Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

If she really is that bad, I’d be questioning why my son’s self esteem is so low to be tolerating that.

Absolutely DON'T say anything. You won't change anything except damage your relationship with him.

Regardless of whether he would listen or not, he loves this woman and has asked her to marry him so clearly can see her good points even if OP can't! If his mum expresses her doubts to him, it's not like he's going to turn around and go "Sorry fiancée, my mum thinks I shouldn't marry you because you never say thank you and you think you're the main character. Therefore even though I love you and have spent X amount of years with you, I am going to retract my proposal. Goodbye and good luck!"

The reality is, even if he listens to what his mum says, he will still marry the woman but he will just know that his mum doesn't like her which will make it extremely awkward.

On a separate note, unless there was DV or some sort of addiction involved, I have no idea why people think they can control their adult children's lives?!

I can't remember which film it is but there's a line that goes "you don't have to like her - you're not marrying her!!!"

I’ve got grown up DC’s (not married yet) as have most of my friends.
Practically all of the mil’s find fault with their Dil and moan about them when we are out; although they would never say anything to the couple.
Are you certain you are not just upset that your son has been ‘stolen’ by someone very different to you? Isn’t it healthy that this young woman has high self esteem and knows what she wants?

We are reading on every other thread how women put themselves last, martyring themselves, and here we have a young woman who puts herself first. Should we not admire her?

She’s his first real love, which I think is part of the problem he doesn’t have anything to compare it to.

So you would prefer him to have another few serious, long term relationships before getting married? For how long?

If you love someone so much that you want to marry and commit to them then surely that's a good thing? You don't need to have more relationships to "compare"😂

Don’t speak to him with any concerns about his fiancée! You will drive a wedge between him and you and also further between her and you.

I like the suggestion upthread about pre marriage counselling. Speaking to him about that as an option could be a good way to open a conversation with him about whether they are on the same page about finances, children, household chores, leisure time etc. it could enable you to check in with him about how a good marriage is about both spouses prioritising each other/ wanting the best for each other as well as ensuring their own needs are met on a reasonable basis etc.

it sounds a bit as though he treats her like a princess and she expects that too. That’s a bit old fashioned but it’s a model that works for some people - as long as they both choose it and they are both kind and respectful towards each other.

I would most definitely have a talk with my son if I had concerns about who he planned to marry. Isn't that what mothers are for? Why would you let him go into it without the benefit of hearing your perspective?

I think you need to carefully think of how to word it. But I'd definitely talk to him.

Now is the time to drop the smiles and call out her selfishness in front of her.

I'm already preparing my sons for their criteria for future girlfriends: kindness it's rhe most important and that she makes you happy. Intelligence so that you can have a conversation. Lastly looks because they will fade so you need to be happy with the rest of the "package". I want to believe that it enters their head but I'm fully aware I'm deluding myself.
@GoverningSilverfish I would have a word with my son based on what you're saying. More general pre-marriage talk like are you sure she's the one and bring up your concerns. Also tell him you're his mum so obviously you will be more attentive to his choice than anyone else because you want him to be happy. And that you're happy if he's happy you just want to make sure that's really the case.

This is the advice to listen to, OP. Most of the other stuff is kamikaze either for your peace of mind, your sons, or your relationship

Sounds like how my ex MIL perceived me! She was confused about why l didn't run around after her son (or her!) and had my own life e.g. job, friends etc. The general feeling was it was me being lazy and selfish

What a lovely mum you are.

Maybe your soon to be DIL will mellow with age and being involved with your son and you.

I hope that everything turns out better than expected. Xx

OP how do you actually know that she never thanks him or considers his feelings? Do you have any examples of this or is it a bit of a leap you’re taking there - has your son ever said any of this to you?

Reading your first post there’s just nothing there that jumps out to say she’s dreadful - and it sounds like your son is a wonderful partner to her. Could it be you just don’t personally like her?

This is terrible advice, don't do this.

‘What if he tells her what I’ve said and then she uses it to push me out completely? I think that’s my biggest fear.’

He almost certainly will tell her and how do you expect her to feel? How would you feel in that situation? By keeping your opinion to yourself you risk nothing, by voicing it you risk losing your relationship with your son and any future GC, and you could be completely wrong, they could be happy for the next fifty years.

My MIL decided before she met me that I was wrong for her son, because I was everything she wasn’t, I had a career, my own car and flat and worst of all I had OPINIONS! She made it clear how she felt and as such my husband has chosen to distance himself from her for the last 32 years. She was wrong about me and you could be wrong about this young woman.

As a PP said, OP is not marrying her so her perspective is irrelevant. He is an adult and he has decided this is who he wants to marry.

Another one saying don't speak to him about this UNLESS, as PPs have outlined, it's a gentle one-off "Are you absolutely sure?" kind of thing on the actual wedding day.

I think to help you come to terms with it, you need to stop fearing the worst case scenario and actually look at it.

Your worst fear seems to be that he will find out what you already (think you) know and be devastated he's 'wasted' his time on someone who doesn't make him happy. This happens to an awful lot of people. And they survive it. They learn and grow and survive. It is not the end of their lives. What will you do if and when this worst-case scenario comes to pass? Will you be there to support him without saying, "I told you so" or "I always thought she was a wrong 'un"? Look at it carefully and you will realise that the worst thing you are imagining isn't actually the end of the world.

He has to make his OWN mistakes and learn his OWN lessons. And much as you think you can see past her surface, you really don't know what goes on in her head OR behind closed doors. You don't have a crystal ball, and your opinions are not infallible.

Don't risk the relationship you have with your son (and potentially with grandchildren) just to feel that you've said your piece. It's not worth it.

Presumably your son has met his bride to be and experienced her main character or “selfish” behaviour for himself? Presumably as well he has still chosen her of his own free choice and decided that this woman, flaws and all, is the one who makes him happy and he wants for a partner.

It’s quite simply not your business if you think she isn’t good enough for your precious golden boy. I’m sure he has plenty little character flaws of his own. If he is happy, that’s all that should matter to you. Your opinion of the woman is not particularly relevant. If he had wanted it he would ask.

Ill be honest, Im not sure my MIL thought much of me at first. Met my OH very young and I think she was worried as I was first gf etc. We both (me and OH) also needed to do some growing up but thought we knew everything (early 20s over confidence).

I think she did cryptically suggest things to him but he didnt pick up lol but she was always nice and welcoming and never said anything outright.

While we still don't see eye to eye on some things, I've grown up, shes mellowed and shes seen me support her son through things and I've come to admire how much she puts her family first. There's a bit of compromise and muddling along but she's an exceptional grandparent and we are going on holiday together.

We've both consciously put in effort and I'm so glad she's a close part of our lives. So there is hope as people grow up a bit.

Your son will keep no secrets from his wife so why would you tell him something that you don’t want him to tell his wife? There’s nothing you have to tell him that he doesn’t know already it’s not like you’ve discovered some secret about her but no one else knows you don’t like her you don’t like how that kind of woman operates And that’s irrespective of whether she’s going to marry your son. Maybe she doesn’t much like you. I wonder how it all started anyway. Don’t tell him you’ve got nothing to say.

the implication is a criticism of FDIL and I would feel sick to my stomach if my mum had a word with me and put me in the position of either keeping that a secret or having to tell OH that DM thinks that our relationship isn’t healthy to the point they felt the need to say something to me

If you have a quiet word, you might find out about the things he doesn’t think are great in your marriage …. !

Absolutely not!! You have to get on with this woman - potentially for the rest of your life. Anything you say now will set the future relationship with her/your son/your future GC.

Unless there was serious abuse, you need to zip the lip.

My XMiL had the same sort of feelings about her little prince's fiancee.