Binned off by my girlfriend for a parcel, AIBU?

[Quarterofacenturyold]

I'm a woman, same sex relationship of around 6 months if its relevant, probably not but mentioning for context. We've been taking it slowly but are exclusive, have met one another's parents etc.

Yesterday we were making plans to take a drive down to the coast today to make the most of the nice weather. Ice creams, doughnuts and whatever else. I'm on annual leave this week and she doesn't work on Thursdays *

An hour or so after we finalised our plans she text me a screenshot of a parcel that is due to be delivered today. For context, the parcel is a pair of shoes she needs for an event this coming Monday. Admittedly it's an important day for her.

I suggested she ask her neighbour if they'd mind taking in the parcel or failing that, I said if it's royal mail she would be able to go and collect it from the depot.

She doesn't cancel our plans which is what I assumed she would have done there and then if she'd decided not to come.

Fast forward to this morning (one hour before we are due to leave) I text and asked what time she'd be ready for me to collect her, only then does she tell me she isn't coming.

She said she can't do anything today except to wait indoors for the parcel and that I should go ahead regardless and enjoy my day.

I'm upset. In particular about her waiting until the last minute to tell me, but am I being unreasonable? What would you have done if you were her?

Similar has happened before.

I'm yet to respond.

OP ignore the “you don’t like your GF very much.” Comments. They just want fisty cuffs for the fun.

I think you are handling things amazingly.

You have reached your limit, and that’s ok.

OP, she is selfish, self absorbed and extremely manipulative.
You are a doormat and allow yourself to be repeatedly treated very poorly.

Of course you are not going to feel happly and content in a relationship where she treats you poorly and you keeping going back for more.

Stop hoping other people will change and take responsibility for yourself.
You need to change YOU, and how you allow yourself to be treated by others.

If you don't you will continue in this pattern where you attract users and you are treated like a useful mug.

I addressed it.

I asked why she didn't make it clear yesterday that she wasn't going to be coming today and asked whether I was supposed to interpret the screenshot as a cancellation.

She said she let me know this morning.

I said yes, only after I text you asking what time you'd be ready!

She gave my message the thumbs up and hasn't replied.

I think that says it all really.

I agree with you Podgey, I've allowed this shit show to play out so that's on me. When people show you who they are believe them and all that 😔

Wow.

ok she’s an actual cunt to boot.

im sorry op.

Do you know what.

I apologise for saying “wow” because my GF does that and I hate it.

she couldn't care less could she? I'd be fuming at the thumbs up emoji

Really?! Doesn't your post come around the same time each day? Mine always has and I've lived all over too!

Ours doesn't and it didn't where we lived before either, but we are quite rural so maybe that makes a difference

She is rude isn't she.

She will be sat at home pissed off at me now because I wanted to talk about it and not have it brushed under the carpet on the basis that her neighbour has died.

If I don't reach out to her again before the weekend she will likely not speak to me until Sunday afternoon, at which point she will try again to brush it under the carpet by asking how my weekend was (because she knows she will probably see me on Monday)

A bit outing but she works directly opposite my workplace, that's how we met.

She gave my message the thumbs up and hasn't replied.

She could fuck all the way off after that. I really hope you decide you deserve better than this.

Yeah, the thumbs up is so passive aggressive. Do you actually want to carry on with her? I've got a friend who is like this. I'm one of very few longstanding friends that has anything to do with her. She's always the hero and the victim. I always instigate contact, when she complains that I don't do xyz I then attempt to do xyz only for radio silence to ensue. If i get upset, then i get disdain and self importance in rerurn. But I realised a while ago that she doesn't give back at all (or probably give a shit) and I'm quietly letting it go. Obviously not what you can do with a partner though.

Please say you aren't continuing the relationship? You could just end the relationship now with a clear message, then there will be no need to play a cat and mouse game of who cracks and messages whom first.

I mean it really kindly.

We can rant and rave about being treated badly by people, but it is ultimately on us if we accept it repeatedly.

"Treat me badly once, shame on you.
Treat me badly twice, shame on me."

Her thumbs up is to tell you clearly "whatever, I could give a shit".

She has done this so many times.
This is who she is.

Unfortunately when you accept being treated badly, users realise you have zero self respect and just treat you worse and worse, as if its a sport to them to witness just how much shit you will accept.

When you allow this and remain in a head space that this is all you deserve from someone.

You will attract the most awful users on a loop.
You will never attract a nice person because the users are so drawn to you.

Kind loving respectful people are rarely attracted to doormat people pleasers because it is actually stressful to watch.

I have met some very nice women friends but when i realised what doormats they were in their lives, I found them stressful to be around so didn't invest further.

"Women who love too much" by robin Norwood might be a good read for you.

The www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be good too.
You deserve the best.
Give yourself the chance to meet someone worthy of you.

She treats you like shite because you have allowed her to.
Raise your bar...
Get rid and don't look back..

Thank you all for validating how I feel and giving me a metaphorical kick up the backside.

When I posted I was on the fence about whether I was being OTT but I'm clear now that I'm not.

I've re-read all my posts and I'm so disappointed in myself for allowing somebody to treat me how she has.

I've got to draw a line as like you say she isn't going to change.

We probably won't speak over the weekend but come Monday, after her meeting is out of the way, I'm going to tell her it's over.

It's sad because we've had some lovely times but they are all interspersed with disrespect and a lack of consideration.

She isn't on good terms with any of her exes which should have been the first red flag, it's quite telling really.

Just missing the point here but it made me angry that it's bloody shoes! If they are so important why leave it until the last minute to buy them ffs.
I'm sorry I have zero patience with this, I'm a scruffy sort of person fussy clothes people drive me berserk.

I've just ordered "women who love too much" thank you for the reccomendation.

I've been fortunate to have had some really lovely relationships previously and haven't come up against something like this in an intimate relationship before, but I do think I have an issue with people pleasing in general that has probably factored in to why I've allowed it to continue.

Not my experience. Royal Mail say they ‘aim to deliver by 3pm’ but it’s sometimes later. Evri tell you 2 minutes after they’ve failed to deliver (whether you were in or out at the time). DPD are pretty good, in fairness.

I've had good experiences with both royal mail and evri, I know evri have a bad rep but the courier who covers this locality is fab. The posties are great too.

As an old women, may I give you further advice to not waste your time or energy beating yourself up.
Serves no purpose and just makes you feel worse.

Far far better to say I am so glad that I am realising finally that this isn't right and I am getting out of it.

Far better to focus on what red flags did you notice, that your gut tingled at, and you ignored?
Far better that you lean into the emotions of everything that you pushed down in yourself that had you going back for more, and stopped you saying no more.
Thats how we stop the pattern.

Don't labour the point with her. She deserves no more than a "I'm done, good luck👍" after her 👍.
She's a very deliberate cheeky cow that knows exactly what she is doing.
She is a real user of people too.

You deserve so much better.

Thank you so much for the sterling advice Podgey and all the others, I needed it and ill definitely be taking it.

This thread has helped me reach the point I needed to get to.

I've got some things at her house and she has some at mine but I'm not in any rush to get into comms about it.

I'll say what I have to say to her on Monday and if she responds how I think she will then it'll be easy enough to have somebody act as a go-between.

Good luck @Quarterofacenturyold

@Quarterofacenturyold I’ve read your entire thread and have been commiserating with you the whole way. If I were you I’d end it now and enjoy your weekend. Rip the plaster off and move on. You’re still considering her feelings too much in trying to avoid upsetting her before the event on Monday. She doesn’t deserve that consideration and worry after the way she’s treated you. Try to have a good day/weekend and see other friend to cheer yourself up. We’re all rooting for you. 💐

Read all of your comments, OP, and I just wanted to add that while it is clear you two are not compatible, I do think you need to work on communication. If you don’t like how someone is treating you, and you are noticing a pattern in their behaviour - approach it. Most people are unaware of how they act, when it comes down to it, and so their intention may not be in anyway bad. They may be mortified to have their bad behaviours shown to them. Now, I’m not saying this is the case with your girlfriend, but it seems clear to me that you have allowed your resentment towards her to build over a long period of time instead of tackling it head on. Life is so much easier when you tell people how you really feel. Good luck!

Be extremely proud of yourself.
So many get stuck in a pattern of accepting poor behaviour and it often takes until menopause for their self protecting, self serving, inner bitch to finally emerge.

Of course better late than never, and it is indeed a wonderful time, ......but so fxxking late.

It really needs to be taught by parents to their children from an early age, that they only deserve kindness and consideration from those they allow be around them.

If they aren't shown it, to quickly move on.

I used to say to my children when they were very young, "there are so many kind, wonderful people in your class, life etc., why would you spend any time bothering with those that are not?".

People are not projects for US to invest energy in excusing and fixing. Fxxk that.

I can barely fix things about myself, it's hard!........why the hell would I invest my time, my energy, my life, trying to fix anyone else?

Nope, not happening.
Just move on.

Read up on the "boiled frog analogy" and "the shark cage analogy".

"Why does he do that?" By Bundy, is an incredible book to help identify patterns of abusive behaviour.

Whatever your sex, toxic behaviour and understanding it is a gift to spot, understand, and most importantly avoid.

Be your own project for a while and focus on gathering the tools within you to spot the good 'uns, and ditch quickly the others.

It will be time very well spent.