DSis threatening to destroy my family with secret recording what do I do?

[InsufficantLizard]

NC for this because it’s beyond messy, and I feel sick even typing it.

Long story short, DSis and I have always had a strained relationship, but we were civil for the sake of DM. Well, that’s out the window now. She’s been holding onto a secret recording of me saying something (out of context, obviously) that could genuinely ruin my marriage and family life if it got out. She’s now threatening to send it to DH and possibly others unless I do what she wants (not going into details, but it’s completely unreasonable).

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. DH would be absolutely gutted if he heard it, even though I swear it’s not what it sounds like. I don’t know whether to try and reason with her (unlikely to work), preemptively tell DH (but risk blowing everything up myself), or just wait and see if she actually does it.

For context, DSis has always been a bit of a drama queen, but this is next level. I just don’t understand how my own sister could be so cruel.

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Handhold needed, please. I feel sick. 😞

But what guarantee does she have that the sister won’t get what she wants and send the recording anyway? Or even, continue to make more ludicrous demands after the evidence it worked the first time?

I think you need to go head on with this, explain to DH that DSis took something out of context and is using it against you to make demands. If he knows you well, and knows your sister is unreasonable, why wouldn’t he believe you?

What exactly did you say, and what is the original context? Is it believable that you weren’t saying anything bad?

The best way is likely to be that you talk to Family first.
Think about Political Scandals; they were always worse and lasted longer because the people tried to cover it up or deny.

You're kidding!

This would be my instinct, too, but you need to have something that actually WOULD devastate her life 🤔.
The best option is probably to preemptively tell your DH the whole story, painful as it may be. Then tell the police. Blackmailers, when successful once, tend to get hooked on power, and will come back for more for as long as they can.

I have no idea what could be that bad a spouse would end a marriage over it.

If it is clearly out of context your dh should trust you. If he doesn't you have bigger problems all round.

You need to face up to it whatever it is or she will always hold it over you.

If I was the DH I would not find this believable and would then doubt any further explanation (ie “taken out of context”) even more.

AI voices of celebrities are believable because they have thousands of hours of voice recordings to work off. I don’t think it’s quite so easy to get a believable sounding recording of your family.

Have you actually read the op? She is effectively being blackmailed so is therefore outside the realms of a normal sister relationship.

Op I would explain the context to your DH and also what she is threatening to do. He surely must have some inkling as to what sort of person she is? Then block and go no contact. Your sister is a despicable human being

B. preemptively tell DH

You have not other option.

If she doesn't use it now she will use it eventually and it will be hanging over you indefinitely. If it's not what it sounds like, surely he will believe your version of events over hers.

Without knowing what it is I would come clean with your DH, DSIS sounds like a right nutter whose behaviour will probably escalate if you give in. You've not mentioned your DH being a nutter so odds are it's the better option.

Honesty is the best policy. Speak to your DH. Tell him you need his help. Explain the situation, show him your boobs, and get him onside, then go to war together against your horrible sister.

Tell her that you have told him. Then decide whether to tell him.

This. It's the only way to stop this turning into years of worry.

If you do what she wants now, she’ll just use it to make you do something else next year, and for the rest of your life.
Do you have any evidence that she knows it’s taken out of context or of the blackmail in general? Can you try and get some by sending her a message? (E.g. “you know I was talking about x in that message but out of context it sounds like I meant y?”)

But whatever happens you have to come clean. Perhaps write down how the conversation actually went to have it clear in your mind. Perhaps also think of ways to address concerns the manipulated story might address in advance.

I can’t think of many people who would trust their spouse’s mental sibling over their spouse in this situation, hope for the best!

Blackmail is illegal. I’d call her bluff.

In this order I would call the police and have her arrested for blackmail, she’s committing an offence. I’d then speak to DH and fill him in from start to finish.

If you give in to the blackmail it’ll never end, take away her power and cut her off. Your relationship with her is over anyway.

Go to the police first and stop her before having to tell your Dh anything.

You need to tell your DH, Op, it's the only way to get control back. I would tell your sister this, and also tell her that you are considering reporting to the police as what she is doing is illegal.

Blackmail is a criminal offence, however running to the police and saying 'my sister is blackmailing me' isn't enough to get them to do anything.

What evidence do you have of her blackmailing you? I presume she's not stupid enough to put it in texts etc. If it's only verbal, i'd be secretly recording every interaction with her and 'blackmail' her right back with threats of the police. Mutually assured destruction.

Also, will the unreasonable thing she wants you to do still be relevant if you go NC with her? This isn’t ‘barely civil’, she’s broken that, so why have her in your life at all?

This. I would be inclined to fess up and then cut all contact with my sister. I’m usually very slow to say go NC but this is crazy toxic behaviour

If it was you saying your DH was useless, lazy, bad in bed etc…. That’s bad and he would be hurt but if explained and reasoned he might get over it after being angry for a while.

It is awful that your sister did this but there is a lesson there - loose lips sink ships.

If you don't tell your DH, she will always hold the power.

I am assuming your DH already knows what your DSis is like and will know that this is exactly the kind of drama she revels in?

Without knowing what the recording is and what the thing she wants you to do is makes it pretty difficult to judge.

I think two pronged. I would tell Dh because if it comes from her it looks like you are scrambling in response so I would want to take control of it.

Secondly I would report her to the police for blackmail and even better if you have written evidence of it. If you don't try to get her to put it in writing to you, ask her for clarification. Two can play this game and she isn't holding the winning hand she thinks she is.

Record her blackmailing you then threaten the police.

I know, I know. I probably should just tell DH first, but I’m absolutely terrified of how he’ll react. It’s not that bad, but out of context, it sounds awful, and I don’t know if he’ll see past it. DSis is making out like it’s some huge betrayal when it’s really not, but I can’t unring the bell once it’s out there.

I keep thinking if I just ignore her, she might not go through with it, but if she does, I’ll look even worse for not saying anything first. Feel like I’m stuck either way.