Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

It really is a tale as old as time. What is that hackneyed saying?

" Your daughter is your daughter for the whole of your life, your son is your son until he meets his wife"

or some such.

Yeah, I do get that it’s normal to an extent. I don’t expect him to be round all the time like he used to be, and I know relationships change things. I suppose it just feels different because it’s not just him being busy with his own life it’s like she dictates what he can and can’t do.

And maybe I am missing what she does for him. I really hope that’s the case. But from what I’ve seen, it’s very much a one-way street. He bends over backwards for her, but when it’s the other way around? Nothing. If he’s stressed or unwell, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. I’ve lost count of the amount of times he’s had to drop everything for her latest drama, but I’ve never seen her do the same for him. Maybe I am being unfair, but it’s just hard to watch.

I agree with the posters who are saying don't talk to your DS about the fiancee. By all means, have a conversation about marriage. You can share your own experiences, 'we had to talk to the vicar who married us, these days maybe people talk to a cousellor...I found it useful because...'

Might be the only way to say anything at all.

Dmum had a word before my marriage - we'd been together 10 years by then but she suddenly spoke up - managed to say my relationshop was not a proper one like my siblings - later turned out both to have been in abusive ones. I didn't hold it agianst her but did cement in my mind idea that been there a while they didn't know me and weren't good at judging what was best for me. Had similar chats when we announced pg - equally unproductive - married 20 + years now.

Suspect IL had some comments to DH - they've certainly shove their oar in with advice often to my determent unasked over the years when they get DH alone and tried very hard to push me out once we had kids.

We still get on though took DH a long time to wise up to his mums antics - she praised me when he clearly cooks the meals when they are here and reminds me of his family birthdays which I rapidly learnt to leave to him.

You don't think you're just a tad biased in your opinion here? I asked earlier how you know all these things, because you seem to me to have made a lot of judgements about things you cannot possibly know are true.

You have no idea what she'd do for him.

You're framing this like a competition. Only YOU love him like he deserves to be loved and yet he's choosing HER.

It's hard to let go but he's a grown up now, he's found a wife not a Mummy.

Oh good lord - she is not "edging you out" - your son is moving on to the next stage of his life where his partner and future chidlren take priority over his parents. It is normal and natural.

I am MIL to 3, and long ago accepted this with a good grace. I have made sure that my life is full of activities that I enjoy; and I enjoy the contact we do have, which is now on a slightly different footing. It is just how life goes.

Indeed. On the day my much younger brother got married, my mum said to me "I feel like I'm losing a son." They'd been living together for 9 years, had two children and he was over 40...

Agree with the majority.

What is said can't be unsaid.

Keep your concerns or opinions to yourself and do your best to get along with her. His priorities now lie with her - not you. It's hard, but that's how the circle of life turns.

I was that DIL. My MIL did not like me, she thought I wasn't right for her DS. (I was older and divorced). Her other DIL - well, the sun shone out of every orafice.

DH and I are still together 30 years later. The other DIL had an affair and BIL is currently with third wife.

Her initial opinion of me stuck in my mind, I never forgot it. We got along, but I always knew I was second best DIL (until other DIL blotted her copybook) and it did impact on how I acted towards her and considerations I made.

It’s just little things that add up. Like, a few months ago, he was really ill with the flu proper knocked out, fever, barely able to get out of bed. She still made him go with her to some family thing because she didn’t want to go alone. No concern for the fact that he could barely stand, just “oh but my mum will be upset if you’re not there.” And he went! Because he didn’t want to let her down.

Then there was the time his car broke down on the way home from work. He called her first, asked if she could pick him up (only a 15-minute drive), and she said no because she’d just sat down with a glass of wine. He ended up waiting two hours for recovery in the freezing cold. Yet if she so much as needs petrol, he’s straight in the car to help.

I get that I don’t see everything, and maybe she has moments I don’t know about. But from what I do see, it’s all very one-sided.

It’s a tough position to be in op but I’m happily noting some really good advice on this thread and sometimes I don’t see that on MIL threads. Relationships do change and marriage children jobs do change a couple and an individual. She is/they are young and both will mature. It’s discomforting to think you have to put up and shut up to keep peace and be part of their life but I do think it works that way for many mothers of sons. My dsis has two sons and has successfully managed a difficult dil situation..by helping them a lot. I think that’s how she changed the balance. She helped them move 3 times including dil alone out of her stuffed full apartment and storage unit. I’m not advocating enslavement to her list of jobs/ needs but try to see her as a young woman growing maturing and needing help with this and dil rightly recognized her IL would be there for them and her own parents actually were not. Hang tough op and pick up the phone and call or text son at random times. Keep communication open and loving.

But, again, how do you know she wouldn’t do the same for him?

OP you actually sound jealous. Of course your son calls you and sees you less now he’s in a committed relationship than when he’s single, it’s just the nature of things. Could you simply be struggling to let him go, and projecting this on to his soon-to-be wife? She will become his family, as will any children to come. As others say, please don’t be that MIL (mine is one, so I feel strongly about it!)

How do you know about these events? Who told you?

I think it’s quite fair if she didn’t pick him up if she’d already started on the wine. You don’t know how much of it she’d drank.

Also, maybe you should have raised your son to have a bit more back bone? If he can’t go, he should say no. He clearly wasn’t that near deaths door and unable to stand if he did, in fact, stand and walk out the door to attend.

Very much sounds like you’re getting half a story or are blowing little things up. You have no idea what she does for him, or what she puts up with. Maybe if you’re hearing these little stories you should just tell your son to stop telling tales on his to-be-wife to his mummy and learn to say no to her if he doesn’t want to do something.

How do you know these things? You say that he's very loved up, but he's ALSO complaining to you about her behaviour? Those two things don't mesh for me so I'm a bit confused.

The flu thing... I 100% WANT to be on your son's side, but every woman I know has had a "half dead" male partner at some point who simply couldn't possibly do anything.... when really, it's a minor cold!

The car thing - Iwhat happened here. I remember a similar situation with me and DH. I couldn't drive as I'd already had wine. I felt terrible. I had suggestions and I tried to help him from a distance. Do you know for a fact she had just "sat down" with a wine and was point blank refusing?

This. Don't say you don't like her, pretend you do - but call out the fact it's all about her, and is she being as considerate to him as he is to her. Tell him you are only saying it because he is your child and you want him to be happy.
Hopefully it will plant a seed and he will pay more attention to it and look out for himself a bit more. And you never know in the future, he may be grateful you told him.
But don't make out you don't like her and he shouldn't get married etc, as that may make him reject you - just test the waters first.

One of my Dds is getting married next year I hope the Op isn't her future Mil 😯

You see, I would do as others have suggested and talk about marriage in general terms, maybe share some of your experiences of how your DH has supported you when you were unwell, helped you out in tricky situations, etc.

It sounds as if she doesn't have much empathy for him -that doesn't mean that she doesn't love him, it just means that she's abit self-absorbed. Imagine if he dragged her to a family event when she has 'flu or left her stranded at the side of the road, she would quite rightly be fuming.

Love isn't about one person being walked over by the other, it's about mutual support and they may develop this over time. I don't think it's unreasonable to talk to him in general terms about having a healthy long-term relationship. Marriage is a big life step after all.

I was definitely the more self-absorbed person early in my marriage and DH had to stand up for himself a few times for me to learn to think about his needs more. There's nothing wrong with saying no to your partner or telling them that they're being unkind when they leave you at the side of the road, for example!

Also, just to say that I know that sometimes my family have a negative view of DH. Which is totally unfair. It's because they dont' see the whole picture. So I might be really annoyed with him about something, and say somethign to them. But I don't, as a rule, call them up to tell them all the good stuff. Also, the things that annoy me about DH are things that have an annoying habit of coming up aroudn my family - he tends to be disorganised and unable to forward plan which means things like family events can be irritating as I'm doing all the work or we're late becuase he hasn't thought about x or y. When actually, we might have had weeks before that of totally harmonious living becuase he's actually very considerate, does more than his fair share of the chores etc.

And DH's family like me (I think!) but I know there are aspects of my personality they don't like and also that they don't always see the good. Probably for similar reasons. It's not a big deal.

Both my family, and DH's family, are more than capable of putting the "not so great" things into a different box.

Also, both my family and DH's family are not oblivious to our OWN faults. Wihch means that sometimes when I'm irritated with DH - his mother and sister 100% get it and ditto, when DH is irritated with me, my family 100% get it.

A woman after my own heart (see username)

I wonder if they don't visit as often as OP would like because DIL knows that she doesn't like her?

I'm another who will never be good enough for my MIL's little prince. I also don't put him first (because I have a job, children etc) but apparently I should be able to work, do 100% of the housework, childcare etc because obviously my husband has a man job so needs his time to rest but it's fine for women to run themselves ragged. It's mad.

Can you give examples OP of the bending over backwards?

Let’s assume all your worries are correct and she’s awful. Why do you think he’s decided he wants to marry her? Has he low self esteem? What’s in it for her? Money?

I don't think this is fair. DH still goes to PILs on his own sometimes. I love my MIL dearly, she's ace but I'm sure she likes to spend time with DH on their own on an odd occasion. I'd hate to think that once my DC get married, then I'd never get to see them without their partners.

If he actually had flu, not just a bad cold, he would not have been able to go to a family event. The chances are he had a cold and was being a bit pathetic. She didn't put a gun to his head, she told him that her family (who, it sounds like, they are going to be relying on for support since it's not coming from you...) would be disappointed not to see him and he decided to go.

I can understand how disappointing it must be for you that your DIL doesn't drink drive...

He did. Not in a complaining way, just in passing. Like with the flu thing, he mentioned he’d felt awful but still had to go to this family event, and I was the one thinking, hang on, why did you have to go if you were that ill?

Same with the car he called me after he finally got home, and when I asked why he’d been stuck out in the cold for so long, he just casually mentioned that she hadn’t wanted to come out. He didn’t even seem annoyed about it, just sort of accepted it as normal. Which is what worries me.