Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

He has to make his own choices, you need to let him get on with it. Maybe she has a side you don't see.

All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces if it bombs.

Financially, offer to buy the groomsmen's suits for the wedding. And leave money in trust for grandkids so it doesn't become a shared asset.

Have you spoken to him? I would be tempted to have a quiet word and lay out your concerns, very gently. Make it clear that you will support him whether decision he makes, and that you fully recognise the decision is up to him and you will do your best to welcome GF into the family if that’s what he decides. But you’ve also noticed a pattern of behaviour (give specific examples) which caused you concern and you wanted to seek his view on that.

I think realistically if you do this you run the risk of damaging the relationship between you and your son permanently. He will almost certainly still marry her, he'll just do it with the knowledge that his mum doesn't like her or approve of her.

Don't speak to him. He loves her, presumably, so any attempts at 'I am concerned' will just come over as 'you don't know your own mind and I am your mother and know best.' He must know what she's like if he's been with her for any length of time and he doesn't find her behaviour objectionable to him.

I'm very lucky in that I love all my kids' partners, but over the years there have been one or two that I've had to grit my teeth over. You just smile and think that there must be something loveable there if your DS loves them...

You know you’ll never be able to just get over it and be happy that he’s marrying her, my biggest advice would be to keep your feelings inside. Do not tell your DS. You run the risk of him telling her how you feel, you might scare DS from telling you how him and his partner are getting on.

Stay close. I think it’s OK to tell DS you just want him to be happy and you’re there in case anything happens.

Can you try and arrange a meet up with your future DIL? A girls coffee trip or involve yourself in the wedding somehow.

Just leave him alone.
Don't "have a quiet word" 🙄 because that only risks damaging the relationship between you and him. And then you'll be labelled as that mother in law.
Don't think he won't seek comfort from the future wife when his mother says she doesnt approve of her. Its fairly natural for people to turn to their spouse for that kind of support so he'll tell her what you said and she'll know you dont like her.

You just need to suck it up and learn to like her. Really. Please try. This woman could be your daughter in law forever. The mother of your grandchildren.

It’s difficult and I know I’d feel the same way if either of my children planned to marry someone who seemed inherently selfish. Personally, I think I’d risk speaking to my child and focus on specific behaviors as @SoonTheDaffodilsWillBeOver says, rather than the GF as a person. It’s possible to like someone but also recognize that they tend to be selfish, iyswim. I’d say something like X is great in so many ways, but I’ve noticed that she tends to expect you to do exactly what she wants all the time-don’t forget that your needs/wishes are important too!

Stress that you’re only saying this because he’s your son and you want him to have a happy, healthy relationship. I’ve always spoken to my teenagers about the characteristics of healthy relationships, I.e., showing mutual respect and support. Frame it in those terms-that you want them both to be happy. Good luck.

Yeah, definitely NO quiet words. He's asked her to marry him so he's in a glowy, loved up phase. It's one thing to gently point things out when asked or when there are problems, but proactively, during the pre-wedding bliss period? God no.

Just be there for him.

Also, of course, you don't entirely know what's going on. it might be that he's fully aware she's a bit of a prat when she's around you guys but he puts up with it because he knows that actually there's much more to her.

It's a different istuation but my brother is married to a saint. We can ONLY assume that the reason she puts up wth him, willingly as far as we can tell and they seem to still be super loved up after well over 20 years together, is because she accepts that his faults hide a personality that is, at heart, kind and loving. Which is true, but I've never been abel to get past it with him myself!

I wonder if therapy is a good idea - or some research to reframe things mentally, you’re at the start of what I presume will be a lengthy relationship if they’re marrying and you want to avoid as much awkwardness as possible, for everyone’s sake.

OP I would have a quiet word. It's really important and if you have a strong bond I don't think an honest chat will ruin your relationship. It's your job to look out for him and be honest. Has he had other relationships? Does he know otherwise? Some men don't know that their relationship is borderline abusive because they've never experienced anything else.

Don’t speak to her.

very few people show their best side around their other half’s parents.

it’s stressful meeting the in-laws.

it’s very likely you are not seeing all of their relationship.

i sort of have the opposite - my DIL is a saint for putting up with my DD. I’m just grateful anyone will be in a relationship with her.

I agree that having a quiet word laying out your concerns is unlikely to work and may do the opposite.

However, just before I got married my dad asked me very seriously if I was sure DH was the one I wanted as my life partner through all its ups and downs, and if I had any doubts whatsoever, not to go through with it. They would not be disappointed or mad at me and would help me cancel everything and tell everyone for me - just in case the fear of embarrassment or awkward convos was keeping me going. It was presented as a genuine "get out of jail free" card that I appreciated at the time.

The key was that my dad didn't say a word about his or my mum's own feelings, their opinion of DH or our relationship, anything - it was checking on how I felt and if I had any doubt whatsoever, they would not be upset or disappointed and would support me 100%.

I really agree with this - and realistically, she may have positives and kindnesses the OP doesn't see, but also her DS may have his own imperfections that his mum doesn't see. They may be all round better matched than they appear to her.

It’s normal for a mum to be biased towards their child and against anyone who doesn’t bow down before their innate specialness. But we must never say this out loud until/unless they split up, and even then, only if you’re absolutely sure they won’t get back together again.

If he were unhappy, that would be different, but he isn’t so you have to “be happy for him” as they say. They’ll both change as they mature and life happens to them. None of you can predict how any of you will feel in 20, 30 years.

There is not much you can do other than being there for him and support him.

If you tell him how you feel, it will likely backfire and ruin your relationship.

Can you give some examples of her being selfish? Hopefully she also has a good side to her and that’s why your DS decided to marry her. Maybe she is nervous when she is around you?

How do you know that she never says thank you for anything he does for her and never considers his feelings? Do they live with you? I'm not sure how you could make a judgement on her and their relationship, unless you see them extremely regularly.

@Cookiecrumblepie I agree that it makes a big difference if you’re close and already talk about what healthy relationships look like. I’ve had multiple discussions about this with DD (19) and DS(16) so for us, it wouldn’t be unusual to mention healthy/unhealthy behaviors iyswim. I don’t think either of them would take offense if I said remember that your needs/wishes are important too and you need to be mutually supportive.

Thank you, that’s really good advice. You’re absolutely right I know I’ll never really be happy about it, but I don’t want to drive a wedge between us either. I’d be gutted if he stopped confiding in me because he thought I was judging his choices.

I do try with her, I really do. I’ve suggested a few coffee meet-ups and shopping trips, but she’s always too busy (unless she needs something, of course). I have been involved a bit in the wedding mostly the bits she doesn’t want to do herself! But if that’s the only way I can stay close, I suppose I’ll take it.

I think you’re right about just keeping it to myself and making sure he knows I’m always here for him. Just have to hope he never wakes up one day and realises what I can already see.

My SiL is a very unpleasant, selfish person according to my mum. She does things like make my db take responsibility for our family cards and presents, pull his weight around the house etc.

I think this is so true. I've always got on well with my MIL, I think, but in the early days of DH and I being together it did irritate me a bit that she thought he was the second coming, and clearly felt I was very fortunate that a mere mortal like me had found such human perfection in a partner. He's great, but very much not perfect - I think I am lucky to have him, but he's lucky to have me too!

Happily, it is now my and DH's own sons that she thinks are perfection personified, and that's a viewpoint I'm much more on board with!

My parents ‘had a quiet word’ with my sister when she got engaged
Don’t do it. It didn’t go well and changed nothing. Just made things really awkward for a few years. Bil took it on the chin, fair play to him.
He’s hardly likely to turn round and agree with you, is he?

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned 🤣 I can relate to this, my DH is great but he’s not as perfect as his family believes…my children on the other hand… they’re almost angelic. 😇 🤣

Young people are normally pretty selfish and power can shift between couples as life progresses. Actually I think it's very normal for young women to appear this way to their MIL. It's part of the natural cycle of a man prioritising his mate over his parents. Be kind, friendly and loving and your relationship will naturally improve with time and she will mature and gain wisdom. I was that DIL and my MIL having a word did NOT help things but delayed us forming the good relationship we have now. Even the nicest man and best son will often leave family relationships to his wife. His wife is the gatekeeper to any children and your involvement in the family going forward. She will want her children to have a good relationship witu you, but not if she thinks you don't like her (and i promise any 'word'will get back to her

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus my perfectly lovely SIL is also the devil incarnate according to DM

Feel sad reading it, because you know him and you know her and you know she is an egoist and a taker. Don't know what to say. Some people say that in love there is always one who loves and the other who allows to love them. They say that there is never equal, true reciprocation, ever. You never really know. She may fall in love with him truly, later on. I personally would have destroyed their relationship in early stages by summoning all of my non-Britishness (I have a German grandmother) and told him what you told us in your post - she is selfish, she is this and that and would have given him examples. So, as I said, she might come to love him one day or the fog might lift for him one day. In the meantime you can just think along those lines 'she is not a drug addict, not a alcoholic, not a .... (insert).