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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be daunted at being a single mum again.?

224 replies

MediterraneanHouse · 27/03/2025 15:03

Just found out I’m pregnant yesterday. I’m 29 with a 7 year old. My mum said she’ll help out as much as possible which I’m really grateful for.

The baby is due late September/October.. I’d got down to a Size 8 at Xmas and now I found out I’m pregnant!

I was 22 when I had my daughter and although I had my mum’s support it’s really hard being a single mum. AIBU to feel daunted 2nd time around?

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/03/2025 21:24

Agree, single mums are the acceptable punching bag du jour, and I'm sick of it

Women can have sex with whomever they please, as long as they're grown up enough to deal with the consequences

It sounds like both of the parents are. This baby will be wanted and loved

aCatCalledFawkes · 27/03/2025 21:27

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:22

Really? You can't see the difference? Wow.

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Yes thats right. I do not see you as more special than other single mums.

Playmobil4Eva · 27/03/2025 21:28

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:24

That if you're going to shag someone that you're not in a relationship with, getting pregnant, especially when you already have a young child by a different man, is less than ideal. I can't believe that I'm having to spell that out to adults!

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You seem to not understand that families come in all shapes and sizes.

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:30

Playmobil4Eva · 27/03/2025 21:28

You seem to not understand that families come in all shapes and sizes.

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You seem to not understand that popping out babies when you're in no position to do so is just plain daft. But hey, you do you!

Bex5490 · 27/03/2025 21:30

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:24

That if you're going to shag someone that you're not in a relationship with, getting pregnant, especially when you already have a young child by a different man, is less than ideal. I can't believe that I'm having to spell that out to adults!

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So why were your choices to have kids with a man that you clearly weren’t suited to so much better?

Which I’m not judging you for but I’m just not understanding (unless for religious reasons) you think your choices were so superior…

Blueeyedmale · 27/03/2025 21:32

Wow some of the comments on here are nasty and judgemental the sex was consensual.from the op she is happy she wants the child the dad is happy about it.its not for us to lay judgement how children are conceived if it's through consent.

Many children are born into loving homes and raised by single parents and turn out just fine.we all come into this world because of women,nobody would exist if it wasn't for women be it single, married and divorced.

What's important in this is the child gets a loving home and hopefully the dad will still feel the same when the child is born.if not she has support from her mum and the child will be provided with the love and care it needs.

Every child has the opportunity to succeed and as a society we need to stop with the judgement of single parents.

Congratulations op on your pregnancy and all the best for the future

Playmobil4Eva · 27/03/2025 21:33

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:30

You seem to not understand that popping out babies when you're in no position to do so is just plain daft. But hey, you do you!

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How is she not in a position to do so? You do not know her financial situation. You do not know her housing situation. You know nothing about her.

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:33

aCatCalledFawkes · 27/03/2025 21:27

Yes thats right. I do not see you as more special than other single mums.

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I have never said that I am more special. I have said repeatedly that having a baby when you're in no position to do so is plain daft. Pregnancy should be a planned and discussed decision prior to conception. Does that clarify for you?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/03/2025 21:37

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:33

I have never said that I am more special. I have said repeatedly that having a baby when you're in no position to do so is plain daft. Pregnancy should be a planned and discussed decision prior to conception. Does that clarify for you?

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It's women like you that give women like me (responsible adult, divorced from my children's father and both have the same dad) a bad name.

Bex5490 · 27/03/2025 21:38

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:33

I have never said that I am more special. I have said repeatedly that having a baby when you're in no position to do so is plain daft. Pregnancy should be a planned and discussed decision prior to conception. Does that clarify for you?

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So does ‘not in a position’ to you just mean not in a relationship? Or not married?

Or is it financially ‘not in a position’?

Ultimately, you have no idea that OP isn’t financially secure. No idea that she doesn’t have a good relationship with her ex - solid enough to co-parent amicably and successfully.

All you know is that she’s not in a relationship with the father.

I think your strong opinions on the subject may stem more from a desire to feel like the ‘good single mum.’ Your judgement probably makes you feel better about the decisions you made which led to you being a single parent.

But each to their own. Whatever makes you feel good I guess…

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:38

Bex5490 · 27/03/2025 21:30

So why were your choices to have kids with a man that you clearly weren’t suited to so much better?

Which I’m not judging you for but I’m just not understanding (unless for religious reasons) you think your choices were so superior…

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Because at the time of my children's conception, I was married and both my children have the same father. The divorce was less to do with not being suited, we're still great mates, and more to do with his undiagnosed ASD and me not being able to cope with that, two babies and a demanding full time job being honest. But, to answer your question, if you can't see that's a better set of circumstances to bring a child into than a quick shag with the ex, there really is no hope!

Gogogo12345 · 27/03/2025 21:39

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:33

I have never said that I am more special. I have said repeatedly that having a baby when you're in no position to do so is plain daft. Pregnancy should be a planned and discussed decision prior to conception. Does that clarify for you?

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Only for single parents or is it ok for a married couple to have an accidental pregnancy?

Personally I don't see it's any worse for a child to grow up from birth in a single parent household with a father they also spend time with than to be born ( planned); to a married couple and have to deal with a nasty split a few years down the line

pleasepackitin · 27/03/2025 21:40

@TheSnootiestFoxGet over it. Shit happens. Main thing is the op has support around her. Most babies are not planned it doesn’t mean they’re being born to shit mothers and fathers. Also, stop blaming the woman here!! It takes two.

User5274959 · 27/03/2025 21:43

Sorry I agree, this sounds at best made up, and at worse a bit silly to possibly have unprotected sex (although accidents can happen of course) with someone you're not in a relationship with, and tell everyone including your 7yo the "day after" you find out you're pregnant.
I hope it's the former to be honest!

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:44

Bex5490 · 27/03/2025 21:38

So does ‘not in a position’ to you just mean not in a relationship? Or not married?

Or is it financially ‘not in a position’?

Ultimately, you have no idea that OP isn’t financially secure. No idea that she doesn’t have a good relationship with her ex - solid enough to co-parent amicably and successfully.

All you know is that she’s not in a relationship with the father.

I think your strong opinions on the subject may stem more from a desire to feel like the ‘good single mum.’ Your judgement probably makes you feel better about the decisions you made which led to you being a single parent.

But each to their own. Whatever makes you feel good I guess…

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Oh my Good Lord. See my comment above for details of my decisions. There's no good and bad single parents, just good and bad parents and having another baby that's unplanned when you've already got one child by a different man is, in my opinion and I'm entitled to it, just batshit. Am bowing out now so I wish the OP (and her kids) the best of luck and hope that she fits back in her jeans as speedily as possible!

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:50

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/03/2025 21:37

It's women like you that give women like me (responsible adult, divorced from my children's father and both have the same dad) a bad name.

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I will just respond to this though - yes, @mumofoneAlonebutokay that's my point. I've never said that I'm special, just that some women making poor decisions about pregnancy leads to this stigma surrounding single mums that so many of you have objected to this evening. I genuinely don't understand how that's lost on you. Anyway, enjoy the debate, Question Time and cheese on toast is calling me!

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/03/2025 21:58

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:50

I will just respond to this though - yes, @mumofoneAlonebutokay that's my point. I've never said that I'm special, just that some women making poor decisions about pregnancy leads to this stigma surrounding single mums that so many of you have objected to this evening. I genuinely don't understand how that's lost on you. Anyway, enjoy the debate, Question Time and cheese on toast is calling me!

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But by your own logic, you should've been prepared for the demanding nature of your full time job and husband, before having his child not once but twice

Your comments make it seem like you think that there is a single mum hierarchy

You're not alone, other mums feel the same, usually to make themselves feel better "oh I may be a single mum, but at least I haven't done this..."

It's a shame. A single mum has enough bigotry and stigma to deal with.

No word from anyone about the ex who got the op pregnant, and his life choices

Areyouserioushuh · 27/03/2025 22:07

Iv got two kids with two men both who sodded off. At least your children have fathers they will/do see. Its only going to be daunting if you had zero support whatsoever, i havezero support...its terrible!!!

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 22:12

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/03/2025 21:58

But by your own logic, you should've been prepared for the demanding nature of your full time job and husband, before having his child not once but twice

Your comments make it seem like you think that there is a single mum hierarchy

You're not alone, other mums feel the same, usually to make themselves feel better "oh I may be a single mum, but at least I haven't done this..."

It's a shame. A single mum has enough bigotry and stigma to deal with.

No word from anyone about the ex who got the op pregnant, and his life choices

Show quote history

Job and kids fine. ND husband not coping with the pressures of a family and assaulting me in front of the kids, not fine, plus I didn't realise he was ND at the time. Of course I had to leave.

I'm lucky as I actually don't see much bigotry on a dally basis as I'm secure in my life choices, have kids that are repeatedly referred to as a credit to me and I still use my married name for convenience so nobody even realises I'm a lone parent. But, it's always at the back of my mind that I need to make sure the kids don't suffer for my choices and to begin your life being conceived by mistake to a mother more bothered about how she looks than a baby being born into less than ideal circumstances wouldn't be something I'd want to inflict on any child. I'd say the same to the father had he posted and was fretting about his waist size. Right, I'll bid you goodnight!

Neetra30 · 27/03/2025 22:13

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 20:05

It's not nasty, it's just the truth I'm afraid. Of course there's a difference between a single mum who had her kids in a stable relationship or marriage and things have gone pear shaped since, and someone who lacks responsibility and gets knocked up by mistake.

It's you who is ridiculous if you can't see that. What you 'take kindly' to or not is of no interest to me either, frankly!

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It is the truth I'm afraid. I agree with this post

DeepRoseFish · 27/03/2025 22:15

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 21:12

It really isn't. Absolutely categorically not!

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It is I’m afraid. You are both single parents. And I say that as a single parent that was married too.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 27/03/2025 22:17

I think @MediterraneanHouse got exactly what s/he wanted out of this thread!

DeepRoseFish · 27/03/2025 22:17

Neetra30 · 27/03/2025 22:13

It is the truth I'm afraid. I agree with this post

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But you could then argue that you were irresponsible in choosing the wrong man to have children with because your marriage has ended in a divorce.

HeyThereDelila · 27/03/2025 22:18

You seem quite immature. How did this happen? Do you not use contraception?

Can you afford two children? Do you have a spare room? Do you work?

You don’t get more benefits for more than two children - if it happens again you may find you’re all pushed in to poverty. Maybe investigate some proper contraception.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/03/2025 22:19

TheSnootiestFox · 27/03/2025 22:12

Job and kids fine. ND husband not coping with the pressures of a family and assaulting me in front of the kids, not fine, plus I didn't realise he was ND at the time. Of course I had to leave.

I'm lucky as I actually don't see much bigotry on a dally basis as I'm secure in my life choices, have kids that are repeatedly referred to as a credit to me and I still use my married name for convenience so nobody even realises I'm a lone parent. But, it's always at the back of my mind that I need to make sure the kids don't suffer for my choices and to begin your life being conceived by mistake to a mother more bothered about how she looks than a baby being born into less than ideal circumstances wouldn't be something I'd want to inflict on any child. I'd say the same to the father had he posted and was fretting about his waist size. Right, I'll bid you goodnight!

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I don't really know where to go with your post

No woman should stay with a man who assaults her - being a single mum is a firm and noble alternative to a situation like this

You say that you don't see bigotry and are secure in your life choices

But then you say that you use your married name meaning no-one realises that you're a lone parent

You yourself are perpetuating bigotry through your comments.

Since you have experienced the shit end of the man stick, maybe try not to judge other women?