DSis threatening to destroy my family with secret recording what do I do?

[InsufficantLizard]

NC for this because it’s beyond messy, and I feel sick even typing it.

Long story short, DSis and I have always had a strained relationship, but we were civil for the sake of DM. Well, that’s out the window now. She’s been holding onto a secret recording of me saying something (out of context, obviously) that could genuinely ruin my marriage and family life if it got out. She’s now threatening to send it to DH and possibly others unless I do what she wants (not going into details, but it’s completely unreasonable).

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. DH would be absolutely gutted if he heard it, even though I swear it’s not what it sounds like. I don’t know whether to try and reason with her (unlikely to work), preemptively tell DH (but risk blowing everything up myself), or just wait and see if she actually does it.

For context, DSis has always been a bit of a drama queen, but this is next level. I just don’t understand how my own sister could be so cruel.

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Handhold needed, please. I feel sick. 😞

So she doesn't have a recording of you confessing something like one of the kids is not dh's or you cheated on him? It's something you said that been taken out of context then you need to discuss this with your dh and explain it to him in the correct context and explain what your sister is doing.

Get brave and actually have a conversation with the man you took vows with, for goodness sake! Surely he must know how batshit your sister is? And in the long run, you'll make yourself look worse because the longer you leave it, the more it looks like you do have something to hide.

Agree with this

If you give into blackmail once, you'll never hear the end of it. It'll just happen again and again

Just tell him! Surely he knows what she’s like
and block her and cut contact with this woman and move on with your life

what a drama

This woman sounds awful and if you don't find an effective and robust way of dealing with this now then you will never be free of her.

You need this person out of your life.

This. It’s illegal to blackmail and is it not illegal to record (and use it) without permission (not sure on that one).

I would advise her if she continues to threaten this course of action you will go to the police. It's illegal. Giving in to her demands will put you under her thumb forever especially if you cave in this time.

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchy has it!

Also, later on in the conversation with your husband tell him that you're going to the police. Even if they don't do anything, the fact that you've gone will show just how serious you are that this recording is misrepresenting the actual conversation, and that she's blackmailing you.

I agree with everyone saying you have to get in front of it. Otherwise you'll live in fear for the rest of your life.
There is a risk, you may lose some people from your life, but anyone who sides with a blackmailer is as much a P.O.S. as they are.

Your dsis sounds awful
How is she blackmailing you? By text or email so you have proof? I would politely remind her blackmail is illegal and if she continues you will report her to the police

Then tell dh before she does so you can give him the full story in the correct context

I too have a nightmare sister. I cut all contact with her years ago. She and her husband launched a full-on hate campaign against me after I tried to set boundaries with her. They spread all kinds of awful about me which was desperately upsetting but I realised there was nothing I could do about it.

You cannot reason with people like that.

Can I ask a few questions...

Do you think she is playing a power game with you?
Why was she recording you and when was the recording made?
Were you aware that she was recording you at the time?

This is relevant because I'd be interested to know if she was recording you with the specific intention of using it against you in the future.

She’s going to tell your DH sooner rather than later once you stop giving in to her demands so you need to take the lead.

It’s not quite as simple as ‘have her arrested’ or record her and then blackmail her back.

The general advice is report to your local police, do not engage with her and save whatever evidence you have to share with the police.

If she’s threatening you by text, email or social media, you may also be able to report her for malicious communications.

None of this has an immediate result so you still need to take charge. Tell your husband. Control the narrative. And never speak to the evil cow ever again.

Report her to the police re blackmail.
Tell your dh.

Its hard to give advice when we don't know what you said

"Don't wait for unpleasant disclosures to burst. If the truth must be told, see you tell it first."

Personally, if it's not 'that' bad and can be explained in context then I'd do absolutely nothing. I'd tell 'd'sis to do what she wants but if she decides to do that, everyone in the family will see her for what she is. Presumably she's had the recording for a while so surely the wider family will be horrified that she has sat on something and tried to use it to blackmail you. IF it comes out I'd tell DH you didn't mention it because it's not a big deal and laughable because you have a strong relationship and it was nothing, so you just disregarded it as a joke/wind up.

Though this is without knowing what it is. If my DH had been slagging me off on a night out I'd be fuming but I'd get over it as we all have a moan sometimes. But if it was my DH grinding up against a randomer on a night out then it would be hard to find a context where that was OK...it depends what it is and what your boundaries are. If you have in fact crossed a boundary within your relationship then my advice is to fess up and face the consequences.

I think if you share what it is you said and the context I reckon people will reassure you that it’s not that bad.

Report to the police. She’s blackmailing you plain and simple.

All the more reason to tell him first, then you can fill in the context.

A bit concerned that you think your DH is more likely to end your marriage over an out of context, but slightly dodgy comment, than he will support you because your whack job of a sister is trying to blackmail you. Doesn't sound like much of a husband.

She's made a secret recording, why? that's crazy, and is blackmailing you, both are against the law. I would tell DH all about it then report it to the police. Whatever happens you can move on with your life. No contact.

Talk to your husband, explain the context and cut contact with your toxic DSis. It feels like the only way for you, otherwise it'll be like the Sword of Damocles hanging over you forever.

To me it sounds as if you have said something so awful that it will break up your family. I fail to see how you can have said something out of context which has the power to destroy your family. That just isn’t plausible. And now that it’s emerged your sister recorded the conversation you’ve suddenly realised that your DH is going to find out something about you which could break your marriage.

If your sister was that bad, then he’d know that and know not to take anything she’d said seriously. But now you’re bricking it because he’s going to find out the truth about what you think/feel/have done.

You need to come clean, and accept the consequences of what you’ve said.

And lesson learned. Never say anything which can’t be used against you.

Depending on your safety- do you have a copy of this recording? Do you have copies of the threatening messages sent by your sister based on her releasing the recording to family? If yes to both I’d say to make it public to all family with a summary of the threatening emails as well (not originals in case of legal problems but I’m not sure on this so do check). Explain your context. Once it’s out then the threats will be the focus. Do check on your safety though. If you’d be at risk of violence or anything else nasty don’t take any risks.

Tbh I'm not sure why something that isn't that bad when taken in context is threatening to destroy your marriage. That's quite some juxtaposition. Either it's bad enough in context to destroy your marriage, or it's not. And if it's not, then just tell your dh. Presumably he knows your sister has form for being a stirring, back stabbing piece of work, so he'll understand. I couldn't live the knowledge that someone had that level of control over me or my marriage. Tell your dh, go NC with your piece of shit sister.

whatever you do, do not put yourself into a position where she can blackmail you. Come clean to DH. It's gonna hang over you. And cut all contact.

blackmailing is also a crime. I would consider reporting her to the police. But I wouldn't put myself into a position where she can use the recording to blackmail any further.

I have a random question.
Would the police actually DO anything? There's no money involved, presumably, DSis is trying to get OP to behave in a certain way and the message, if DH takes it badly might mean the end of her marriage, but it's all very 'mental manipulation' rather than actually profiting anyone - so bearing in mind the police won't even come out if you are being burgled - would they actually, in real life, go to DSis and tell her she was committing a crime? Or is all the 'go to the police' designed more to put the wind up DSis?

OP, you have to tell your DH and then never speak to your sister again.