Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

MIL had a "quiet word" with DH before our wedding, he did not appreciate it and it did drive a wedge which - on top of other ways she treated me and our DC - ended up in him going completely NC. He hasn't spoken a word to her in over fifteen years, yet I'm still here and still married to him.

To put it bluntly, is that she's actually selfish or is that you don't like her because she's different/not like you? If it's the latter then you're probably finding fault because you're looking for it and you want to justify your feelings about her by making it into a fault with her personality.

Your DS chose her, you don't know what their relationship is like when they're away from you and he clearly sees something in her that makes him want to marry her. You need to keep quiet, paste a smile on, and be happy for them. Don't go having words.

Yeah my brother married the wrong woman and my mum and my sisters and I have all just had to suck it up. She’s awful. And she’s only got worse over the years to be honest, since they’ve have children and everything. It’s sad cause my brother was so lovely and deserved someone amazing and we were so close. We all just sort of limp along now and are civil but mainly just avoid being around them. I often think of how different it could have been if he had chosen someone lovely who wanted to be a part of our family. But what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hear what you’re saying, and I have thought about it. But I just don’t know if it would do any good. He’s so in love with her, and I honestly think he’d just get defensive or, worst case, pull away from me completely. I couldn’t bear that.

He’s had a couple of relationships before, but nothing serious. She’s his first real love, which I think is part of the problem he doesn’t have anything to compare it to. I do sometimes wonder if he even realises how one-sided things are, or if he just thinks this is normal. I’d never say she’s abusive, but she’s certainly… difficult.

I just don’t know if saying something would help or just make him dig his heels in further. What if he tells her what I’ve said and then she uses it to push me out completely? I think that’s my biggest fear.

My SiL is a very unpleasant, selfish person according to my mum. She does things like make my db take responsibility for our family cards and presents, pull his weight around the house etc.

😂😂😂😂😂😂 Good for your SIL!!!!

That's the sort of attitude my MIL had.

I was selfish because I wanted a career. I was self-centred because I wanted to enjoy that career and marriage for a few years before considering children. I was from a more affluent background that DH so I was spoiled. That affluent background however was abusive so I'd learned to play the victim card. I expected DH to pull his share around the house so I was lazy. I knew my own mind so I was opinionated. I had boundaries so I was upright.

It got very boring in the end.

I should also add that the only reason DH is not NC with his mum now is because i constantly encourage him to see her and arrange her visits. When he was younger he was a great son. You don't know how things will evolve but pasting a smile on now and biting your tongue is definitely the best thing to do.

I do understand how you feel and I was concerned about one of my DC’s choices. But then I remembered my MIL couldn’t stand me ( and said some awful things to me) and I’m a nice person. She just couldn’t bear being displaced. It just drove my DH closer to me and further from her.

Eventually she did come to see that I make her DS very happy and have been a great mother to her GC. But we never really clicked - we’re just too different.

So with my own DC I just stay silent and work really hard at keeping it warm. I bite my tongue and think it’s their choice. I’d advise you to do the same.

Jesus, are you sure you didn't pull a muscle with that stretch?

This. How do you know all this stuff, OP? Has your son confided repeatedly in you? Of so, what were your responses at the time?

If not - it sounds like you've inferred an awful lot of things merely from observation.

This is lovely, what a lovely Dad you have/had.

It's too late to say anything. you dont say how long term this is but he knows what he is getting into.

If he's happy be happy for him.

Who you are when you are with your partners family isn’t always who you are with your partner so you can’t know what their relationship is built on.

I agree any conversation will perhaps result in distance however is there a way you can talk about relationship
dynamics in particular and if he feels he can assert his own needs with people? How he is faring at work etc and see what he says

I would bite your tongue about her, but speak freely about him. Ask him regularly what he wants, where he wants to be, what he wants to do, and help him make that happen.

It will have two effects, to make him pay attention to his own preferences, and to make her aware of them and that they matter.

Also, do visible negotiating with other family members. ‘Jill, I know you prefer lunch but I can’t manage that this month. Can we do Thursday night this time, but go for lunch next time?’.

If she’s anything like DM, she genuinely doesn’t think anyone would want to go to restaurant x because restaurant y is obviously preferable.

You have to get in early and often with plans.

I posted a similar situation on here a few years ago about my DS and his gf. She was awful, and when I posted, I got my arse handed to me on a plate. 4 years on, and all my initial thoughts turned out to be true. BUT. And it is a big BUT. As much as I disliked her then, it has dissipated in that she now makes much more effort with us as a family, and we're included in a lot of her decisions where my DGC are concerned. I have never gone in with all guns blazing at any point - but have sat them both down and explained how hurt I've been by her actions. He's not blameless in this either, but my point is that 4 years later, our relationship with her is much much better. There is hope OP

I think you need to have some trust in your relationship with your son though. I can't imagine a quiet word provoking some massive "cut her off" reaction. Maybe phrase it more along the lines of you want to support him and you'll always be there, etc. Think if a neutral way? If he can see it's coming from a place of love and concern I don't think he will take it badly.

Tbh i think it depends on your ds personality. I have four dc and three of them would absolutely listen to my concerns and not be offended but one of them absolutely wouldn’t and it would cause a row. Only you know if your ds will listen to you.

Be supportive, stitch on a smile and be welcoming. He makes his own decisions. Just be around and warmly help if it falls apart and he needs support.

OP he knows what she’s like. He proposed to her and lives it there.

leave them to it. Smile, congratulate and wave.

Don't say anything he will marry her anyway and only harbour resentment against you.
My own parents told me they didn't think my fiancee was right for me. I ignored them, but they were right and being the loving pair they were they never said "We told you so" when the marriage went tit's up very quickly! But they were there for me, being supportive and that's all you can do.
Just smile on the day, hope it will be okay but be there if it isn't.

Ask him if he’s happy? Point them to some premarital counselling (standard marriage preparation stuff like are we on the same page re kids, finances, where we will live etc…) so he can be absolutely sure he’s going into it with his eyes open.

Better to say something now than after they get married surely…

OP you need to cut the strings. You love your son and to think so incredibly badly of his choice is awful too. You haven’t said one good or nice thing about her in any way and your post reads that you can only see the bad. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

You run the serious risk of alienating him because you don’t love her. He does. Seriously ask yourself who would actually be good enough?

Respect his decision. You may not like it but he loves her and it’s his life. Otherwise if she is t abusive or dangerous consider getting to know her better and finding some good in her - lunch perhaps?

You say “push me out completely” at the end of your post

are you feeling somewhat pushed out already?

I wouldn't invite her for coffee just keep her at arms length but be pleasant when you see her even if he is making a mistake it's his to make. She must have some redeeming features she can't be all bad ? Concentrate on those.

Another vote for keeping it to yourself.

My MIL “had a quiet word” with my husband before we got married. After staying with us for a few days and only seeing a snippet of our relationship (and jumping to ridiculous assumptions in her head which were quite frankly the opposite of what had happened).

He came straight to me furious about her comments and told her to butt out and that he was v happy in his relationship.

It’s water under the bridge now but it really annoyed both of us and tainted things for a while. And obviously I won’t forget what she said about me.

Not saying this is the same situation but it isn’t worth bringing up and making things awkward - he will still marry her.

If anything just make it clear you will always support his decisions and remind him that he is allowed to put his needs first too (without having a conversation along the lines of “I’m concerned about x y or z”).

My advice would be to say nothing to your son, you’ll irreparably damage your relationship with him and if push comes to shove he will choose her, as he should, because he’s a grown man and makes his own decisions.

No one knows what goes on in relationships apart from the two people involved, he loves her and that should be enough for you. Just imagine if your mother or someone else had interfered in your choice of partner as you were about to get married, how would you have reacted? I’m pretty sure you would have told them to mind their own business.

Maybe if you try to see something appealing or positive about your future DIL you’ll find it.