DP not being truthful about cash withdrawals - fearful he is gambling again

[Lilac84]

I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals. He has a history of gambling challenges, which he has worked to overcome, and is self excluded from online sites. His last bet to my knowledge was over two years ago when this came to a head.

I asked him what these withdrawals were and he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer, and having it in cash hidden away means he won’t be tempted to spend it in the meantime and will change it over when the time comes.

I wasn’t overly convinced by this, it isn’t something he has done before to my knowledge. I shouldn’t have done this, but I know where he keeps his paperwork and I looked through to find previous months’ statements earlier today. For the past 4/5 months, there are two similar withdrawals every month - for either £170 or £110, and always on similar two dates.

These are dates he works away for his job and stays overnight - so always the same weekday. The amount withdrawn exceeds a grand which is far more than he’d need for his golf trip, based on what I know he took in previous years.

I am massively worried he is gambling again, he works in a busy city centre so there will be no shortage of betting shops and the machines which can be used for roulette etc.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be welcomed, I haven’t said anything about the further statements as of yet. It was so hard to go through this before and I don’t know if I can face supporting him again, I know that sounds terrible.

I was thinking hookers… since it’s only when working away.

Has he swapped one addiction for another?

Sorry you're dealing with this op. The dishonesty must be horrible.

A gambling addic is withdrawing cash and lying to you about why. He's said he's keeping it at work where he doesn't even have his own desk let alone a locked drawer to keep it in. He has lied at least twice to you about this, yet you trust he's not gambling, based on what?

Eta: PP saying about the disciplined amounts is that why? If he's just restarted though I'm not sure that's impossible. Either way he is lying to you about why he's withdrawing cash and what he's doing with it which says he knows you wouldn't be happy to find out what he's spending it on. It's nothing good or he wouldn't be lying.

Even if he had a permanent desk at work rather than hot desking, it'd be really unusual to keep money there. He'd need to be extremely vigilant about always locking whichever drawer etc he used.

That’s why I believe him that it’s not gambling - the amounts/frequency were all over the place before. There’s no way he could go weeks between this, and the fixed amounts don’t make sense for gambling either.

See the post I’ve just made - DH has made the point tonight, and I believe him.

There’s no way I’d be storing £1000+ in cash in an office where I had to hotdesk.

He would have to be going to the same place, having the same order to be spending such precise amounts though?

Already did after sorry, updated my post.

Cash while working away. Sorry but my immediate thoughts go to sex workers

Because if he was gambling again it's highly unlikely he could limit himself to exactly 110 pounds only when he is away from home and never gamble inbetween. And even if he was on a controlled gambling binge then why 110 or 170. Not how pathological gamblers operate what so ever. But of course there might be much more hidden, as is usual with pathological gamblers.

Is there a “massage” parlour where he’s alternating between the same two items from the menu?

That's all a bit grim tbh. Hopefully it's not this or gambling. Does he pay upfront for any routine expenses. Though there is no need to be evasive about that sort of thing.
It's hard to think of why he would not be honest about it unless it was not good.
Hoping he is secretly saving for a surprise for you. But it's a bit if a long shot.

I just can’t understand why, if he’s looking to put away some regular savings, he would only withdraw these when away - why not withdraw somewhere locally on payday.

I don’t know what’s going on..

Does her have a connection to gamblers anonymous?
I hope you're wrong, it is a debilitating disease, he would benefit hugely from a connection with recovering gambling addicts.

As multiple people have already suggested - sounds very much like sex workers.

Drugs?

Sounds to me like he’s met someone that he meets when working away and he’s withdrawing cash so that there’s no record of his transactions. Dinner, drinks etc

or he’s seeing a prostitute when he works away.

This, sorry OP.

If he's keeping it at the office (he's not), why would he withdraw the money whilst he's away? Most people don't choose to carry reasonably large sums of cash further than they need to.

Gambling again? Yes he is no matter what he says. Friends's friend with similar habit recently won several hundred quid. 'I've got to get rid of this cash before tonight or Tracey will know I've been gambling again". All straight back to the bookies.

I'm really sorry, @Lilac84 , but what's going on is he is lying to you.

Gather your thoughts and then go forward on that basis.

OP I have too much knowledge of this.

You must be aware that it’s rare to have just one addiction. I’m not going to make any assumptions. The facts are these:

• cash is being withdrawn
• you haven’t seen the cash or evidence of where deposits are being credited
• you are not ok with this

This is a reasonable request/discussion in any relationship, irrespective of history of addiction. I’m going to say it’s irrelevant if he’s a GA or not, because you shouldn’t be conditioned to not ask the questions you want and be satisfied with the response.

You know you are not satisfied with the response. Therefore he is not being transparent.

Here if you need someone.

Thanks everyone. Bracing myself now - DH asleep upstairs and I’m on the sofa wondering what on earth he has been upto for the past few months.

I’ll have to see what tomorrow brings.

Good luck 🤞. You know the drill. Hold the line very firmly of what’s acceptable and isn’t - because you deserve the best.

You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.

Just thought the same. Coke maybe?