Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

So your son has been with this woman many years and they are about to get married and you wait until NOW right before the wedding to say something. This will probably shock your son first of all. Second of all your biggest complains about her are ridiculous that she too didn't go out in the freezing cold to sit out with your son after she consumed an alcoholic beverage even though he is an adult therefore more than perfectly capable of waiting for a tow truck. That she at times rolls her eyes and sighs at your son. I mean have you never sighed or rolled your eyes at your husband? I do that a lot with my husband and I don't think it even registers with me. Men say dumb shit sometimes. Also that your FDIL "made" your son go to her family event when he was super sick. But isn't that on your son to use his big boy words and say, "sorry love I would love to go but I am too sick." What is she going to do ground him if he doesn't go? These are such minor examples I am almost wondering if you are looking for reasons to dislike her. If you look at anyone's relationships after many years you will find SOMETHING they did less than perfect.

You say she expects to be the main character well not to be blunt about it but she's his fiance his very soon to be wife isn't she kind of though the main character and the most important person in his life? Of course their lives are intertwined. It just reads that you're jealous that his main or his default person isn't you it's his soon to be wife and that's how it should be. She shouldn't marry him if it wasn't. You also mention that you invite him over without her and wonders why he declines. Again you exclude her so who is his loyalty going to lie with. Who do most people spend their evenings with after work. Their mothers or their spouses? He is absolutely doing the right thing here. Onto the hobby the football. Many many men neglect their partners/wives in favor of their overgrown hobby so it's possible your FDIL dealt with that with your son and she said I want more time together.

Again if these examples after this many years together are all you can come up with then I think she doesn't sound bad at all.

I find it very strange that your son at 28 years old is recounting every detail of a conversation between him and his fiance. The fact you know that many exact details down to the beverage of choice she was drinking the night your son broke down to the fact she asked him to go to the family event but he got the flu and she complained. Grown men don't typically go into this many details the way women do during a phone conversation and it reads like he is running to his mother to "tattle" on his wife. She was "mean" to me she didn't sit with me when my car broke down and she "made" me go to a family event. If he is old enough to be married and settle down and commit his life to someone he is old enough to not be running to you with every little disagreement in their relationship and talk it through with her. If my husband was doing this with his mother I would be less than thrilled. Some posters also mention maybe he is mentioning this to get comfort from mom and garner sympathy from her. If I found out my husband was purposely painting me in a bad light or discussing our disagreements with his mommy to gain sympathy from her I would think he was being infatilized and I married a man child and not a grown man and I would ask him to cut that shit out as his mother isn't a third person in our marriage.

OP and really think about this question honestly. Is it possible it's hitting you your son is getting married and you are nit picking at little non issues she has done? Because the only examples you have provided thus far is she doesn't drink and drive, she rolls her eyes at him and sighs, she wants time for the two of them. I am not seeing the issue here. Also the way you and your son communicate it sounds like there may be a bit of enmeshment happening here.

Ffs you’re so patronising and hypocritical! You clearly think you know best, even though you probably see them for what, 10% of their time together tops?

You don’t always know best. They may be happily together forever.

Out of interest, how old were you when you got married? How did your marriage go? I wonder if you’re projecting.