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Original poster

Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

327 replies

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 12:24

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

OP posts:
waterrat · 27/03/2025 13:57

You sound judgemental and you are infantalising your son. He is an adult and he. Loves her.

It's very dangerous to assume you understand the ins and outs of other relationships

You need to change your attitude

Mycatisanevilgenius · 27/03/2025 14:02

Do not speak to him about it, it will end up like william having a word a pre weddding word with harry!

ISpyNoPlumPie · 27/03/2025 14:07

I’m pretty sure my MIL would have described me in the same terms OP when we first got together (perhaps she still does now?? 😆). I was selfish when I was in my 20’s and so was my future DH, but of course he was her perfect son. When we met, my DH and I both did the same job (a very stressful professional role, long hours). One of the first things she asked her son IN FRONT OF ME “does she iron your shirts?”. Of course I fucking don’t. She hated that I didn’t look after him, cook for him, bend over backwards for him. I think she’s a bit of a doormat and she’s had a bit of a sad marriage. Horses for courses huh.

It’s important to point out that she doesn’t see the inside of our relationship. We adore each other, we’d do anything for each other, and we’re very happy together. We just don’t make a big show of that in front of anyone else.

Don’t say a word OP. You’ll ruin your relationship with them both - especially her. And as is often the case, unless your DS is very proactive that’ll probably mean you won’t be very involved in their life together. Tell them you love them, don’t let them walk all over you, and be there for your son come what may. Also perhaps you could trust his judgement and assume that you don’t have the full picture of their relationship.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2025 14:11

I know people who feel like this. But you will just have tolerate this person. There is no point in making yor dislike or disapproval obvious.

LollyLand · 27/03/2025 14:11

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 27/03/2025 13:02

My SiL is a very unpleasant, selfish person according to my mum. She does things like make my db take responsibility for our family cards and presents, pull his weight around the house etc.

My mother would say my SIL is awful because she’s always ‘going out and leaving my brother with the kids’. In reality she’s working or taking their daughter to her hobby.

SuspiciousChipmunk · 27/03/2025 14:16

MugsyBalonz · 27/03/2025 13:50

This is terrible advice, don't do this.

Show quote history

Wrong!

Jessieshome · 27/03/2025 14:16

What is your son's father like? What does he think? Could he have a bloke to bloke chat with him? 'You absolutely sure about this one son?' in a friendly, father son way, not mentioning you at all? Just father and son checking in with each other?

I know it's all a bit sexist and old fashioned, and someone else said we don't give the best impression to our in laws but surely your partners loving mother is the person you should be giving the absolute best impression to?

Side note - have you seen the final episode of Gavin and Stacey?

BruFord · 27/03/2025 14:16

Namechangean · 27/03/2025 13:54

the implication is a criticism of FDIL and I would feel sick to my stomach if my mum had a word with me and put me in the position of either keeping that a secret or having to tell OH that DM thinks that our relationship isn’t healthy to the point they felt the need to say something to me

Show quote history

@Namechangean Every family is different though. We do discuss things like this and it wouldn’t upset anyone.

My Mum told me what she thought of my DH before I married him and it was fine. It made no difference to our relationship at all. Luckily she was mainly positive, although she did have a couple of criticisms (which were reasonable tbh)!

My DH’s family, however, never discuss anything. I’ve observed situations where it’s clear that someone’s making a big mistake (financial, relationships, etc.) and no one offers any advice, they let them walk into it. My family is different, they would say something if someone was walking into a mess.

Different folks, different strokes. 🤷

JHound · 27/03/2025 14:17

You don’t have to be happy for him.

Just be civil and supportive. When my brother was dating his trash ex, I never pretended to be happy but I also was not a bitch about it. I was nice and polite and supportive.

Anxioustealady · 27/03/2025 14:17

Do you have any actual examples? It sounds like you just don't like her because she's your sons girlfriend, and don't want your son to have his own life.

You mentioned twice in 3 paragraphs that you don't want to be pushed out completely.

BruFord · 27/03/2025 14:17

BumpyaDaisyevna · 27/03/2025 13:54

If you have a quiet word, you might find out about the things he doesn’t think are great in your marriage …. !

@BumpyaDaisyevna Would that be so terrible?!

ZippyDoodle · 27/03/2025 14:21

You are viewing the relationship through the lens of your own life and what is important to YOU. You have no idea how they are together or who she really is with him. Only he will know.

my first proper boyfriend’s Mum and Sister were horrid to me and he told me after we split up that I was his true love and he always regretted not standing up to them.

Accept that he is happy and you will probably never be great friends with her. It is what it is. If it’s not right, it is up to him to work that out for himself. He’s not a child.

marylou25 · 27/03/2025 14:22

Whatever you do keep your mouth shut! No good can come of saying anything to him.

MellowCritic · 27/03/2025 14:24

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 27/03/2025 13:02

My SiL is a very unpleasant, selfish person according to my mum. She does things like make my db take responsibility for our family cards and presents, pull his weight around the house etc.

Wow she sounds like a right cow... 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Bignanna · 27/03/2025 14:25

OP- he’ll find out what she’s like soon enough. Don’t criticise her, it’ll just cause offence and drive a wedge between you.

MellowCritic · 27/03/2025 14:29

BruFord · 27/03/2025 14:16

@Namechangean Every family is different though. We do discuss things like this and it wouldn’t upset anyone.

My Mum told me what she thought of my DH before I married him and it was fine. It made no difference to our relationship at all. Luckily she was mainly positive, although she did have a couple of criticisms (which were reasonable tbh)!

My DH’s family, however, never discuss anything. I’ve observed situations where it’s clear that someone’s making a big mistake (financial, relationships, etc.) and no one offers any advice, they let them walk into it. My family is different, they would say something if someone was walking into a mess.

Different folks, different strokes. 🤷

Show quote history

Youre right some families are different but I tend to find those that think its ok to 'discuss' such things are the families that are the most problem causing interfering kind... it never ends well to think it's OK to bad mouth your dil and try to sway your son into thinking badly of his wife to be. If she's as bad as you say and she's just so bad then speak to them both about respect in a marriage and so on but I suspect op won't. These types need to have the conversation in private to ensure the other person can't defend themselves which is not nice.

LlynTegid · 27/03/2025 14:29

Mothers who are happy about who their son marries seem to be about as rare as a BMW driver using indicators. You are not the first, just be supportive.

CountryQueen · 27/03/2025 14:29

My MIL laughs about it now but all she could see was her overtired, overworked little prince. Not the fact that behind the scenes I was doing the thinking for everyone and running around like a blue arsed fly.

He is much better now with age and without his Mummy fawning over him, much as he enjoyed it. She admits that she thought I was an unsympathetic cow but that she was wrong and just blinded by her little boy.

JandamiHash · 27/03/2025 14:33

TBH I’m a bit sceptical - you haven’t given examples and I think standards are so different for men and women that when people say “she’s being selfish” it’s an example in which they wouldn’t say the same about a man. Some of my ILs thought I was “selfish and cheeky” on holiday because when my DD was 1 and needed her nappy changed I handed her to DH and gave him nappies to go change her. This was cheeky and selfish by their standards. By my standards, he’s her dad he can change her nappy. I was breastfeeding, so he did the other bits.

BotterMon · 27/03/2025 14:34

Maybe he'll dump Sonia at the alter and realise he should have married Nessa years ago.

Topknotted · 27/03/2025 14:35

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 27/03/2025 13:02

My SiL is a very unpleasant, selfish person according to my mum. She does things like make my db take responsibility for our family cards and presents, pull his weight around the house etc.

I suspect my MIL thinks similarly of me, and that’s after knowing her more than 30 years and being quite fond of her — she just doesn’t get that me ‘loving’ DH, which I do, doesn’t translate into me being a SAHM who ‘supports his career’, and being the point of contact for all family occasions. I think she thinks it ‘unmanly’ that he does all the cooking and grocery shopping, and it’s ‘unwomanly’ that I didn’t change my name and think my career every bit as important as DH’s, both before and after DS.

Coconutter24 · 27/03/2025 14:36

Do you live with them? How do you know how they are or are you just seeing little bits and thinking the worst?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 27/03/2025 14:42

My SiL is awesome and I want to be just like her when I grow up (if I ever do) maybe if I'd had more boundaries in my first marriage I wouldn't be on my 2nd but then I'd be missing out on the most awesome man ever. My current MiL absolutely adores me.

@GoverningSilverfish can you give proper examples of her selfish behavior please

NoWayRose · 27/03/2025 14:43

I think it’s important to realise that whatever you say will almost certainly get back to her. It’s really hard to keep secrets from your spouse when you’re with them all the time

LittleGlowingOblong · 27/03/2025 14:49

Maybe have a chat - but not about your son’s fiancée. About marriage. Gently ask if they’ve discussed all the things like family planning, attitude to work & finances, parenting styles etc. Ask him whether he’s sure, that marriage is for the long run, that children bond you to someone - and their location & schedules - for years on end. But don’t breathe a word against her.

What’s her own family like? Have you met her mother?