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Original poster

DP not being truthful about cash withdrawals - fearful he is gambling again

180 replies

Lilac84 · 26/03/2025 18:27

I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals. He has a history of gambling challenges, which he has worked to overcome, and is self excluded from online sites. His last bet to my knowledge was over two years ago when this came to a head.

I asked him what these withdrawals were and he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer, and having it in cash hidden away means he won’t be tempted to spend it in the meantime and will change it over when the time comes.

I wasn’t overly convinced by this, it isn’t something he has done before to my knowledge. I shouldn’t have done this, but I know where he keeps his paperwork and I looked through to find previous months’ statements earlier today. For the past 4/5 months, there are two similar withdrawals every month - for either £170 or £110, and always on similar two dates.

These are dates he works away for his job and stays overnight - so always the same weekday. The amount withdrawn exceeds a grand which is far more than he’d need for his golf trip, based on what I know he took in previous years.

I am massively worried he is gambling again, he works in a busy city centre so there will be no shortage of betting shops and the machines which can be used for roulette etc.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be welcomed, I haven’t said anything about the further statements as of yet. It was so hard to go through this before and I don’t know if I can face supporting him again, I know that sounds terrible.

OP posts:
TeenToTwenties · 26/03/2025 18:29

Suggest to him that due to his previous issues he gives you the cash to look after?

Motnight · 26/03/2025 18:30

Ask him to see the cash.

It doesn't look good, Op.

Ponoka7 · 26/03/2025 18:30

I've had friends live with gambling addicts and they've had to insist on being shown the thing the supposed money has been sent on. All have ended up having to take over the finances.

NImumconfused · 26/03/2025 18:30

If he's been stashing it somewhere in cash then he should be able to show it to you surely? And given that he already had a history of problem gambling, I would regard any blister about "why can't you just trust me" as a massive red flag.

fluffiphlox · 26/03/2025 18:31

‘Show me the money’.

Createausername1970 · 26/03/2025 18:39

As you are saying they are his bank statements, I assume this is his own account, not a joint account.

Is he paying his share of the joint bills?

I have no experience of dealing with a gambler, but I do have other family members with other addictions. My feeling is that someone with an addiction is never "cured" it's only ok as long as they have it under control, but it doesn't take much for the addictive urge to take control of them.

Me personally, I would be hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. If you don't want to go through it again, then start to work out how your life will proceed without him in it, how you will manage financially etc., and make sure you have funds put to one side.

Once I had worked this out, I would ask him again about it. I would be very upfront, why I am concerned, that the money being taken out when he is away, where is he putting it if it's cash and he is away? I would make it very clear that this was his opportunity to be honest about whether he was gambling again. If he was honest now, then we could work through it, but if he lies now, there is no coming back from the lies and if I discovered he actually was gambling again then the relationship is done.

Pamspeople · 26/03/2025 18:56

Ask him to show you the cash or where he's paid it in to another account. Given his previous gambling problem he should be willing to do this. If he can't or won't, he's either gambling again (very likely) or is paying prostitutes while he's away. Perhaps if you tell him you have to assume it's one of those he will come clean about the gambling.

Then you have some big decisions to make, OP.

LiftyLift · 26/03/2025 18:58

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…. Come on, don’t be so naive.

LividSunshine · 26/03/2025 19:36

Hi, I was married to an addict (booze, not gambling, but it's the same thing ultimately).

Your partner IS gambling again. There's no question of it.

The only question is what do YOU want to do now? You can either stick your head in the sand and hope it goes away (it won't) or you can leave him and live your life.

Sounds harsh, but this is the reality when an addict is lying to you.

I know it's so tempting to believe him. Mine used to tell me, glassy eyed and slurring, that he'd had a reaction to paracetamol and that must be what I was noticing. For a while I'd believe him because it was easier than uprooting my entire life.

Original poster
Lilac84 · 26/03/2025 19:39

Thanks all for the replies. I am going to have to confront him about it this evening. I feel like I know what has happened but I need to hear it from him directly.

I’ve been clear in the past that if this was to happen again it would be a deal breaker.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 26/03/2025 19:49

If you've been clear in the past that this was a deal breaker then I think you have every right to say 'OK, show me the money. If you aren't prepared to do that then I have to assume that you are gambling again and we are therefore done'.

He can bleat about you trusting him, etc - but he's brought the lack of trust upon himself because of his past behaviour. You can't 'trust' an addict.

If he's not been gambling and it's genuine he should not have a problem with producing the money and quietly accepting that his past actions have meant he needs to demonstrate honesty with money when challenged about missing sums.

CowTown · 26/03/2025 19:54

If I were doing a cash savings challenge, I would 100% not make those withdrawals when I was travelling for work. I would make the withdrawals near to home, so I could safely put my money in its place.

SkaneTos · 26/03/2025 20:08

OP, what a difficult situation!

You write this
"DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals."

Since he left the bank statement out on the table, where he knew that you probably would see it, could it be his way of trying to ask for help? That he want to be found out?

FatLarrysBanned · 26/03/2025 20:21

Be prepared for "I'm keeping it in the safe at work/Mike's holding onto it for me so I don't spend it"... when he can't show it to you.🐃💩

Suzuki76 · 26/03/2025 20:30

FatLarrysBanned · 26/03/2025 20:21

Be prepared for "I'm keeping it in the safe at work/Mike's holding onto it for me so I don't spend it"... when he can't show it to you.🐃💩

Yeah, in which case OP needs to follow the trail. I'd want a text from "Mike" to confirm or a photo of the cash in the safe.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/03/2025 20:33

Good luck discussing this with him OP.

Original poster
Lilac84 · 26/03/2025 20:55

He is adamant he isn’t gambling, and to be honest I believe him. What I don’t believe though is that he is saving the money. He says he is keeping it at work for future socials/weekend away so he can in no way be tempted.

He works in a corporate role in an office where he doesn’t even have a fixed desk post Covid and with hybrid working etc. It makes no sense at all.

I’ve told him when he’s in the office tomorrow I want him to get the money and bring it home as proof.

Why are the withdrawals only when he’s away?

If he isn’t gambling or saving it, what is he spent it on?

My head is absolutely spinning

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 26/03/2025 20:59

Could he be spending it on a nice surprise for you?
Do you have a birthday or an anniversary soon?

Original poster
Lilac84 · 26/03/2025 21:00

SkaneTos · 26/03/2025 20:59

Could he be spending it on a nice surprise for you?
Do you have a birthday or an anniversary soon?

Both have been and gone in the past few months - he did nothing out of the ordinary.

OP posts:
Weepixie · 26/03/2025 21:04

Op, could he be spending it on dinner with someone.

GreySkirt · 26/03/2025 21:07

Sorry to add to your woes OP but could it be prostitutes? Such a specific amount.

Whatever it’s for if he’s not being honest you’ve got to decide what you do.

ClareBlue · 26/03/2025 21:09

It's actually unlikely to be gambling if he is so disciplined about it. Pathological gamblers don't stop at one withdrawal every couple of weeks of a few hundred quid. You know that really don't you from his previous actions. When he was in active adiction could he control it to 170 pounds every two weeks or only when away from home or any pattern of control. It's more likely to be something conected to being away. Unless it coincides with a pay day and that's when he withdraws the cash, there's absolutely no reason to take it out to save when away from home.

AlertCat · 26/03/2025 21:11

Always either £170 or £110? Are those amounts that mean something? Are they round amounts in euros or dollars or something?

Tetchypants · 26/03/2025 21:11

Very suspicious he’s taking cash out every he works away. I’d be asking who, not what, he’s spending it on. And is he bollocks keeping at work, he’s lying.

Whatdafudge · 26/03/2025 21:11

Drugs?

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