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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Binned off by my girlfriend for a parcel, AIBU?

225 replies

Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 08:22

I'm a woman, same sex relationship of around 6 months if its relevant, probably not but mentioning for context. We've been taking it slowly but are exclusive, have met one another's parents etc.

Yesterday we were making plans to take a drive down to the coast today to make the most of the nice weather. Ice creams, doughnuts and whatever else. I'm on annual leave this week and she doesn't work on Thursdays *

An hour or so after we finalised our plans she text me a screenshot of a parcel that is due to be delivered today. For context, the parcel is a pair of shoes she needs for an event this coming Monday. Admittedly it's an important day for her.

I suggested she ask her neighbour if they'd mind taking in the parcel or failing that, I said if it's royal mail she would be able to go and collect it from the depot.

She doesn't cancel our plans which is what I assumed she would have done there and then if she'd decided not to come.

Fast forward to this morning (one hour before we are due to leave) I text and asked what time she'd be ready for me to collect her, only then does she tell me she isn't coming.

She said she can't do anything today except to wait indoors for the parcel and that I should go ahead regardless and enjoy my day.

I'm upset. In particular about her waiting until the last minute to tell me, but am I being unreasonable? What would you have done if you were her?

Similar has happened before.

I'm yet to respond.

OP posts:
InWithThePlums · 27/03/2025 12:06

Is she quite an anxious person? Maybe she would have been too worried to enjoy the day- she bloody well should have told you earlier though!!

InWithThePlums · 27/03/2025 12:07

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/03/2025 12:01

Presumably she thought that sending you the screenshot and details at the time was telling you that she wasn't coming?

I suspect this is the case too actually

Ilovemyshed · 27/03/2025 12:11

Perhaps she is thinking you won’t compromise either? Why not ask if she wants to spend the day together at hers waiting for the parcel and so something fun there?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/03/2025 12:26

are you still sulking, or did you eventually reply to her message/s
before the update from her ?

SpectacularBlahaj · 27/03/2025 12:37

You’re not being unreasonable. You had time off, she had time off, you had a lovely-sounding plan for a day together.

To cancel on the day is poor form. Especially if similar has happened before. She could have checked with neighbours to collect shoes, or asked for them to be left in a safe place, collect from a local pick-up point… these are all usually options. Even if they weren’t, you don’t cancel last minute! She could have said “Ah crap, I forgot I’m getting a delivery tomorrow that I really don’t want to miss.” And reschedule.

I don’t have advice for how to respond, but I would say you should get yourself some ice cream and a doughnut. Enjoy the weather.

Edit: Apologies, I hadn’t read all your follow-up messages, OP! I hope you’re able to still enjoy the weather. Her complaining about waiting for the parcel with no apology says it all. She sounds a bit too focused on herself.

TheRoundTable1983 · 27/03/2025 12:42

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 27/03/2025 08:26

She's not that into you if she'd rather wait indoors for a pair of shoes than spend the day with you.

I'd go and enjoy the day and then end the relationship.

This. First response nails it, as usual!

Definitelynotme2022 · 27/03/2025 12:45

LollyLand · 27/03/2025 08:29

Surely she can do both? Royal Mail usually have a regular delivery time.

I wouldn’t want to miss a delivery I needed by a certain date either but RM are good at leaving things in a safe place or with a neighbour. They never seem to take them back to be delivered another day anymore.

Not necessarily. If it needs a signature, then they definitely won't. If something goes missing, then the posties have to pay for it out of their wages.

BigHeadBertha · 27/03/2025 13:03

I don't think you have much of a relationship there. Meeting each other's parents doesn't necessarily mean anything. The "taking it slow" however, does mean something, most likely more disinterest on her end. And, considering how she seems to keep you around as a backup plan in case nothing better comes up, I wouldn't be sure that she is exclusive with you.

I think it's hugely important to not accept shabby treatment, regardless of how much you're attracted to someone. It never makes anyone think more highly of you, least of all yourself. Repeatedly ditching you at the last minute is definitely shabby treatment.

I'd move on and find someone who shows more enthusiasm about seeing you. Good luck.

AthWat · 27/03/2025 13:05

Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 11:44

I've helped her with a ton of prep for Monday. I'm always super supportive.

I didn't outright told me to 'go and enjoy my day in the sun' and no suggestion she'd want to see me if I didn't. As she cancelled I think the burden is on her to suggest an alternative or invite me round.

What if she thinks you are looking forward to your "day in the sun" and will enjoy it? Wouldn't it then be selfish to ask you to sit in waiting for a parcel?

Chunkilumptious · 27/03/2025 13:18

Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 11:44

I've helped her with a ton of prep for Monday. I'm always super supportive.

I didn't outright told me to 'go and enjoy my day in the sun' and no suggestion she'd want to see me if I didn't. As she cancelled I think the burden is on her to suggest an alternative or invite me round.

Ok, she's a flake more generally, but she let you know this time during some casual plans that actually, she needed to wait in and couldn't go to the beach but you should go ahead if you wished. If you wanted to hang out with her, why not say so? I wouldn't want to ask someone to sit in with me if they were talking about enjoying the sun.

I think you're also being a martyr and a bit intense.

It wasn't on her to make alternative arrangements for you or her parcel.

If you wanted to go to the beach you should have done so. She hasn't ruined your day.

Podgeys1 · 27/03/2025 13:19

She is showing you exactly who she is with her actions.
Be careful of ignoring this.
You will bitterly regret this.
She is a selfish inconsiderate person and that goes to the core of her.
That she would be annoyed at you being annoyed at her poor behaviour, tells me that she is controlling, manipulative with a narcissistic personality.

You are going to be badly let down by her if you continue seeing her.... and it will all your fault.
She really isn't into you. Sorry!

AthWat · 27/03/2025 13:36

Podgeys1 · 27/03/2025 13:19

She is showing you exactly who she is with her actions.
Be careful of ignoring this.
You will bitterly regret this.
She is a selfish inconsiderate person and that goes to the core of her.
That she would be annoyed at you being annoyed at her poor behaviour, tells me that she is controlling, manipulative with a narcissistic personality.

You are going to be badly let down by her if you continue seeing her.... and it will all your fault.
She really isn't into you. Sorry!

Are you really so absolutely sure of this, just on the information you have? No room in your mind for doubt at all, to the extent you are willing to give pottentially life-changing advice to a stranger with no caveats whatsoever? Nothing anyone else said during this thread gave you any reason to perhaps put a "maybe" in there?

Navyontop · 27/03/2025 13:42

Your new partner appears to be a terrible communicator and maybe a tad self involved.
My partner is so awful at communication, I’m two years deep and I love her deeply, but her communication or lack of drives me insane. It causes me anxiety, sometimes makes everything about her.
If This is going to be an issue, leave her now before you’re too invested.

Original poster
Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 13:43

I don't mind it if people think I'm being unreasonable, this is AIBU after all.

That's why I asked in the first place really, because I couldn't be sure whether I was or not.

I'm reassured that most don't think I have been.

PP mentioned me sulking - I'm not sulking.

I did respond to her message about the parcel not turning up, I just said "oh that sucks"

No response from her since.

I'm not sure what else I can say really.

I don't even think she realises she'd have upset me this morning as she just wanted to vent.

Or am I giving her too much credit? 😳

OP posts:
OopsyDaisie · 27/03/2025 13:48

TennesseeStella · 27/03/2025 08:29

I'd have assumed you realised I wasn't going to come when I sent the screenshot of the parcel delivery I was going to wait in for.
How is her communication otherwise? How has she been flaky with plans before?

Edited

I agree with this.
I wouldn't want to risk it not being delivered and then really she only has the Friday before the important event, I doubt it would be available ro collect at the depot the very next day. Thunk she a right not wanting to risk it.
Did she not say she would be able to go, last night?
ETA: Your updates show she has form for this, and would blame YOU if you said you were upset. That's horrible and quite toxic!

SpectacularBlahaj · 27/03/2025 13:48

“I don't even think she realises she'd have upset me this morning as she just wanted to vent.”

That’s so sad :(
You mentioned she was preparing for an important event. Is this something that’s sort of taken over her life recently, and it’s difficult to do/discuss anything else?

AthWat · 27/03/2025 13:55

Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 13:43

I don't mind it if people think I'm being unreasonable, this is AIBU after all.

That's why I asked in the first place really, because I couldn't be sure whether I was or not.

I'm reassured that most don't think I have been.

PP mentioned me sulking - I'm not sulking.

I did respond to her message about the parcel not turning up, I just said "oh that sucks"

No response from her since.

I'm not sure what else I can say really.

I don't even think she realises she'd have upset me this morning as she just wanted to vent.

Or am I giving her too much credit? 😳

Yes, her communication was poor.

But can I refer you to my question earlier.

Why do you assume she is not thinking that you want to go to the coast, and it would be selfish of her to ask you to hang round waiting for a parcel? That's a perfectly reasonable and logical way for her to act and think.

If you'd offered, you would know know exactly where you stand.

Original poster
Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 14:24

I think because there's a history of her cancelling on me last minute and fobbing me off, alongside an accumulated feeling of not being as important to her as she is to me, I don't want to come across as clingy.

Sometimes I get the impression she can take or leave me and isn't that fussed 😔

OP posts:
singlewhitetrashheap · 27/03/2025 14:29

This seems very one sided, as in you're the one making all the effort and she just drops you when it's inconvenient. I'd get rid. You deserve better.

Original poster
Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 14:35

singlewhitetrashheap · 27/03/2025 14:29

This seems very one sided, as in you're the one making all the effort and she just drops you when it's inconvenient. I'd get rid. You deserve better.

That's exactly what it is.

It's always me making the effort. I don't think she has gone out of her way for me once in the entire time I've known her, I always do.

I think I need to look at how much I value myself as PP's have advised 😔

OP posts:
Letstheriveranswer · 27/03/2025 14:39

TennesseeStella · 27/03/2025 10:20

I wouldn't have changed plans with family to wait in for a flower delivery either to be fair. It's extra annoying when the delivery is something you haven't even ordered yourself!

Show quote history

Nice...! It wasn't planned, they spontaneously decided to go out and the going out wasn't time sensitive. If they'd held off 40 minutes the flowers would have arrived. If someone cared enough to send me an expensive gift and my family suddenly decided to go out, I'd tell my family 'can we wait an hour and go then, so I can take this delivery'. Because I'd recognise the love and thought that went into it. Most people would. Especially at the "madly in love and can't bear to be apart" early stages.

SpectacularBlahaj · 27/03/2025 14:42

Honestly OP, you sound like you need the ice cream and doughnut. Getting fobbed off repeatedly isn’t conducive to a fulfilling relationship imo. Give yourself a hug.

Letstheriveranswer · 27/03/2025 14:45

Quarterofacenturyold · 27/03/2025 14:24

I think because there's a history of her cancelling on me last minute and fobbing me off, alongside an accumulated feeling of not being as important to her as she is to me, I don't want to come across as clingy.

Sometimes I get the impression she can take or leave me and isn't that fussed 😔

If you get that impression, it is probably the case. That may not be permanent, it might just be where she is at currently. But you'd be as well to focus your energy elsewhere, and if at a later date she can meet you where you are at, all well and good. But relationships tend to carry on how they start, so if she gets used to treating you casually now, that will continue.

Telling you to go out and enjoy your day is something I'd say to someone if I wanted to tell them to not prioritise me (because I'm not all into them and am thinking things through). If you were equally into each other surely she'd see that the important thing was the chance to be together and share a nice day. Unless she got the impression the beach and ice cream was something you really specifically wanted to do today?

I'm sorry, I know it hurts and it sucks. But you deserve better than to be treated so casually.

Podgeys1 · 27/03/2025 14:48

AthWat · 27/03/2025 13:36

Are you really so absolutely sure of this, just on the information you have? No room in your mind for doubt at all, to the extent you are willing to give pottentially life-changing advice to a stranger with no caveats whatsoever? Nothing anyone else said during this thread gave you any reason to perhaps put a "maybe" in there?

Show quote history

Nope!
Life changing advice?
A relationship of 6 months?
Anonymous advice she can take or leave.
Calm down with the hyperbole.🙄🤣

If the OP is sensible she will read all points of view, take a closer look at the ongoing pattern of behaviour that she sees, and protect herself accordingly.
Not ignore the patterns of poor behaviour and think that everything will be fine.

"We teach people how to treat us" and "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" are two sayings that when applied to your life, protect you from many of those whom would treat you badly on a loop.

Theoldbird · 27/03/2025 14:55

I wouldn't have bothered to respond to her whinging about her delivery not turning up! why on earth would you bother?
Send her a message saying clearly you're not very important to her if she cancels plans last minute and doesn't appreciate it is upsetting for you. So you will take some time out to reconsider the relationship