Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

This situation resonates slightly with my family.
Bro met his ex - we tolerated her, JUST . Mum could not stand by and allow him to be spoken to the way he was by her (digs / put downs - generally chipping away at his self esteem. No, not a mummy's boy either. We all noticed it. Bro stated it was banter, but it wasnt 2 way - and one xmas I would say it bordered on domestic violence (emotional abuse )
Mum challenged her. She did not change in any way. Obviously she (ex SIL) told my bro about the conversation!
My bro married her.
Fast forward 7 years and 2 kids, she cheated on bro and they have subsequently split up . Due to the conversation mum had with ex SIL and obviously mum not her biggest fan, mum found it v difficult to offer neutral advice to bro. Fortunately he was able to open up to mum/dad
I on the other hand have been quite blunt about her treatment of him (all along , not just the unfaithfulness)
The positives in it all, is bro now has a lovely new GF, SHE (ex) is out of our lives (not bro's sadly ) and my bro has returned to being the lovely guy that he was prior to her !!!!!
Unsure this helps you really. I have kids, and I understand why my mum challenged ex SIL !
However, when he was with her we didn't see much of him (her influence possibly , but perhaps he felt if she wasnt welcome, he didnt want to be around us either )
Just be there for him, ensure he doesn't isolate from you (and other friends too)
All the best !

I love my mum and we're close, but I would not have been impressed if she'd given me this 'chat' before I married! Would any 28 year old, really?

Unless OP's DS is unusually dense he would understand what the undertone of the chat was, even if OP 'never breathed a word' against his fiancée.

PS - I was lucky: I had a mil who thought I was solid gold. But I think that was mainly bc she hadn’t liked DP’s first wife! Having her friendship and acceptance made a big difference to my life.

You can't do anything but smile and support, but I totally feel you. I'd be the same if my son was marrying a narcissistic lazer.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned marriage is probably the biggest decision you ever make. I think a gentle loving chat is quite in order.
As many have said, we don’t know what their relationship is really like, but what is Miss Me Me Me is bouncing him into it? It’s ok for a mother to say “I want you to be happy and I’m 100% behind you” without saying a word against his gf.

Hopefully in time he'll realise and leave. At least it's easier to divorce these days. Not that it's easy but people don't feel forced to stay together as much as they did in days gone by.

Dirty underpants and wet towels on the floor, 😂 just kidding!!

I would not say anything, just be supportive.

You having a word is not going to stop him being completely in love with her is it? All it will do is drive a wedge between you and him.

You need to let him live his life, even if he makes choices that you don't necessarily agree with however hard it is to watch him make them.

Be careful in your comments OP this is ripe for the Daily Fail.
My advice- keep your mouth well and truly shut, the most important thing is you don’t want your son to have to pick sides which he might well do after you air any opinions. Just be there for them both and that’s it

I’m sure you mean well but this is horrendous advice

Horrendous advice and completely stupid, too. Imagine?

It is okay to have feelings. A lot if weddings I've been to, I've felt that it is and idea. But it is their life. I'm not sure you should talk to him directly about this since it doesn't soundbite she's dangerous or abusive. If there is an opening when she does something and he bends over backwards you can mention how that seems to happen often. But not a snide comment. Just casual observation, only if the situation presents itself. All you can do is be nice to her and be there for him if it all goes to shits.

It's really tricky. I've had family in the same position and it's never ended well when they speak up. The best you can do is be is kind and supportive to both. I know it's very hard watching someone make what you know is a huge mistake. She may grow and change in time or your son may realise his mistake.

You can't do anything OP except get on as good terms with your future DIL as is possible. She's not up for going out with you on your own, so stop suggesting it. Be interested in her work, her family, her likes and dislikes. Try to see what your son loves about her whilst accepting that you may not 'get it'.
That's what I've done and it has helped. If it was my choice, DS would have chosen some different. But he didn't, and he's happy some of the time if not all.

I agree with the posters who are saying don't talk to your DS about the fiancee. By all means, have a conversation about marriage. You can share your own experiences, 'we had to talk to the vicar who married us, these days maybe people talk to a cousellor...I found it useful because...'

I advise hiding your dislike of her but, privately, acknowledge your pain and grief and maybe even consider getting professional help yourself (e.g. short-term counselling). Because it really is one of the most painful things in life, when somebody we're very close to has a partner we can't stand. Of course, most of the time, we do learn to stand it. We keep things civil. Every time you bite your tongue or hold back or feel less than enthusiastic about something, remember you're doing it for him rather than for her.

Speaking as a veteran of close family members marrying people I don't like, sometimes it settles down and you muddle along. Sometimes the dislike becomes more entrenched but I'm not a fan of drama so it's normally something that's left unspoken.

Beware gossip. If other people in your circle feel the same way, try really hard to be discreet.

Finally, if your DS has any younger siblings, you might well find that they learn from the experience of watching their older sibling not pay much attention to wider family dynamics. You might find that their choices are even better than they might have been because of their newfound wisdom - that it makes a huge difference if partners and families gel well. Some of my family's partners have brought real joy to my life. So try to learn from the experience.

Our mum was even worse than that. She used to give my dsis talks on being a "good wife". Things like thinking about how she should consider not working full-time so she could have her dh's dinner ready (even though dsis had more earning potential than her dh), having a quite word if dsis corrected her dh if he misquoted something, going apocalyptic when dsis suggested her dh might consider being a SAHD etc.

She never once did it to me, not sure if it was because she knew I would probably burst out laughing.

OP, my dbro married someone my parents (and to be fair the rest of the family too) never warmed to. But we welcomed her and got on with it. It is still not a genuinely warm relationship 30+ years later and we are still uncomfortable in each others company, we are just chalk and cheese, but we try - you just don't get to choose your extended family (by blood or by marriage). I am by no means perfect either!

Yes, if I’m honest, I do feel a bit pushed out already. He still makes an effort, but it’s not the same. Before he met her, we were really close he’d call just for a chat, pop round when he had a free evening. Now, everything has to be scheduled around her. If she doesn’t want to come, he won’t come either. If I invite just him, she suddenly has plans that he has to be at.

I don’t expect to be his priority anymore, obviously, but it feels like she’s slowly edging me out. And the worst part? I don’t even think he realises it’s happening.

There's nothing you can do and you don't want to jeopardise your relationship with your DS but you have my sympathy

My DS (although a lot younger at 18) is with a girl and we would dread if he married her. She is rude and entitled with delusions of grandeur.

Stay strong OP x

Is he a bit of a sap, OP? I mean that kindly. It just sounds as if you’re blaming his girlfriend for something that is, after all, his behaviour.

Boy Mums and their PFBs. You don't know what their relationship is like on the inside. He's an adult. If you carry on being THAT MIL then you'll be back here to complain that you don't see your grandchildren in a few years.

My grandparents felt the same about my dad marrying my mum and they were right, but didn't feel they could say anything. My dad stayed with her even when she was unfaithful and bullying me and him because he didn't want to lose the house. They are old now and when my dad broke his hip the nurses refused to put her calls through to him as she was bullying him and upsetting him!
Anyway, let's hope your ds has more sense! At least there's less need to keep up appearances and stay together than there was.

Is this not a bit normal in relationships? If you have a child that's single obviously they are far more likely to pop in when free or be free to do things but when they get into a relationship they will need to prioritize the plans of their partner over other family/friends (not always obviously sickness or other things can pop up).

Equally you say he does a lot for her but is it possible you are not seeing the things she does for him?

I have a friend who expressed her doubts about her sons GF to him when they were going through a rocky patch.
But they stayed together , he obviously told her and now there is zero relationship between them and she doesn’t see her grandson.

I get what you’re saying, and I really don’t want to be that MIL. I know he’s an adult, and I know it’s his life. I don’t want to interfere, I just… I don’t know. It’s hard watching someone you love give everything to a person who wouldn’t do the same for them.

I’d never want to risk my relationship with him (or any future DC) over this, which is why I’m keeping my mouth shut. Just needed to get it off my chest, really. I’ll smile, nod, and keep the door open for him what else can I do?

How do you know she wouldn't do the same? What has she not done that's been like this?