Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

I do see what you’re saying, and maybe I am overthinking things. It’s just hard when you’ve spent years looking out for someone to suddenly switch that off and not worry.

You’re right about the car thing if she’d been drinking, then fair enough. Maybe I was too quick to jump on that. And the football, yes, that was his decision, no one forced him. I just wish he didn’t feel like he had to give up so much to keep her happy. But maybe, like you say, he wants to. Maybe this is just who he is in a relationship, and I need to accept that.

I think I just need to take a step back, stop reading into every little thing, and trust that he’s happy. Even if I don’t always get their dynamic, it’s his life, and I don’t want to be the one making him feel like he has to defend it.

My MIL, SIL and FIL have never liked me. I've known them 24 years but have been no contact now for 2 years. I support my husband in his contact with them and he still takes the children round.

In the early days I think they all felt our relationship would fizzle out so didnt say anything. Things changed v much when we married. It became worse still when I had my first baby. Regular cutting criticisms and a point blank refusal to engage with what modern parenting looks like.

They never said anything to my husband but it is clear to us both that I am not liked. So I don't bother anymore.

I'd imagine your soon to be daughter in law knows she isn't liked, without you needing to say a thing.

Very close, very involved. She’s the youngest and only girl, so definitely a bit of a princess in their eyes. They’re nice enough on the surface, but I do get the feeling that they think the world revolves around them. Everything seems to be on their terms Christmas, holidays, family events. It’s always assumed that DS will just slot into their plans rather than them ever compromising.

Her mum is… a lot. Very opinionated, very sure that her way is the right way. And I can’t help but feel like DIL has picked up a lot of that from her. It’s all quite intense. I sometimes wonder if DS even realises just how much he’s been absorbed into their world, rather than them meeting in the middle.

Having read all your posts it sounds like your son struggles to hold his own adult boundaries and the examples you give have resulted in him compromising what’s best for him.

there will be a reason why he struggles to do this and a few things stand out to me in what you have said:

-his siblings feel the same as you

-you are having sleepless nights over who he has chosen to be with

-he is telling you it doesn’t feel right

im wondering if you’ve been a very close family and now your son is separating and it’s hard for you all. And he is confiding examples where this is not the case because he knows you will get it and then he feels heard

however he IS getting his current needs met in this relationship or else he wouldn’t want to make it concrete

the question is what are those needs around how he functions in relation to others?

I have a friend in a previously nuclear family of four and the women her brother has married is vested by this family with all the blame for his separating much like the other examples here - she is blamed for making him carry shopping home, do childcare, do childcare when she is doing her hobby.

their only focus when they are together is a focus on watching to blame her for things that went wrong, afterwards in phonecalls with each other

they can’t accept he has chosen to separate and do things differently from how they were as a family

im not suggesting this is you but it’s a cautionary example

the sad thing is the women knows nothing of this role they have given her and thinks they like her

Again, you’re blaming her family, rather than acknowledging that your son makes his own decisions, and that you don’t currently approve of many of them.

My DB has been completely absorbed into his wife’s family. My mother gets sad and shakes her head and quotes ‘A daughter’s a daughter etc’, but it’s total nonsense. DB chose to marry someone not terribly bright, but practical, calm and straightforward, and who has a close, very straightforward relationship with all her large, sociable family. Our family is much smaller, more fraught, distant and we all have complicated relationships with one another — I can absolutely see why he finds her family very easy to slot into, especially as he’s an anxious, rather doomy person. I find his wife difficult to tolerate. She’s tactless, dull and a bit dopey. But I can see her calm, basic outlook is good for him. He made the right choice.

And one of the reasons they don’t spend more time visiting my parents is that their house, our childhood home, is absolutely tiny, primitive and lacks privacy. His wife hates it, and I don’t blame her! But you can’t tell your parents that.

Just to add, I do wish my grandparents had said something, just so he could have gone into it with his eyes open. He probably wouldn't have listened and it might have driven a wedge. I suppose even if it had worked my mum would have just moved onto someone else and had kids with then. Yes, I wouldn't have existed but it was a nightmare having her as a mum.
It's not always the MIL in the wrong. Sometimes it's the DIL

To be honest, I don't think she sounds great. I can understand why you're sad that this is who he's marrying. I just don't think any good will come of trying to intervene. I think there's a lot of hindsight in the people saying they wish someone had talked to them about their rubbish partner - in reality people do not receive such talks well and, crucially, it is not just pointless but counterproductive, it drives them closer to the partner and away from the person trying to intervene.

OP I've read all your posts. Again gently, you need a reality check as soon as possible. Your son is almost 30. He's not a child.

Also respectfully, I would have got major ick (is that how you say it?) if my boyfriend overshared so much to his mum. I find it super weird to share this much with your mum about mundane everyday stuff. The broken down car details? The flu details? My only conclusion is he has absolutely picked up on your feelings of being pushed out and he's trying to overshare so that you don't feel bad.

Again having read all your posts it's all a massive red flag, please take a step back, take a breath, and again a very good recommendation by other PPs to get some therapy.

Best of luck

I’m torn on this. It could simply be that you’re seeing this in an unfair light because that’s the picture your DS is painting for you. (His GF isn’t here to give her side after all.) And the examples you’re giving us aren’t exactly that bad.

OTOH, you know her and we don’t. If you’re genuinely concerned, it’s worth asking him if he’s sure she’s right for him. He gives you plenty of opportunities to do so, after all.

My DSis’s exH was abusive to her. We were always unsure of him but none of us spoke up because we didn’t want to interfere. It later transpired that the relationship had already started to unravel before the wedding. He’d already been violent towards her and 2 weeks before the wedding he confessed to being £17k in debt. He asked her if she wanted to pull out, but she said that she wasn’t that shallow.’

If one of us had spoken up at all, maybe she’d have confided in us and found the courage to cancel the wedding.

Thankfully (as she eventually realised) he left her after 2 years, and she filed for divorce. She’s now happily married to her lovely second DH. But it was at a huge cost to her, and to my DM, who bailed him out and never saw the money again.

So yes, I think it would be appropriate to broach the subject with your DS.

I would have a gentle chat with him on asking what her good points are and what would have happened if he didn't do what she wanted. I'm worried that it sounds like coercive control. It's much easier if he does want to leave to do it before any children are born. We don't tell women who are abused to grow a backbone so I don't think that it's great to tell him the same thing.

Just to add a different take…. My Fil hated me for two years when I got with Dh. Wouldn’t talk to me, thought I wasn’t good enough. I found them overbearing and clingy. Fil had adored DH’s ex which didn’t help.
I was a bit of a selfish twat in my early twenties- I had an insular upbringing and very judgey mother. Anyway years down the line I think they like me more than their son (who’s aging into a grumpy old bastard) - we’ve all grown up and come to agreements about things.

This is one of those posts whereupon you'd like to hear the other side...

No-one would be saying this if this situation involved a daughter, and OP reported the same concerns about her future son in law. It would all be 'trust your gut about this man'.
Likewise no-one would be saying that a DD was oversharing in mentioning those incidents to her mum.

There are posters on this thread who just see a future MIL posting, and their knee-jerk reaction is to defend the future DIL.

OP has been entirely reasonable on this thread, and has been listening and responding calmly and thoughtfully. There is so much projection going on from people who've had difficulties with their own MILs, that is irrelevant to this particular mum's concerns and attitude.

@saraclara I completely agree that the replies would be very different if OP were discussing her dd instead of her ds. MN has some weird hatred of MILs and they can do nothing right.

The only time you intervene in any relationship is when someone is looking like it could lead to real danger, physically, emotionally or financially. Maybe he will get a bit subsumed, the only real issue is the football one. That may actually be insecurity on her part and her not trusting him. to be honest I would just think someone is wet and needy if they can't manage two hours alone.

I did say something to a friend once about their partner and I lost that friend. Did I regret it ? No because I think she was in real danger. He had concrete controlling behaviour and was shouting at her.

I have a DS I would say he should still be able to go to football and if she was that lonely that easily then would he be prepared to never be able to do anything without her.

I disagree. If I thought either of my daughters was making a mistake I’d have to speak to them. Parents know their children .It doesn’t have to be done in a confrontational way.

Omg I've heard it all now. It is not 'super weird' to tell your mother that you've had the flu or that your car broke down.

Definitely don’t say anything at the moment. They’ll be all in the engagement glow right now by I’m sure there will be a few stressful moments in the run up that might prompt a discussion.

My mum asked me in quite a clever way I think. She said that her mother had asked her a few weeks before the wedding if she was 100% certain she was doing the right thing and she wanted to ask me the same thing - not because she thought I was doing the wrong thing but just because organising a wedding can be like a runaway train but that it can be stopped if you want it to be. As it happened I didn’t want to stop it and we’ve been happily married for 23 years, but I did appreciate her giving me a get out clause if I wanted it.

I have a cold. Texted my mum to let her know I had fever. I'm such an mamas girl ick that my bf should leave me.

In my opinion it's very weird to feel the need to overshare this much. It's not "mentioned you have the flu", it's a whole analysis of how sick he was, that his GF asked to go to that family thing, that her mum was upset if he didn't go, and that in the end he ended up going. Again in my opinion it's too much. I don't understand how he could be arsed sharing all that. Fucking mundane boring and strange. What's next? Mentioning what he wore at the family gathering, what he ate, what he drank, where they parked. So odd.

It's a different thing to share that you have a cold or that your car broke down or whatever, and a whole other thing to offer a full play of private, boring, and mundane details of conversations you are having with your partner. And quite obviously from this thread, if this odd oversharing hadn't happened, the OP wouldn't really have had a chance to ruminate on all this and come up with examples of how "selfish" her DIL is.

@saraclara

"There is so much projection going on from people who've had difficulties with their own MILs, that is irrelevant to this particular mum's concerns and attitude"

Yeah, perhaps there is some bias against MILs. And some projection.

There's also a lot of us who are posting from being in the shoes of the son, where our mums didn't think our chosen partner was good enough. So... Yeah. Some posts in this thread are the exact opposite of "irrelevant".

In my opinion it's completely normal to talk about these things. You seem really angry that people talk about mundane things with their families.

Completely disagree with this.

The red flags I'm seeing are from the controlling actions of the GF - emotional blackmail " don't go out for 2 hours a week and meet your mates, I'm lonely" the overriding of him being ill as doing what she wants is more important etc etc etc.

Honestly OP it's ringing a lot alarm bells for me. I'd say trust your instincts.

But the OP isn't saying the GF isn't good enough, she's saying she's concerned about her behaviour and attitude towards her son - that's very, very different to "nobody's good enough for my boy"

You are banging your personal drum Alpacamittens but the issue the OP is raising is actually quite different and potentially very concerning.