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Original poster

DP not being truthful about cash withdrawals - fearful he is gambling again

180 replies

Lilac84 · 26/03/2025 18:27

I’m freaking out a bit at the moment. DP left his most recent bank statement on our coffee table last night and I noticed a couple of fairly large cash withdrawals. He has a history of gambling challenges, which he has worked to overcome, and is self excluded from online sites. His last bet to my knowledge was over two years ago when this came to a head.

I asked him what these withdrawals were and he said he is putting money aside for his friends’ golfing weekend abroad in the summer, and having it in cash hidden away means he won’t be tempted to spend it in the meantime and will change it over when the time comes.

I wasn’t overly convinced by this, it isn’t something he has done before to my knowledge. I shouldn’t have done this, but I know where he keeps his paperwork and I looked through to find previous months’ statements earlier today. For the past 4/5 months, there are two similar withdrawals every month - for either £170 or £110, and always on similar two dates.

These are dates he works away for his job and stays overnight - so always the same weekday. The amount withdrawn exceeds a grand which is far more than he’d need for his golf trip, based on what I know he took in previous years.

I am massively worried he is gambling again, he works in a busy city centre so there will be no shortage of betting shops and the machines which can be used for roulette etc.

Any suggestions on how to approach this would be welcomed, I haven’t said anything about the further statements as of yet. It was so hard to go through this before and I don’t know if I can face supporting him again, I know that sounds terrible.

OP posts:
LizziesTwin · 27/03/2025 18:17

I think your relationship has just ended. Taking his words at face value, you don’t need to be with a man who can’t talk to you and buys another woman’s time as he can speak to her. I hope you can sort out a split without too much cruelty on his part.

Weepixie · 27/03/2025 18:21

I suspected as much Op which is why I asked if the amounts could be going on dinner with someone.

You don’t have to put up with this betrayal and I wish you all the best going forward.

NZDreaming · 27/03/2025 18:25

@Lilac84 Im so sorry but at least you know. I hate to say it but I really doubt that he is only paying for conversation - a therapist would be cheaper. I couldn’t move past this betrayal and think this would end a relationship for me. His actions don’t scream that he wants to fix things and he has lied and betrayed you multiple times. Unfortunately this might be the end of your relationship.

CowTown · 27/03/2025 18:28

NZDreaming · 27/03/2025 18:25

@Lilac84 Im so sorry but at least you know. I hate to say it but I really doubt that he is only paying for conversation - a therapist would be cheaper. I couldn’t move past this betrayal and think this would end a relationship for me. His actions don’t scream that he wants to fix things and he has lied and betrayed you multiple times. Unfortunately this might be the end of your relationship.

Agreed. He can get a qualified therapist from Better Help for half that price. He’s such a lying sack of shit.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/03/2025 18:29

Trickle truthing.

His telling you just enough. No man is paying over £100 to talk to a women unless your talking old widowed man maybe.

His paying an escort for her services but feels it’s kinder to say for company which means he also thinks your bloody stupid because then why would attractiveness come up either.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/03/2025 18:32

Drug test him!

TheRealMrsFeltz · 27/03/2025 18:37

I’m sorry my love, there’s no way on earth he’s paying that much for a woman’s company when he’s away from home and not having sex with her. He has been paying a sex worker - his awful comments about not being attracted to you anymore would confirm that.

I’m not sure how you stay in a relationship with someone who says he’s unhappy, finds you unattractive, betrays your confidence but fails to tell you how he feels and very very likely has paid for sex with a sex worker. I’m sure his gambling and you holding him to account will have played a large part in his attitude towards you and the relationship- that’s not on you to fix.

If he doesn’t end it, you should. Don’t let him drag you down.

EmeraldDreams73 · 27/03/2025 18:37

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/03/2025 18:29

Trickle truthing.

His telling you just enough. No man is paying over £100 to talk to a women unless your talking old widowed man maybe.

His paying an escort for her services but feels it’s kinder to say for company which means he also thinks your bloody stupid because then why would attractiveness come up either.

This. I'm so sorry, OP. I don't buy for a second that he's buying "female company". Complete bullshit and spotlights the fact that he's been caught out lying in any case. Really sorry you're going through this.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 27/03/2025 19:28

I’m so sorry to see your latest development. This must be such a blow after he already betrayed your trust in regards to his gambling and you clearly stood by him. Thinking about moving forwards I’d be very wary of accepting his initial account of what he’s been up to, as it’s almost always worse and they start out lightly, testing the water before making further disclosures. I’d also urge you to consider this could be a blessing in disguise and a way to start a new life for yourself free from someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

LollyLand · 27/03/2025 20:12

I’m sorry OP.
He’s had his head turned by a sex worker. That’s all she is and when he realises he will try to run back so please get a plan of action in place.

RedToothBrush · 27/03/2025 20:14

Lilac84 · 27/03/2025 18:13

After trying to downplay it again and me threatening to walk out, he has owned up to using the money for ‘female company’. The same woman every time, and strictly no intimacy - he just finds her ‘easy to confide in’.

The main thing being that he’s unhappy in our relationship and doesn’t feel attracted to me any more.

This has completely blindsided me - he has not let on about this at all and whilst our sex life has not been brilliant, this is pretty much since the stress all his gambling issues caused and he hasn’t voiced any concerns to me.

He was so cold when he told me, no emotion at all and like he is completely detached from me. Almost like he was relieved to tell me.

I don’t know what to do, he has gone out to the gym and said he will sort his own dinner after. The thought of him speaking about us like that to a stranger is sickening.

Ask him to leave and go see his friend.

Then see a divorce lawyer quickly.

Original poster
Lilac84 · 27/03/2025 20:15

I think even if I wanted to salvage the relationship, he has mentally checked out - and probably some time ago.

He says he feels ‘mothered’, which I think is unfair, and probably goes back to me supporting him through the gambling issues.

I want him to be honest with me about whether things went further with this woman. I asked who she is and he just said he found her online.

OP posts:
UndermyShoeJoe · 27/03/2025 20:16

LollyLand · 27/03/2025 20:12

I’m sorry OP.
He’s had his head turned by a sex worker. That’s all she is and when he realises he will try to run back so please get a plan of action in place.

Yes it’s good business for her if he truly believes they have some kind of connection. A fool with his dick out and his money are easily parted.

AlertCat · 27/03/2025 20:22

You supported him through addiction and he feels “mothered”??

what an arsehole. I’m so sorry OP.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 27/03/2025 20:24

Escorting must be the worst paying gig .. just looking most of the time.
This one takes the biscuit just for a yap ..aye right matey 👺💩

RedToothBrush · 27/03/2025 20:25

Lilac84 · 27/03/2025 20:15

I think even if I wanted to salvage the relationship, he has mentally checked out - and probably some time ago.

He says he feels ‘mothered’, which I think is unfair, and probably goes back to me supporting him through the gambling issues.

I want him to be honest with me about whether things went further with this woman. I asked who she is and he just said he found her online.

He resents you for making him take responsibility for his own actions.

Pamspeople · 27/03/2025 20:34

Of course he's been paying for sex, but they all say "nothing happened" - it's just another lie I'm afraid OP. I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a cliche and liar. And of course he's trying to blame something "you've made him feel". No, he made a decision, repeatedly, to take cash from a machine to pay a woman to have sex with him.

Get your sexual health checked and make your plans to separate. So sorry OP.

DorothyStorm · 27/03/2025 20:34

Lilac84 · 27/03/2025 20:15

I think even if I wanted to salvage the relationship, he has mentally checked out - and probably some time ago.

He says he feels ‘mothered’, which I think is unfair, and probably goes back to me supporting him through the gambling issues.

I want him to be honest with me about whether things went further with this woman. I asked who she is and he just said he found her online.

He is a gambling addict who is paying a my least one woman for sex. He isnt interested in staying married. He isnt a prize.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 27/03/2025 20:38

He likely resents you because he can’t control the narrative about who and what he is with you, whereas he can when he pays for that privilege. You hold a mirror up to who he really is, and it ain’t pretty.

Fuzziduck · 27/03/2025 20:50

Ah, I was waiting on this being your fault.
it isn’t, and he isn’t just talking to her. Sorry op.

Tricho · 27/03/2025 20:52

Child of a gambling addict here.

I'm so sorry but this is 100% a relapse.

Addicts are amazing liars.

Hazel665 · 27/03/2025 21:00

He has been paying for sex. Poor little him, mothered by you because of his gambling, which has made him turn to prostitutes. Oh poor him.

OP, get rid of him and take yourself off for a check up at a sexual health clinic.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 27/03/2025 21:03

He needs that dopamine hit that gambling gave him and it seems as though he's found it in other women.

That would be it for me, OP. Actually, the gambling would have been it for me, but for him to treat you like this afterwards is really bad.

Riaanna · 27/03/2025 21:06

You’re better than that.

Sassybooklover · 27/03/2025 21:07

I'm sorry to read your updates OP. I don't think you have a relationship to salvage, and like you say he's mentally checked out of the marriage. I doubt very much he's paying an escort to sit and chat with him (it's possible, but highly unlikely). As for enjoying her company, I'm sure she is attentive, after all he's paying her. She wouldn't be there with him, if he wasn't paying, let's be honest. As sad as it is, I think you need to gather as much financial information as possible as see a solicitor and file for divorce. You have a husband who you've helped through a gambling addiction and now he's cheating with an escort. It's time to look after yourself, and that means thinking of your long-term future happiness.