaPaloosa2024 · 29/03/2025 06:11

My father is like this. Never cooked a meal for the family or prepared even a sandwich. He sits on his backside while my mother serves him. He expects to be served by other women too.

To be fair to him, he did do a lot of housework and did all the ironing. But no cooking. I remember my mother going away one night when I was very young, maybe 7. He tried to scramble eggs and he couldn’t do it. Burnt little balls of egg bits.

It’s all part of a deliberate weaponised incompetence to avoid doing it. Without a wife/servant to do it, these men would learn pretty quickly how to cook.

I’m with you. Sitting and talking to a partner while they cook for you is lovely. If this man won’t learn a few basics, then I’d walk away of you are not up for a lifetime of serving him.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 29/03/2025 06:56

Packse · 27/03/2025 17:47

He often works late in the city and will either come to mine for leftovers or make pasta with ketchup/ramen/beans on toast/ready meal/frozen pizza. He goes to the gym so you’d think he would care about his nutrition but not at all.

How hard is it season some chicken thighs, potatoes and sautee some greens? I did this when I was 12.

But his go to is def pasta and ketchup

Edited

See, i can do that with chicken, potatoes and greens BUT after being at work, i dont want to stand in the kitchen cooking, then having to lean up everything
Frozen pizza, ramen, frozen meal - easy, fast and no mess
I hate cooking, like despise it, its messy, boring, tedious and kills my appetite

Pasta and ketchup is odd, id go butter and parm as lazy pasta personally

Cooking isnt everyones thing. Only you can decide if you ok with that.
If im 'cooking' its take out night or super easy meal night which DH is ok with
He is the cook in the family

LlynTegid · 29/03/2025 07:01

I think it's more that after a year of saying he wants to learn, he has not seemingly tried to start. This indicates to me that anything else new or difficult he may avoid in future.

NormasArse · 29/03/2025 07:22

I do the cooking in our house; DH does the cleaning.

For me, that’s a great trade off, so it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker. I get nights off when we go out for dinner, and we probably get takeaway once a fortnight.

But if pushed, he does have a small repertoire of dishes.

Endthisshit · 29/03/2025 07:27

Does he enjoy, really enjoy food? Ive been married with wife for 30plus years, she pretended to be interested in food and cooking when we met. It was a lie. It took years for me to realise, she never said “actually i only like kfc, McDonald’s kebabs etc, which is what she eats 4/5 times a week now. I look back and realise I was blinded by love, I so wish I had addressed this early in our relationship, we dont even sit and eat together anymore or at least extremely rarely she hasn’t gone out for a meal in decades, occasionally will come for a lunch but under protest and usually ruins it because she really doesn’t want to go. Good luck, hope he actually likes food!

Sorbetto · 29/03/2025 07:32

Depends how important it is to you personally. I get the love language thing for sure I would miss that terribly

I’m a real foodie and had an ex like this when I tried to suggest we cooked together he was so disinterested he suggest I cook for myself and he eat a ready meal! Binned him on the spot.

try to see if he will cook with you? Or do a course together of a type of food you know he likes and that you would like to learn more about ? There’s loads of great cooks who do one on ones

now happily married for 10 years to a fellow foodie and it’s glorious to be cooked for by someone who shares the passion

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 29/03/2025 07:53

@Ponoka7 I couldn't respect the men that many are describing on here.

Just the men.... what about the women who are saying they just aren't interested in cooking either?

Some countries have staple meals every single day and survive just fine.

Not everyone is a foodie, for some it's nourishment and for others it's an experience.

OP isn't compatible with her partner if it's a deal breaker, but it doesn't make him a lesser person.

If DH tried to teach me the stuff I have no interest in, he'd be wasting his time.

minnienono · 29/03/2025 07:59

My ex learned at 46 to cook and has since apologised for taking my cooking for granted (realising it takes time and effort) and has cooked for me when I was picking up stuff clearing the house out! You tube videos helped at first for absolute basics (you need to know what sauté is before you can do it!) then hello fresh got his confidence which I sent him a free trial box of to get him onto it finally when I had switch to Gousto myself I sent him a trial box of that which is slightly less basic. He’s since done a mens cookery course and dd tells me his meals are good

saraclara · 29/03/2025 08:02

If DH tried to teach me the stuff I have no interest in, he'd be wasting his time.

Are those things fundamental to life or caring for others, though?

If you have kids, both partners need to have the ability to cook meals. If anything happened to one parent, those children need to be fed, and reasonably well, not on pasta and tomato ketchup.

I couldn't be with someone who refused to gain the skills to be able to do that.

hellotomrw · 29/03/2025 08:21

This would be a deal breaker for me even without kids. But I have two and my husband does half the cooking we wouldnt have survived if I had to make every dinner absolutely ridiculous to not have bothered to learn to cook by age 30

2Rebecca · 29/03/2025 08:26

I couldn’t live with a man who refused to learn to cook and who had so little interest in nice food

Daftypants · 29/03/2025 08:38

Some meals can be a bit “ stressy “ to make !
And if he is the type of man who likes things tidy / neat / organised then it might well be difficult for him .
Somethings need careful timing , something else could be boiling over / burning while you attend to preparing another ingredient.
He needs to build up a bit of confidence and have a small repertoire of dishes he can easily make so that if you’re very busy or ill you don’t need to completely rely on takeaway / ready meals .
Even if you’re then main cook so long as he contributes to deciding what to eat and getting the food shop done then that is ok