DSis threatening to destroy my family with secret recording what do I do?

[InsufficantLizard]

NC for this because it’s beyond messy, and I feel sick even typing it.

Long story short, DSis and I have always had a strained relationship, but we were civil for the sake of DM. Well, that’s out the window now. She’s been holding onto a secret recording of me saying something (out of context, obviously) that could genuinely ruin my marriage and family life if it got out. She’s now threatening to send it to DH and possibly others unless I do what she wants (not going into details, but it’s completely unreasonable).

I feel like I’m in a nightmare. DH would be absolutely gutted if he heard it, even though I swear it’s not what it sounds like. I don’t know whether to try and reason with her (unlikely to work), preemptively tell DH (but risk blowing everything up myself), or just wait and see if she actually does it.

For context, DSis has always been a bit of a drama queen, but this is next level. I just don’t understand how my own sister could be so cruel.

What would you do? Anyone been in a similar situation? Handhold needed, please. I feel sick. 😞

I can't imagine what this is that isn't that bad but you're terrified of telling him, but you can't give into blackmail. Just tell DH and explain the context.

How did she get the recording? Was she asking you questions to pump you for information?!

Oh for goodness sake. Just tell your DH what it says in the right context.and that your sister is blackmailing you over it.

I'd you can't tell your DH things like this then that isn't a very strong relationship. He should be taking your side against your sister.

Offering a handhold, @InsufficantLizard - I went through similar with a brother last year with a series of unspeakably vile, abusive messages in which amongst other things he threatened to disclose something I had told him in confidence and threatened to destroy DH. With hindsight I should have reported his messages to the police.

Speak to your husband and call her out! She wont settle for one thing, She will go on and on blackmailing you. Stand up to her and take back control.

It’s not that bad, but out of context, it sounds awful, and I don’t know if he’ll see past it

Personally, I’d contact the police and hope it frightened the shit out of her. But the trouble with that is that there’s nothing from stopping her from telling your DH anyway. Without a court order, there’s nothing to force her to keep your secret.

I think you need to take away her power and the only way you’re going to be able to do that is to be completely honest with your DH and tell him exactly what you said and the context it was said in. If it’s something like he’s crap in bed and you prefer your ex, then you’re going to have to face up to the fact that you fucked up massively and you’re really sorry. And let him process his hurt and anger at his own pace. What you can’t do is minimise it or make him feel like he’s over reacting.

I wouldn’t be bother there by her and her nonsense. Let her send it.
Perhaps be mindful about what you say and to who in the future
if this can wreck your marriage and you didnt confess to killing your husbands mother is this the type of insecure relationship you want to be in?

The saying
publish and be damned springs to mind.

Here is a link to the current legislation re blackmail.

Because that's what this is.

Penalty potentially fourteen years.

Try to get her threats in writing - maybe email or text her.

Then show it to her and ask if she wishes to proceed.

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1968/60/section/21

You should report this blackmail attempt to the police.

OP l’d tell your DH what was said in the context in which it was meant, and then tell him about what your sister is doing. If you think your sister isn’t going to tell him at some point, regardless of the blackmail, l think you’re kidding yourself. It will come out and she’ll make sure of maximum damage. Better to tell him yourself then go NC with your sister. If you have proof of her blackmail l would go to the police, and also show it to your DH. I think this is the most sensible way forward - you only have to give in to her threats once and she’ll hold it over you for ever. Take away the power before she has a chance to use it.

The only way out of this is to come clean to your DH, give the full context, explain the situation and your DSis behaviour, the blackmail..etc. and deal with the fall out.

If your relationship can't survive what you said with context provided, then perhaps you shouldn't have said it, and you're just going to have to get on with the FO part of FAFO.

I know that this isn’t easy and I’d be dreading it but I would sit DH down and explain the whole thing including what’s on the recording and the context and the blackmail. I’m confident that if you explain the whole situation, he’ll be disgusted at your sister for blackmailing you.

I don’t understand why you don’t just take her phone and do a factory reset.
Check her emails and make sure nothing is backed up. Delete from the cloud.

She’s your sister not a criminal mastermind.

Also bearing in mind that we’re anonymous strangers OP, do you want to tell us what it is so we can say how we’d go about it? Totally understand if you don’t, no pressure

You have to preempt her or there's absolutely no chance he'll believe you as you didn't give him the chance to decide that himself!

Quite apart from the fact that what you’re suggesting is illegal, I wouldn’t take the risk that she didn’t have a copy stashed away somewhere. It’s no simple matter to just take someones potentially passworded phone and raid it like a bandit.

Very sorry that you are going through this. I’d remind your DSis that she is likely breaking any number of laws, blackmail, malicious communications etc.

Just neutralise the threat by speaking to your DH. I presume the out of context recording conveys he was not first choice, or that you cheated. Explain the context around the recording and that it does not give the full picture. Don’t tell your DSis you’ve had the conversation and ignore her.

Did you say something about him TO her?

I personally think you need to tell DH all about it, unless he is an unreasonable person, he will surely trust the context of how you said it if you explain all the details.

If you don't explain and he founds out what it was how could he believe you, he'd just think you were making an excuse to cover your arse.

As hard as it is I'd tell him, but honesty is massively important to me, so I couldn't bear him to find out another way.

I’d blow up the family group chat with it. Take the power back and make her look like a bitch. Something like,’A few months ago I was really angry about xxx and I said something I shouldn’t in the heat of the moment. I said ‘xxx’ and I am truly sorry for what I did and the hurt it has caused. I didn’t mean it and it’s not true. I wanted to tell you in my own time but Sandra secretly recorded what I said and is now blackmailing me to the tune on £10k. Obviously this is illegal and Bob wants to go to the police about it.’

Blackmail is illegal

Has your DSis given you this ultimatum only verbally, or in writing (e.g. text WA)? If you have evidence of her threatening you, I would tell her you're going to report her to the Police for blackmail. She is one very nasty individual - you shouldn't expect this from your worst enemy, let alone your own sister!

Could you report her to the police? Blackmail s illegal.
or threaten to and do so if she doesn’t back off?

So what the hell did you say?

obviously better to tell him and diffuse her threat

Talk to him first and don’t deal with her. Tell him out of the blue she’s produced a recording without any context and is trying to blackmail you with it so you’ve immediately decided to tell him what she’s up to as you have nothing to hide.